Its so easy to know what we need to do when they are at home, but so much harder to do it, hey. The continuous interactions make detachment with kindness such a challenge at times.
I agree that keeping our home a soft warm place to fall for as long as possible is the way to go. If they pull up, it helps, if they do end up going the other way then at least their last memories of living with us is of some sort of warmth and kindness.
TF- You are doing great. Be thankful as you would a friend for those little gestures from H, be detached and caring...
As for Thanksgiving...I think alot of us get wrapped up in memories past, missing what we don't have. We need to remember to be present on the moment and thankful for all that we do have!
Thanks for your input on my thread!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
There, that is better than HO. LOL! I am grateful for the small things. I had another "positive" this morning that was truly an answer to prayer.
I am a bit paralyzed about T-giving. He hasn't asked anything about plans or volunteered anything and I am afraid to talk to him about it. He is invited to my parents' with us but I am 99% certain he won't go. I guess I am afraid to talk about it because I don't want to hear those words though I am prepared. I need to just bite the bullet I guess.
I know how easy it is to hang on what they will say or do. The more you practice not doing that, the easier it is.
Why ask him if he's going? Let him know what time you're leaving and when you expect to be back. If he chooses to come, he knows how to get in the car. I don't say this flippantly or with any attitude behind it. The only time I ask if H will be coming to something he's invited to is if it will change something (like an extra hotel room etc).
This year all I said was "we want to invite you to the upcoming holidays." My D17 told me this morning that he is coming on Thanksgiving. I have to admit, I'm really surprised. Nothing to skip a beat over though. The plans I have don't change b/c of it.
Takes time to get there and I still have moments. Just not this time and not over this.
Well, the invitation was extended tonight. D asked if he was going and he said he didn't know or something like that. That is how he answers pretty much any question these days anyway. You're right about not asking but it is so dang hard. I highly doubt he will say anything about it ahead of time, either. His MLC craziness. He is telling where he is going more now, but almost never ahead of time, more when he is on his way out the door. Of course, guess I have gotten used to doing that, too.:)
So has your H joined you for the holidays previously?
You sound like you handle this MLC stuff so well!!!
You sound like you handle this MLC stuff so well!!!
LMAO! No, I don't. I just had to back off and not make myself so crazy with it all.
Quote:
So has your H joined you for the holidays previously?
Yes. He has even gone on vacavtions with us. Surprises me every time. Does it mean anything? Not really. Do I think he's changing his mind and re-thinking all of this? No. I'll think that when he says something to that effect.
What I do think is that he has an avoidant personality thing going on. So, that could mean it will be along time before he does anything (like filing). Will I? I don't know. No time soon though.
I know the non-response and "I don't knows" when asked questions. My H has gotten a little better in the last few months. I just take anything like that as a "no, thank you".
Let your D ask and they will find a way to communicate (or not). I hope they do. My D's are still working on it (well, as much as teenagers work on communicating with parents).
Regardless of what he does. Have a great time and take lots of pictures!
TF- Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Focus on your family and the kids. Thanks for your support this year!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
I`m very interested in that avoidant personality thing that Grace mentioned. It seems to be something we have in common with our H.
I noticed for me that the boundary setting thing -putting my foot down gently-really seems to have improved things around here. For me, at any rate.
I wonder if thats what we have to do to deal with this avoidance stuff. My H explodes when he`s bottled up an excessive amount of bad feeling. Of course I`m not privy to when those ab feelings start so have no idea when -or why- he`s about to spew.
What`s helped me is not to get upset when he gets upset. I just stay very calm, even if my heart is hammering with fear or anger.
And I challenge him gently on how he says stuff "Please don`t blame me. I really didn`t know you`d feel this way"
Not, mind you, that it`ll keep us together in the long run. But at least I`m not getting as upset about stuff any more.
TIF, having fun with or without H is the way to go.We really need to learn not to let their mood affect ours. Hope your Thanksgiving is relaxing and fun for you and the kids.
