I know. It is amazing when we all first come here we feel like this person is controlling our every emotion. And what we don't realize is that we actually have all the control we want.
I have learned to shut the ringer off on my phone. I have learned that if I don't want to talk to someone, I don't have to. Likewise, I have learned that if I want to talk to someone, I can. No one controls my life except for me, and I don't control anyone else's.
In the long run, I have to look at myself in the mirror and live with any choice I have made. Have I done all this perfectly? HELL NO...but I know that whatever decisions I make from hereon will affect my respect for self. I have worked too hard to lose that now.
I am rambling...I think it is because D23 read me the riot act last night. She was furious that I was even speaking to stbx, and I am thinking what if? I mean, in theory, what if we did try again?
And then I realized that I won't know the answer to that. I will only know if it were to happen. And it hasn't so what is the point of dwelling on it?
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
That's great Lola! I like your thoughts on control. Great stuff.
It does seem like turnarounds happen when the WAS doesn't feel pressured any more.
Maybe leave a door open for him, if just a friendship? His life events seem to have changed his perspective quite a bit. It doesn't seem to be affecting your PMA, which is good.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Love the post about control. Kind of like Wizard of Oz, we had the power all along and just didn't know it! Feels good to remember you have choices, doesn't it???
So as long as you want to talk to him, talk! If the time comes that you don't, don't.
I was talking to my father over the weekend about this situation. When asked how stbx was, I explained like this:
Right now, stbx's life is basically falling apart. The house is practically in foreclosure, his vehicle is looking at repossession. I can't save him, because this is not my lesson to learn. I have had several people suggest I turn him over to INS for fraud, or do something to exact revenge. But that is not my job. I have a strong faith, and I believe God teaches us lessons through every aspect of our lives. Mine may have already been learned, but his may not yet. I think he still has a way to go. My greatest gift to stbx is to back off and let him learn that lesson.
Will we end up being able to work through this? I don't know. It's not because I don't want to, it's because I don't know what the future brings. If it is meant to be, it will happen the way it is meant to, and no amount of trying to force the situation is going to make the outcome any different.
I am good right now. I am enjoying the relocation, my job, my life. I have decided to put dating on hold, not because of stbx, but because I realized I don't need to be with someone to be someone. I am enjoying my time alone. For the first time in my life, I am not afraid to be alone, but...I am also not really so lonely anymore. That does make a difference.
As far as leaving the door opened, I don't think it was ever really closed. Not yet anyway. I don't know that I want to be married to him anymore, I think because over all I realize that just because someone is married does not make them committed (unless it is to an insane asylum...hahahaha). Commitment comes from within. Honestly, I just want to be me, not necessarily someone's wife. I have some time to think about that since I cannot finalize the D until March. I am thinking, though, that I probably will finalize it, so that I can take back me again.
I don't know. Maybe it is because I have finally gotten my "sea legs..." I feel like I am on stable ground. The stigma of marriage is not such a big deal anymore. I do love stbx, always will. But I don't need to be married to him to know in my heart that I love him and always will. So the only thing for me to do now is carry on, move forward, and let him go for now. If he comes back, we will see where I am at
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I think I am, actually. I still have my moments, but honestly, I feel pretty damned good. I think the only thing that bothers me now is, after all this time, why all of a sudden stbx is on my mind so much. I suppose this is normal, but I really don't like it. I suppose that this will subside once the divorce is final, and we really have no reason to speak anymore. But at the same time, I notice that there always seems to be a reason for us to talk. I think at some point I am going to have to put a stop to that. But right now I don't want to. Of course, I also know how not to answer the phone all the time, and to be unavailable. At the same time, I am really not looking to try to lure him back. I have done that in the past, and frankly the dramatics are a little too exhausting. I don't mind talking to him, but I think I am at the point where if it happens it does, and if it doesn't...eh.
I suppose I will always love him. Part of me still thinks that he is the only man I will ever want to spend my life with. But at the same time, my life isn't dependent on it either.
Somehow, though, I feel a little silly for even entertaining the thought after all this time. I mean, we have actually been separated longer than we were married and living together. There has to be something said for that.
In the meantime, I am just going with the flow. I like it that way, really not trying to read the future, but just living and taking each day as it comes. I am at peace. It is strange, but I am.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Yeah I guess you are right. Even though it has been two years since we have even spent a holiday together, that makes sense. Thankfully I never met his family (they are all in Germany) so I didn't get attached to them. I almost wish the divorce was actually finished so that I could get on with my life already. Of course, I am not so sure I will 100% able to do that...I am not sure that just having that piece of paper is going to be the end all be all either.
Errrrrgggggg what is wrong with me?
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Just remember you get to choose how much you hear from him. And you can change that boundary in a week or two or a year or two.