Wow! I've been detaching for a couple of months now and have not discussed our R in 3 months. This weekend W and I had an arguement and then she started in all the stresses she's been having: work has been difficult, problems with plumbing at her new place, difficulties with the Thanksgiving dinner she's planning.... and then, (this took me by surprise), she blurted out that "I'm almost 40 and now I have to look for a new husband".
Then she angrily accused me of the few things that made her leave me, like not paying attention to her, not wanting her sexually, taking her for granted. She had bottled up all her anger and I realize that she's still very angry. She started crying loudly as she continued her accusations.
I acknowledged her feelings and even went so far as to say that I wish I had known what I know now--that I did take her for granted. Then I started to compliment her regarding what a wonderful wife and mother she was and how she made our house a home. I continued that I wanted her to be happy and pray for her well-being.
With my reply, was I pursuing?
By definition, it's not really "pursuing" when you didn't initiate the conversation -- you were only replying to her. But I do think you went a little too far. The trick is to VALIDATE her feelings, without AGREEING with them. One of my favorites is, "I agree; this has been very hard on ALL of us." or "This is a very difficult time, I know."
Compliments on being a "good wife and mother" right now, at a time when she is NOT being either, in my opinion (does a "good wife" leave her husband, without trying MCing and other ways to save the marriage? Does a "good mother" rip apart the family, and cut and run? Or does she stay for a period of time and try to give it everything she has to try to work it out?)
Or, you could always use what my S16 does: "Sucks to be you," LOL.
PuppyDog, Serenity, Trent, Norm914, anybody? Just wanted your opinion on my two immediate previous posts. Thank you for any feedback, I'd sure appreciate it.
During her sobbering tirade, she tried to state some 'advantages' of our separation like she's lost 5 lbs and is free to go out and do things without having to answer to anyone.
I would have landed a truth dart: "I'm so happy this is working out so well for you. I'm sure (S5) will be happy to know his mother lost 5 lbs., now that his family is being torn apart. . . . (shake head, looking at her) . . . "Unbelievable."
or, just stare at her, shaking your head after she said all that, and say "Unbelievable," and then walk away.
She's a MOTHER, for goshsakes, and a WIFE. YES, she has to "answer" to people in her life, at least if she wants to be a responsible grown-up!!
Thanks for your sound advise, Puppy. You've been really there for me. I had a feeling I went a little too far in my compliments.
Since we're separated, I can only say her mood is up and down whenever we see each other--usually when we hand-off our s5. She is generally a moody person. It was difficult to make her happy because she can't be happy on her own, so she needs others to make her happy, and of course that's where I fell short.
I don't think she's happy. I believe that her work is taking her mind off the situation and this carries her through the day. She does love her job.
Hey Puppy, early in my post you and a few others warned me about the possibility of W having an EA or PA. At this point, I almost wish she has one. Because, that would really end it for me! She's been telling friends and family that it was a mutual breakup so that she would look good. Of course I've told her friends that's not the case. If she is seeing an OM, she would really look bad. She cares so much about how she is perceived.
I really don't know if I can forgive her if she did have a PA.
Hey Puppy, early in my post you and a few others warned me about the possibility of W having an EA or PA. At this point, I almost wish she has one. Because, that would really end it for me! She's been telling friends and family that it was a mutual breakup so that she would look good. Of course I've told her friends that's not the case. If she is seeing an OM, she would really look bad. She cares so much about how she is perceived.
I really don't know if I can forgive her if she did have a PA.
Sam,
To be honest, that's why I asked about "her mood" above. I've always felt there was, in your sitch, and I'm thinking maybe he dumped her recently.
PuppyDog, Serenity, Trent, Norm914, anybody? Just wanted your opinion on my two immediate previous posts. Thank you for any feedback, I'd sure appreciate it.
Are you invited to her thanksgiving dinner?
Originally Posted By: sam_oc
No, I'm not invited. It's for her and her immediate family only.
Then I would say you got yourself involved in a conversation you really should not be having. You have to learn the phrase, "I gotta run. I'm late" or more importantly, "I really don't want to talk about this right now." Whatever demeanor you are projecting or oscar winning performance you are acting out, it appears you are judging its success by her response. However, in reality, you dont know all the facts. You never do. As Puppy suggested her puzzled appearance may be due to the fact she just got dumped and is she is merely confused over why you are not fawning over her and begging to massage her feet. Or she may just have gas and looking at you like, "you really got to leave I need to fart." Or she is probably just thinking, "Oh gawd, not another desperate scheme."
How do you judge success in these situations? I personally see success as turning the tables on the walk away mode. Pattern usually goes: marriages $ucks, man doesnt realize, woman gets fed up and withdraws, woman finds another guy, man realizes and tries to get woman back. Sometimes the woman is only using the other guy as a jealousy tool to wake husband up (we have had a couple examples of that recently) and is open to reconcillation quickly. Often times, however, woman realizes, new guy infatuation is addicting, new guy sex is good, and new guy is doing everything right and more importanly different. Husband hasnt changed, will never change. His 180 was from going from annoying, uninteresting, uncaring jerk to annoying, uninteresting, over pursuing, pleading, and pressuring jerk. What is she thinking? "I dont need this $hit no more. It will only go back to the same ol' $hit. Always has been. Always will be."
As I said, I personally see success as turning the tables on the walk away mode. By taking the situation at hand, which seems desperate in your eyes, and make it desperate in theirs. Walk away yourself. Your marriage rots, you dont live to together, arent spending the holidays together, and the conversations between you are degrading. In your example, particularly,
Quote:
she blurted out that "I'm almost 40 and now I have to look for a new husband".
now anybody reading this can fill in their own particualr statement. It is all the same. "I'm done. But you are still hanging on. What can I say to get rid of you." Best, most effective response? "good bye! take care!" Treat the situation as, I'd like to talk but I'm in a hurry, take a couple months to stop talking to them all together (i.e. dont initiate any conversations). I am not in love with you (low blow but highly effective) in fact find someone else (noone not even the dumper likes to get dumped). Stop projecting, stop disagreeing about the relationship, just go out an have the time of your life (because if whether you reconcile or find someone new, you will probably not get this chance again). Isn't that exactly what they are doing to do you? And look at your response.
