Question

[awest1217]

I still really feel done. I don't know and can't explain the feeling. IT might be my subconscience trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. I am really enjoying spending time with H and he keeps doing more and more. The Christmas lights don't work so he said he would buy new ones. We had to take S to the doctor and he went with us and then took us out to eat. We are really have fun together, getting along, etc, but I am having horrible days and just don't feel like getting hurt again. H is still with OW and I know he will never give that up. He hasn't for 9 years and honestly even if he says he is going to, I know it will just be lying. So I either keep up this getting closer and closer and get hurt, give him an ultimatum and set everything back, or just deal with the fact that I will never have the full love of my husband. Tough decision. He is being wonderful and even left me another "I'm thinking about you" note again yesterday, but I don't know if it is real or not. He wants to help decorate for Christmas and spend the night this week, but for what...so he can feel better. I guess each time he leaves I have a harder and harder time forgiving him and get more and more mad at OW.

On top of everything here is other stuff going wrong right now...
BUSY BUSY at work
phone line didn't work from Saturday to Sunday so I had to call the phone company
S colored all over the front door, refrigerator, and piano
S put 1/2 a box of Puffs down the toilet
S said "I want my daddy" when he got in trouble
I called H and let S tell him that he wanted daddy and H did nothing, which is why I started to break down
S isn't sleeping well due to being extremely stuffed up so not sleeping well Sunday to Monday was up from 2am until 4 am.
Today 2 hour delay which was great, but H's school calls me so I have to call him to tell him
S peed all over my queen comforter while I was changing his diaper so I had to wash the comforter
The washer overflowed because the comforter was too big
S still does not feel great and can't have tubes put in if still coughing
H wants to continue to help, but I am starting to back off more and more because I don't want to get hurt again

I just don't know what to do...I am at a point where I don't even know if I love H or just want the M to stay together for S. H talked about getting me a christmas present, but what about our anniversary?!?!? I am not mentioning it, but... Then last night he says something about his parents wanting us to stop by thanksgiving and he says he will just go by himself. Why? If he wants to be with me, then why not do it as a family? I just don't get it. I don't want to get hurt again, and putting up my defenses is what will help me, but at the same time I know that is going to drive H away again...I AM SO CONFUSED!