Thanks, all, especially GIMA. I haven't been responding b/c I'm letting these fabulous posts sink in. Really working on the making myself happy thing. And the 'I can only control what I do/think/feel - not what H does' thing. It's so proufound and permeates so many aspects of life, I'm just integrating it daily = will get an update to you all soon.
What helped me find inner happiness? Well, I had four days away from H. About half way through, my panic attacks stopped, I began to just be able to focus on my life wihtout him in the picture. This is not usually the case becasue of the child custody thing - we're always in each other's lives because we have a little boy. I could see how much happier I was just being away from him to focus on me for a while - I guess I need to find a way to focus on me even iwth him around so much.
Also, I spent Saturday gardening with a dear female friend and my son. The combination of fresh air, nature, a good friend, being productive, making my house beautiful - all combined to a peaceful feeling. I awoke totally depressed and panicked, I ended the day feeling strong, happy, and at peace.
What am I afraid of? Well immediately, anyone who follows my sitch knows I am afraid of H's anger and emotional abuse. That is foremost something I spend way to much time shivering in my boots over and trying to avoid by "being good enough" and yes, I know this is unhealthy. Secondly, I'm afraid of not being able to support myself with a little one (I've always been an at home mom) and losing my house. Thirdly, I'm afraid of the damage growing up in two homes will do my son.
Do I fear being lonely forever? Sure. Not because I wont meet anyone, but becaUse I have a long history of meeting these angry cold abusive guys. Almost exclusively. I not only fear dying alone, I fear spending my remaining days with more of an abuisve [censored]!
