I took my ring off many months after bomb again I was hoping to create movement in my xh I was not going to date..I knew that but my xh didnt care..as he never seemed to move with anything I tried after almost 3 years in this ,he still only seems to move further away, peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Yes - I know that taking my ring off can't be done in an effort to get his attention. I tried that. Everything I have done-----things that I think could have reached him before (when he was sane) have not worked. I may finally be getting it. He is done. There's nothing I can do to change that.
I am trying to live as if he's not coming back to me----because even though in my gut I know this is all wrong-----and I still hope-----I believe that it is true, he's not coming back. I am thankful that he remains devoted to the kids---at least in his own way, but I will admit I am jealous. I hear him tell them he loves them. I know he contacts them often via text and tells them he loves them-----and it makes me jealous. I am jealous of the time he spends with them----not just because I'm alone (without my kids), but because we are not together. I guess I'm beginning to feel like a basket case again.....maybe time to go back on AD's.........
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I sent H an e-mail Tuesday---just to let him know our schedule for Thanksgiving and day after. Told him he was welcome to come over for turkey. Then told him the kids wanted to go pick out a tree on Friday. I didn't expect him to come to either. Was not surprised that he did not respond-----until he responded late Wednesday. Said he was going to be volunteering Thursday---to deliver meals for leukemia society. I would like to think that is what he did, but my trust is gone. The old H would have done something like that, maybe, but I just don't know. The fact that I doubt him is probably a true sign that I can't trust him----or maybe that I'm just a bad person. Anyway, he asked what time we would be going to look at trees-----which shocked me. He said late afternoon would be good for him. I responded any time was fine....but of course in my mind am thinking late afternoon is best because he probably went to OW place Thursday and didn't expect to come back until near time to get kids.......BUT, D16 heard from her BF that the tree farm was BUSY, so she insisted that we go before noon. S10 called H and told him that's what we were doing. He didn't suggest that he meet us there. It was fine. We found a great tree. Didn't need H. I am still totally shocked that he suggested that he come with us. I don't expect to spend the holday together as a family. Really expected that they would get a tree for his house.
It really sucks to now be sitting here without kids on holdiay weekend. He will have them until Sunday evening............I HATE this, and don't know that I will EVER get used to it. These days I don't miss him. I don't miss us----because I don't know who he is anymore. I miss my kids when they are with him.
I read somewhere that you shouldn't live in the past----which is what I've tried to do for so long----living and reliving my memories trying to make sense of it all. Anyway...."if you live in the past you don't live in the present".....which is true.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Last Wednesday I got a call from the school nurse (since I work at supt. office now, it's a direct line). She said D16 was having stomach pain and she was worried about appendix. I called clinic and couldn't get her in. Nurse said --- she's getting worse you need to take her to E.R. I went and got her and headed to E.R. I called H and told him what was up. He asked what he should do----I said it was up to him. He asked should he pick up D12 and S10----I said they could ride the bus. He couldn't decide what to do, so I told him I would just call the school and send them home on the bus.
Got to E.R.around 10:30. They did blood and urine tests and then said it could be ovarian cyst or appendix, needed CT. I kept H (and everyone else) posted via text every step of the way. They did CT and came in to say that right ovary was 2X normal size and they thought falopian tube was twisted----needed sonogram to be sure. Told me that if it was twisted, she would need surgery. I called H----told him, he said he had decided to go to OUR home and stay with D12 and S10---who went home on bus. THis after he sent me text asking if he should pick them up from school----after they already had gone home on bus. Said he would head to hospital if she was going to have surgery. After sonogram, report was that surgery was needed STAT----within 30 minutes to save her ovary. The ovary had twisted around her tube 3 times. I sent text that surgery would be in 30 minutes----no time to call (because things were happening really fast). He was pissed----thought if there was going to be surgery, he would get to see her first. I called him and let him talk to her for a minute.
They took us to surgery and I signed all the forms and hugged and kissed her and watched her go in---all by myself. It was now 5:30. I had been there 7 hours, no break. NO help. Nothing to eat all day. I didn't have a choice. Didn't even think about it. I knew it was wrong that H didn't come to hospital sooner. I have no idea why he thought he would have time to get here if the answer was surgery (hospital is 45 mintues away from home). It was his choice to wait----I'm sure to avoid emotional time with me. BUT, I handled it all without too much emotion. I was calm the whole time----these days anytime anything happens that would have normally been stressful, I handle it fine. Nothing ever seems as bad as what I've been through over the past 2 years. I was scared and nervous---my baby was having emergency surgery and I was alone withough support. H showed up during the surgery with D12. I almost broke down, but didn't. It was sad really. Going through this huge thing with OUR daughter and being so separate.
Surgeon came out and said all was well. After they untwisted tube ovary looked normal----she got to keep all of her parts! They did surgery laparoscopically---so just an incision in her belly button and another near pubic bone. They discharged her almost immediately----which was more scary than anything else. They put her in wheelchair within an hour of surgery and pointed us to the elevator. H offered to get her meds while I took her home. I accepted. He brought them out and stood there. Then he sat on floor next to her----his first time to "sit" in our home in forever. It was forced. It was awkward, but he was there briefly----and then it was all on me. I woke her every 3 hours during the night for pain meds for 3 days. He stayed with her during the day on post-op day 2 (at our home) so I could work. He almost acted normal when I came home.
She seems to be almost fully recovered (incisions still healing). I'm so thankful I took her to E.R.----I had no idea. AND they have no idea why it twisted.
When I think about how awful it all was and how awful it was that we weren't all together and coping with this together, it gets me down-----but then I know I handled it ok on my own---and I know I can handle anything from now on----it just SUCKS!
We had 4 inches of snow Monday night----snowday at school. H texted me yesterday and offered to come take me to work (I HATE to drive in snow---and he knows it). First time he's offered to do ANYTHING for me in I don't know how long. I accepted. He came out with S10 and swept off porch and shoveled paths to cars. It almost seemed normal. He almost seemed normal. I was gracious and thanked him. Fixed him coffee. We had another 3 inches last night---another snowday. He offered to come get me again, but so far I'm sitting at home. I don't want to read anything in to his offer----and hate to accept his help, but part of me wonders if it's a good thing to let him do this----since he's offered. I wonder "could he be peeking," but then immediately don't want my mind to go there.....................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Jeff -- Yes, I did it. It now feels like a dream---like it didn't really happen, maybe because I didn't let myself get upset or emotional---but truly, I was worried, but confident that I was in the right place for what was going on with her and felt like they knew what they were doing. With that said, I have noticed that things don't bother me like they used to. It's hard to get upset and scream about the big ink stain on the leather sofa (thanks to S10)---when in the grand scheme of things it is nothing compared to what I've been living through.
I kind of dropped off of here for some time, and guess I missed your appendix story. I'll have to do some reading............I did read enough to know you are doing well and recently made everything official. This time of year is TOUGH!!!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Sorry to hear about your daughter. Really glad she's ok.
As far as your accepting his kindess for the ride, that's really up to you. Just remember to keep the expectations way down. If you'd rather take on snow driving, it's ok to do that too.
I think your right that all of this tends to put a new spin on what's a little thing and what isn't. I let a whole lot more go these days.
The holidays are a matter of perspective too. It's hard for the kids, but you have the choice to lighten their load by your attitude. My D's and I do things now that we didn't before and it's all in the vein of new traditions.
Nice job handling all the things life has thrown at you in the last week.
I hope your D16 isn't in for a future full of menstrual trouble. I remember being in terrible pain during one of my first periods and my mom took me to the hospital, thinking it might be appendicitis. I felt so silly when it turned out to be 'just menstrual pains'. After that I cowgirled up and suffered thru the pain each month until it started putting me on my knees or making me nacious or I would black out from the intensity. Finally went back to the doctor 25+years later, lots of internal trouble, 2 surgeries later..... Things are different now, people talk about those ghastly things! I know you're a great mom and you'll be able to support your D16, it really can affect her mental health too.
About your H, expect nothing. Keep your house a home, but do it for you and the kids and let him watch thru the door that is slightly ajar. Keep moving forward....
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I am so glad your daughter is okay...i'm sure it was very scary for her.... I am like you learning to do ALOT on my own...and I'm quite proud of myself..
I do still break down from time to time...but I'm doing it..
H is still playing in his greener grass but I'll be okay...this is a tough time of year but it will be gone before you know it..
Take care...T
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
