Move over... I 'm moving back......

[sandycay]

just wanted to say a quick hi before i breeze off to bed.

keep the forward steps going sandycay. no need for you to feel miserable or downtrodden. that's WAH's role. let him live it if that's his choice. continue to build on fully and completely taking care of yourself. you will more than likely excel at it and above all it is a pathway to happiness.

Bring glory to His name. Let Him absorb whatever fears you might have.

Ted

Hi T

Sorry I don't keep up much anymore to much going on ... losing my mom and now my H has been a pretty hard few months. Now the holidays are coming around the corner and I have some major decisions to make.

I hope you are well

Blessings to you and yours.

[sandycay]

Sandycay... Wow... a lot has changed for you!!

How old are your kids? Just realized we're the same age.
Son 15 Daugher will be 13 on Sunday
FL would be a MAJOR move for you, and he's willing to go along w/it, when you have kids? Wow. Yep, he doesn't question it, it's where we moved from... the kids have been in the school district before. H family is from there so lots of family for the kids and I have a great network of friends there. Plus the housing market it so good right now and we were always going to move back there and retire so I have no reason to stay here when I prefer there.

He is generous. I don't remember. Is there an OW involved? Sounds like he's trying to buy freedom, and not thinking... And not digesting... There was the 1st time in Jan08... I don't see any signs except for his erratic behavior...seems gambling could be the OW .... I certainly don't rule it out, but it doesn't really matter if he's porking Big bird at this point... he has now hurt the children and Mommie don't play that.

Hey, one positive note! You won't be a broke single parent! We have to have SOMETHING to smile about!! WE shall see

Be well, my friend!

[sandycay]

None of this sounds right. The way he's rushing all of a sudden to get the D, giving you almost everything, not caring if his kids move across the country. Eventually he'll come to regret his decisions big time.
Sandy, I am sorry you are having to go through all of this. Hang in there!

Thanks Addie.... where is your thread? He would prefer that I stay here but he's "not gonna fight over the kids or the money"


Guess they aren't worth it in his book. I wouldn't fight with him but if he asked me to not move I might consider but he didn't even do that.

[sandycay]

Sounds to me like he's trying to overcompensate to you in order to make him not feel so guilty about leaving the marriage. In his mind he's not as bad a guy because he "took care of you" in the proceedings.

S4H

Ah yes, the typical narraccistic martyr syndrome. He can show everyone how good he is to me thru money. I would give my everything to have my H back in whole. I just don't know why he did so good then went downhill again. He sure fooled me.

[sandycay]

Well, we survived Thanksgiving alone. The kids and I ran in a local Turkey Trot (their first) they did great and I am so proud. They have never run with me before. New traditions.

Then we hung out at home, did a little cooking and then went to a neighbors for dinner.

The father called at 1:00 to say Happy Thanksgiving. My son shared with me later that his dad had text him earlier to say the same thing and that my S didn't reply... he said "really who text their own kids Happy Thanksgiving" H never asked to see them or anything. D told me that he told her that he was drinking beer (which she said was weird cause he never drinks in the day and not much at night) and watching football.

Well I don't know about you but that sounds like heaven... who knows if he was alone but I suspect he was unless his OW likes to gamble... cause don't know you know he took even more out today to do that at a Casino. So guess that's his new exciting life... strangers, cards, and who knows what else.

So, that's it... I successfully had 3 glasses of wine with dinner and I was fine... no desire to call H, no desire to cry. I think I am angry. I am trying to let it go for now.

I look forward to the day when my feelings will be nuetral towards H. I hope it's soon.

On the plus side, I don't think I have called or text him first since he has been gone.

My kids don't want to go spend the night with him Sat. night. He wants them to... they dont'... counseler says don't make them...lawyer says to make them..... confusing to say the least.

Any ideas... they are 13 & 15

H wont' force them to come stay with him cause you know he's not gonna "fight" to see his kids. I wonder what he would deem worthy of fighting over if not your own kids....

[Kalni]

Why does the lawyer say they have to go? They are old enough to express preferances, no?

Sandy, something still feels off in your part of the world. Cant put my finger on it but trust me, my gut feeling is ALWAYS right!
You'll be ok. Your kids will be ok too. You know it...
xxxx
K

[sandycay]

Off in what manner? Regarding H?

K... H is off maybe that's what you are feeling. He's off his rocker. Nothing he does makes sense. He is completely detached from what his fundamental core is.

I don't concern myself over it to much. I am done. I have dropped the rope. He's done. He's dropped the rope.

At this point, (not that he's trying) there is nothing he could do to make me look back. He has lied to me, used me sexually, emotional abused me for a year. There was no need to do this except he is a weak man. I don't like weak indecisive men. He was strong for 16 years and then the last 3 something fundamentally went wrong for him But it is his reality now, that makes it mine.

I grieve the loss of my H, but at least there will be an end to that grieving process. The neutral state I dream of.

[addie]

Hi Sandy,

I don't think I would "force" the kids to see H. You can encourage them to spend time with their dad but they are old enough to make their own decisions about spending time with him. They may decide to later on when the pain isn't so raw. Of course by that time you may be living hundreds of miles away from H.

You asked about my thread. My last one is in MLC but I haven't posted on there in months. H and I are Piecing but it's been a very slow process. I'll give everyone an update eventually.

After H's PA and S, I too moved across the country back to my hometown where I had left behind a job, family and friends for H's career. My H didn't ask me to stay until a few days before I was about to move. At that point it was too late because I had made all the arrangements and I knew H was still going through the withdrawal process from OW and continued with his many lies. We lived 2500 miles apart for almost a year. He's now been back with us for 6 months. I'd advise you to do what you feel is best for yourself and your kids and if that's moving to Fl where you have support then so be it. Maybe one day your H will wake up and realize he's the one missing out on his kids' lives.

[sandycay]

Thanks Addie,


Well the weekend was interesting. I had the opportunity to meet up with a friend and made some new ones. The friend is someone I met while I was seperated the first time towards the end.

We ran a few times together and had dinner a few times back then. I realized at that point this was not a good idea and I was using it as a crutch to make myself feel better. So I stopped contact.

Anyway, met with friend Sat. night at a local Irish pub and was introduced to his best friend from middle school and his wife. It was a nice time and the wife and I got along so well. I think we will probably do some runs together (the wife). It was nice to catch up with this guy as he is simply fun, has a lot of the same interest and no pressure.
He says he wants to run with me someday soon ... so we will see.

I read the book BBJ suggested He just not that into you. Wow, I am so glad I read this. As I enter this new phase it was good reading. BTW- he text me on the way home and ask me to text him and let me know I made it and said the his friends liked me very much. Very nice.

Plus, he called yesterday. Of course, I let it go to VM as I was busy with my kiddos and just sent him a text regarding his call much later.


The kids & I decorated the outside of the house on Sat. It was emotional for all of us. The kids cried... they fought and I had a break down. We kept coming inside to regroup and then we would try again. I learned I can throw an extension ladder across the garage to get my kids attention when they are going at it. LOL

They spent the night with their dad on sat night and were gone all of 43 mins before I got the 1st text saying they wanted to come home. There was some drama there. Hopefully H and I can work together to help the kids thru this. I think the most imporatant thing I can do right now is "rise above" the anger that I have towards H. I know this is the phase I am in but I can't stay there. Its counter-productive for everyone.

I've offered H to come to the house one night a week and cook dinner with the kids and hang out. H is spending so much money taking them out every week..it's crazy. Plus I can now use that time to join the local running club for one of their runs as it's in the evening. So, I won't have to see H and the kids will see that I am forgiving and this is an olive branch I can extend to him until he gets proper housing (or the flippin boat) to live in. He is putting that off until the D is final so since he honored that request and show him the same by letting him use the house for a night during the week. He stays to far away to take the kids to his hotel effiency and come back and forth with all their weekday sports activities.

I am preparing financial documents for our L appt in mid Dec.

[kjensen]

Hi Sandycay,
Just caught up with you- so sorry things fell apart. Sounds like your head is in a good place and you've got a plan of action. You thought our situations were similar..well H told me last night he was moving out and wanted a divorce. No lollygagging..he doesn't have a plan for where/how he'll live but he wants to move on.

So I can totally relate to the range of emotions you've been going through and only hope that I come out as clear-headed and strong as you.

I am particularly worried about my girls going through this again. Not sure what kind of fall-out it will cause in their lives.

Anyway- I think you are doing remarkably well! Way to go!