Wow! I've been detaching for a couple of months now and have not discussed our R in 3 months. This weekend W and I had an arguement and then she started in all the stresses she's been having: work has been difficult, problems with plumbing at her new place, difficulties with the Thanksgiving dinner she's planning.... and then, (this took me by surprise), she blurted out that "I'm almost 40 and now I have to look for a new husband".
Then she angrily accused me of the few things that made her leave me, like not paying attention to her, not wanting her sexually, taking her for granted. She had bottled up all her anger and I realize that she's still very angry. She started crying loudly as she continued her accusations.
I acknowledged her feelings and even went so far as to say that I wish I had known what I know now--that I did take her for granted. Then I started to compliment her regarding what a wonderful wife and mother she was and how she made our house a home. I continued that I wanted her to be happy and pray for her well-being.
With my reply, was I pursuing?
By definition, it's not really "pursuing" when you didn't initiate the conversation -- you were only replying to her. But I do think you went a little too far. The trick is to VALIDATE her feelings, without AGREEING with them. One of my favorites is, "I agree; this has been very hard on ALL of us." or "This is a very difficult time, I know."
Compliments on being a "good wife and mother" right now, at a time when she is NOT being either, in my opinion (does a "good wife" leave her husband, without trying MCing and other ways to save the marriage? Does a "good mother" rip apart the family, and cut and run? Or does she stay for a period of time and try to give it everything she has to try to work it out?)
Or, you could always use what my S16 does: "Sucks to be you," LOL.
