Saw H yesterday and cried all my mascara off on the way back to work. Lots of regret. Lots of love still there for him. But the reality is he's in a fog, living with OW and hasn't shown any sign of regret, second thoughts, etc. so my life goes on without him. I took some mail & a cd of photos (he'd ask for his ski pix and I added trips, etc.). I told him there were some of the kids but none of me. He kinda smiled back, or had a compassionate look on his face. Hard to describe. I think we're getting through this with some degree of friendship and that's good. My desire is we could build on the friendship and if/when the A ends, we might see what we could rebuild. But I will stay focused on my current reality, taking care of my children and focusing on being the best me I can be. If my future looks different, and more like my desires, then I can deal with that, then.
The D hasn't been filed yet. I've gone back to feeling like I don't need to push it. When he wants to file I'd told him I'd split the filing fee, but I don't need to file first. Maybe he isn't sure or maybe he is, but I will sit back and wait.
