What helped me find inner happiness? Well, I had four days away from H. About half way through, my panic attacks stopped, I began to just be able to focus on my life wihtout him in the picture. This is not usually the case becasue of the child custody thing - we're always in each other's lives because we have a little boy. I could see how much happier I was just being away from him to focus on me for a while - I guess I need to find a way to focus on me even iwth him around so much.
...sounds like you are on the right track. It's great that you could find happiness when H is not around. But, as you realize, the hard part is being that happy when he is around. Keep working on that.
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What am I afraid of? Well immediately, anyone who follows my sitch knows I am afraid of H's anger and emotional abuse. That is foremost something I spend way to much time shivering in my boots over and trying to avoid by "being good enough" and yes, I know this is unhealthy.
Yep, you're right. It isn't healthy. And, I hope you realize this is something you are letting yourself experience. Don't give H that power over you. If he yells or is disrespectful, calmly remove yourself from the "conversation" and room where he is. Tell him you will happily have an adult conversation with him, and by "adult," you mean civil, like two human beings treating each other equally. And until he is capable of having a civil discussion, you will not participate. This is a boundary Hope.
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Secondly, I'm afraid of not being able to support myself with a little one (I've always been an at home mom) and losing my house.
So, what information do you need to gather and examine to set your mind at ease? What are some available jobs in your area. Make a plan. It may not be easy, but it's not impossible to make it. Remove the fear of the unknown by arming yourself with information.
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Thirdly, I'm afraid of the damage growing up in two homes will do my son.
Understandable. I have that same fear. Anyone with a child and an ounce of compassion/conscience has that same fear. But, like the other posters, I agree that if your S is in an abusive environment, that is doing more harm to him than would a D. I'm not saying S doesn't need both parents, but that he needs BOTH parents. So, if he's really only getting one "parent" right now based on H's behavior, maybe D is not worse for him. Only you can answer that question.
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Do I fear being lonely forever? Sure. Not because I wont meet anyone, but becaUse I have a long history of meeting these angry cold abusive guys. Almost exclusively. I not only fear dying alone, I fear spending my remaining days with more of an abuisve [censored]!
So, you are afraid of what YOU may allow to happen to YOU? I know what you are saying. When that time comes, re-assess what is truly important to you in a R. Identify the qualities and character traits you want.
As for the fear of being lonely, I had that same fear. That was the bedrock fear motivating most (all?) of my negative feelings. Then I read some information about cognitive dissonance and cognitive distortion and learned what Coach meant when he said "Change your thought, change your emotions."
"Cognitive dissonance" is basically the conflict a WAS experiences. "Cognitive distortion" is the next step a person takes to rationalize a bad decision into an acceptable one. But these two concepts will allow you to see how YOU are allowing pessimistic thinking to create a lot of negative emotions.
The exercise goes something like this. I have a fear - being D'd. Identify the base/core of that fear - I fear ALWAYS being lonely after D. Is that a rational, logical, probable belief? No, it isn't. So, change your thought to a reasonable, probable one - I will NOT be lonely after a D. Then, watch what happens with your emotions.
If you are a reader (I am), pick up a copy of "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. It has literally changed the way I look at my life, all for the better.
Hope, I suspect that your self-estemm has taken a battering (something we can all say here). I think if you can work on your sefl esteem, a lot of your issues will either be gone or you will be able to manage them.
