Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

Spoke to W's other friend last night. As I said I wanted to get both of these out of the way on the same day so there is no dragging it out. The only other thing I will likely be doing (haven't decided yet) is letters to her work and her union about the A. That is all I have in mind now. If I do that I want to do it this week so everything is not being dragged out.

Spoke to friend for 3 hours at her home than about an hour by phone when I got home. Mostly about relationships and trivial stuff. Not so much W.

She said she didn't know much at all about what was happening. W has kept it all pretty quiet by the sounds of things.

She wasn't aware A was going on for some time. She doesn't think W is drinking. She doesn't know much about OM, although he has his own bedroom (I think for benefit / financial reasons they are claiming he is a lodger).

She understood why I did what I did and stopped all contact (she has a son who is 6). She thinks W has not had time to grieve for the R.

Finally, she also said that maybe this time apart would remind of us of what we have lost. I know she knows more than she said but she was pretty honest and straight with me. She is a nice girl. Unfortunately, W won't be reminded of anything while she is having an A.

The distinct impression though is that the M is over in W's eyes. I know we've all heard this a thousand times but I am trying to take that on board and run with it to allow me to detach. I won't give up hope until one of two things happen - W get's pregnant (I know she wants kids and it really wouldn't surprise me if she is trying with him now) or the D happens (which will be 2 years).

In the meantime I am going to do the best I can to detach. I will no doubt be back here telling you all how difficult it is and looking for advice but NC will at least allow me to try.

The one thing that is still niggling at the back of my head is this. When I spoke to W yesterday and told her what I am doing, she said 'see you later' when she left. I know I've been through a thousand times not analysing what she says, but this was just a very strange thing to say. I walked away from her without saying goodbye and without even looking around at her as she drove off. That was a natural reaction I think after telling somebody you won't see them again. Saying 'see you later' isn't. I don't know, it was just strange. It probably means nothing but it the tone that went with it just confuses me.

Finally I am now absolutely positive that W was testing me yesterday to see if I would buckle when she came around. I have buckled every other time. The letter was clear and there was no ambiguity. I'm proud of myself for standing up and repeating the letter in a calm, clear and non-judgemental tone under difficult circumstances but I am convinced she was testing me.

Still sad that I don't believe I will see or hear from W again. But I need to move on.