Question from a nervous newbie--if you had no contact for 3 months, what was the "doing all you could do" to save the M? I know, working on yourself, GAL, etc...but what I am struggling with is having no contact with my WABF, and wondering how my miraculous personality changes are going to reverberate through the universe and into his heart/head somehow.
What did you do during the 7 months and the 3 months of silence that made changes in the R?
Thanks-
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
I must say, after 3 weeks of detatching, my W seems puzzled at my demeanor. I'm really giving an Oscar-winning performance trying to be stoic/indifferent, while inside I am just a whirlwind of emotions. Wonder if what Norm14 did by really going dark works? In my case, I can't because of our s5.
When the WAS walks out, he/she is like an old stream locomotive. There’s big, hot fire in the firebox and a big head of steam. And off they go. They’re shoveling coal on the fire fast and furious.
But as time passes, they start to weary of shoveling coal on the fire. They lose momentum, the train slows down, and they start thinking about why they were shoveling coal in the first place. It’s not so glamorous anymore. Life without you isn’t what they thought it would be.
I think that’s what happened. When I let her go, when I stopped pursuing, and enough time passed, she started to soften.
Last edited by Norm914; 11/17/0906:44 PM.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
I must say, after 3 weeks of detatching, my W seems puzzled at my demeanor. I'm really giving an Oscar-winning performance trying to be stoic/indifferent, while inside I am just a whirlwind of emotions. Wonder if what Norm14 did by really going dark works? In my case, I can't because of our s5.
Same here. This time around we own a business together so contact in unavoidable. Last time I didn't anything about DBing. I employed the right stategy by pure accident. Just got lucky I guess.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
In my situation, we have to deal with our s5, but I've learned to just talk about our concerns for our s5, and then quickly end the contact, either by phone or in person. I'm always lining up something to do, or places to be whenever I know I'm going to have contact with her. But, I'm cordial and respectful of her always. She senses the urgency on my part to get going...
When the WAS walks out, he/she is like an old stream locomotive. There’s big, hot fire in the firebox and a big head of steam. And off they go. They’re shoveling coal on the fire fast and furious.
But as time passes, they start to weary of shoveling coal on the fire. They lose momentum, the train slows down, and they start thinking about why they were shoveling coal in the first place. It’s not so glamorous anymore. Life without you isn’t what they thought it would be.
I think that’s what happened. When I let her go, when I stopped pursuing, and enough time passed, she started to soften.
Norm, that's as good a description as any I have ever read!
Wow! I've been detaching for a couple of months now and have not discussed our R in 3 months. This weekend W and I had an arguement and then she started in all the stresses she's been having: work has been difficult, problems with plumbing at her new place, difficulties with the Thanksgiving dinner she's planning.... and then, (this took me by surprise), she blurted out that "I'm almost 40 and now I have to look for a new husband".
Then she angrily accused me of the few things that made her leave me, like not paying attention to her, not wanting her sexually, taking her for granted. She had bottled up all her anger and I realize that she's still very angry. She started crying loudly as she continued her accusations.
I acknowledged her feelings and even went so far as to say that I wish I had known what I know now--that I did take her for granted. Then I started to compliment her regarding what a wonderful wife and mother she was and how she made our house a home. I continued that I wanted her to be happy and pray for her well-being.
With my reply, was I pursuing? Did I handle this correctly? I am so confused with what's going on in her mind and where this is all leading to. The fact that she hasn't filed for D after 4 months and that she still has deep resentment has made me realize that, it seems, this will take a long time to play out. The advice here is so true: patience, don't believe anything she says and half of what she does.
Just when I was started to think a little more clearly, her confusion has brought back my confusion.
During her sobbering tirade, she tried to state some 'advantages' of our separation like she's lost 5 lbs and is free to go out and do things without having to answer to anyone. I actually laughed to myself about the 5 lbs because after all the exercises and dieting she's been doing, she's only lost that much. It seems desperate on her part trying to convince me, as well as herself, that this separation is a good thing. My poker face tells her I'm doing great, too. But, it's been hell.
I am just hoping that through my actions that she's seen some positive changes that I'm trying to make.
PuppyDog, Serenity, Trent, Norm914, anybody? Just wanted your opinion on my two immediate previous posts. Thank you for any feedback, I'd sure appreciate it.
