Yep, the resentment comes from not being genuine. The Nice Guy appeases others to the detriment of himsef. So what's the moral of the story? How does a man thrive in his next relationship?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Yep, the resentment comes from not being genuine. The Nice Guy appeases others to the detriment of himsef. So what's the moral of the story? How does a man thrive in his next relationship?
Coach, I agree with you, and I think I know what you're getting at - if something bothers me, it's my responsibility to bring it up. I get that, but in my sitch, what is bothering me is that W is calling me by my first name - I know, what else would she call me (insert joke here). Pre-bomb, she always called me by one of a few terms of affection we used for each other. Nothing sappy, but something other than our first names.
So, each time she uses my first name, I hear "I don't love you anymore" or "I don't view you as my H anymore", both of which I accept. It just triggers a reaction in me.
I know this is not something SHE is doing to hurt me, and I realize the cause of the pain is self-inflicted. But, in all honesty, it is there, minor as it is. But, evidently not so minor as not to generate some resentment.
Which gets back to the issue. Just as I cannot ask her to tell me she loves me, I can't ask her to call me something other than my name.
At bedrock level, it really isn't about the name as much as it is about the fact she doesn't feel a certain way about me. Which, truly, is MY problem. So, I return to me being happy with me and recognizing my self worth.
Am I off base on this? Is this an issue to be brought up? Or is the issue to be brought up the fact that I am not happy where our R is right now? B/c if that's it, I have had that discussion, which is partly, I think, which got us to the MC issue. That will be discussed in the next day or two - I still have to organize my notes from teh interviews of the MC's, check to see which ones are covered potentially by my health insurance (not THE issue but something to consider).
Yep, the resentment comes from not being genuine. The Nice Guy appeases others to the detriment of himsef. So what's the moral of the story? How does a man thrive in his next relationship?
Well this nice guy will be doing the work in (not just reading) No More Mr. Nice Guy (a book which was written about and for me, I might add.. ), and in Hold On To Your N.U.T.S, The Four Agreements (just to name three of so many)
Continue defining and becoming the best me for me. That and all I've learned this year about me, relationships, communication, boundaries, etc., etc., ETC. ad infinitum will be incorporated - through conscious effort and osmosis - into all my relationships, all my interactions. Then, then (and I'm in no rush, here) into my next R.
That's my goal and planworkplan and I'm sticking with 'em.
Wordy as always,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
A lot of your statements and self-questioning in your last post ^^^ made wonder: Have you been/are you in IC ? Invaluable (for me) in this kind of self-reflection.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Had an IC session today. Really mostly just to wrap up before W and I start MC. I will talk with W tomorrow about which MC's I want to use.
My C said he was surprised W had not changed her position in 6 months of DB'ing and was surprised W changed mind about MC. C is re-M'd, and he told me a while back that his 1st W went through the motions of MC just to let him down easy.
I don't expect anything from MC, but if anything happens, it has to be in the positive direction. I mean, I can get any more D'd than I am on track for now.
Last day or so, and especially tonight, I feel no pull towards W, none. While I didn't do it intentionally, I found myself pulling back from her tonight. The more I pulled back, the more she pursued with conversation. At times, she rambled about the things she needed to do before Thanksgiving. Sorry W, I'm just not feeling it right now. And I'm beginning to wonder if I want to feel that with her again.
C is re-M'd, and he told me a while back that his 1st W went through the motions of MC just to let him down easy.
Are you saying you suspect this? I believe my STBXW did this.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Last day or so, and especially tonight, I feel no pull towards W, none. While I didn't do it intentionally, I found myself pulling back from her tonight. The more I pulled back, the more she pursued with conversation. At times, she rambled about the things she needed to do before Thanksgiving. Sorry W, I'm just not feeling it right now. And I'm beginning to wonder if I want to feel that with her again.
One of those nights.....
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
C is re-M'd, and he told me a while back that his 1st W went through the motions of MC just to let him down easy.
Are you saying you suspect this? I believe my STBXW did this.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Last day or so, and especially tonight, I feel no pull towards W, none. While I didn't do it intentionally, I found myself pulling back from her tonight. The more I pulled back, the more she pursued with conversation. At times, she rambled about the things she needed to do before Thanksgiving. Sorry W, I'm just not feeling it right now. And I'm beginning to wonder if I want to feel that with her again.
One of those nights.....
Sorry about the quote within a quote - I know how much you like that.
I'm not down. Emotionless is a better way to describe it. Unintentionally emotionless.
As for whether W is just going through the motions, I don't know, but it would not surprise me. Either that or she is willing to give this one last hail mary.
But, it doesn't really matter why she has agreed to go. I can't mindread why she agreed to go anymore than I can control the outcome of MC.
I'm good tonight. Just in a reflective sort of mood.
