New, my story

[Inaspin]

Journaling

had a Pretty bad weekend, backslid on Sunday. I bought a Christmas tree and S was so exited to help me put it up. W was her grumpy self and did not want anything to do with it.

She did go and get a camera and take some pics of S with the decorations.

Sunday was a tough day. W was very distant and cold. We went to church and she took S outside because he became restless. In the afternoon we took S to the park and she sparked me with a comment and I said the usual thing about not doing this to S as it was really going to hurt him, we have not given it our best shot etc.

I feel so motivated to not react, I talk to myself, bite my tongue and then she does something that pushes my button and wam, It all comes out. I really need to find a way to stop this.

She again affirmed that She does not feel the same about me and that she did not want to spend the rest of her Life with me.

She came home from Gym on Monday morning and said, she cannot give me a time frame on any decision as to how we go forward form here, and that she is just being honest how she feels. I acknowledged that.

On Monday I went to IC, which helped me refocus. I did mention about my W and her Kinesiology C. She said it was very dangerous, and that when a W gives up like mine has, there is usually a 3rd party involved on some level. She said all I can do is pray for her and work on myself.

MIL phoned me on Monday and asked how we were doing. I was honest and said no progress and W still felt the same. MIL said she is worried as she is spending all her time with her Kinesiology C and has no way of supporting herself and S if she pursues D. I said I wish she could see what everybody else see's about her C, MIL said she will pray for us.

We then went to MC, I realized in the session that although my W says she has grown and is happier, it very is much an act. She is very reluctant to participate in the MC and this has always been my biggest problem with the R. She never has a smile on her face and is negative about everything.

Till this point I still tried to kiss W goodnight and say ILY. I will stop this as of today, She does not want it and her actions are making this clear.

I have no choice now but to detach, it is only making it harder for me. I had a good night with my S. My W is only working on herself at this point, I need to accept that and do the same. My S is a great deal of joy for me and I will continue to develop that R and give him all the love I have in me, as I have no other outlet for it at this time.

I deserve happiness and to be treated with dignity and respect. I will give that to myself and will not allow my W to take that from me anymore. I have not responded to W when she treats me with disrespect but I will tell her in a positive way that It is not acceptable.

SO another new day, God, please give the strength to live it to the fullest!