I can't stop people from starting to tell me stuff, but I can stop them.
I would never seek out information about my divorcing spouse but if someone started saying stuff, I wouldn't stop them..
UNTIL..
I learned that it hurt me more in the end and did absolutely nothing positive for me...
AND
That whatever I heard, learned, etc. hurt.. just plain old gut twisting, backstabbing hurt.
So, I learned as someone started on that subject line to stop the conversation, say: That is no longer my concern, I'm not interested, etc. Most recent attempt was friends and his sister wanting to talk about my former spouse's wedding and his wife. Uhhh.. not interested, but could you send me pictures of the kids?
It's always easier to be mad at someone else, rather than someone you love..
That happened when my rebellious teenage son gave the security code to his friends to party at our house while we as a family were away for two weeks. I had no problem being mad at the 'miscreants' who invaded our home; it took me much longer to see what the real problem was... A son who made poor choices and my spouse's and my part in it. Ouch.
Smile.. can I call you Smile?
I'd like you to just listen (or read) without any reply forming in your mind. Just hush and read.
I was angry, destroyed and hurt as all the revelations trickled down after my spouse left. It sucked twelve ways to Sunday. I never made a timeline but I knew the day he said he was miserable and wanted out. I kept repeating the same story over and over. After the shock wore off I still wanted people to know (in case they had any doubt) that my divorcing spouse was an insensitive, stupid, cruel jerkwad who destroyed a family. It. Was. Not. Fair.
At some point between all the good self care, counseling, pallet full of 2x4's I realized that I was the one who kept screaming within. That I had to make sure there was no doubt in anyone's mind that he was a complete $#@%@#.. but I also had to do it without calling him names. Queen of the high road.
So.. eventually I learned to just hush... because the more validation I sought from others, the more likely the seeds of bitterness would flourish.
My brother probably told me every day, every time I had an 'aha' moment, to stop beating the dead horse. He'd whack me with a 2x4.. I'd pick it up and keep going at the horse.
So, Smile.. I see things in you that remind me of me. The anger, the hurt, the cycle of saying the same tales of woe over and over.
I just started to type a synopsis of my situation and stopped. Why? It hurts, it makes me feel bad.. and it does nothing positive. It doesn't make things better. It's like getting stung by a wasp, plucking out it's stinger and stinging myself over and over.
I had no choice in the bomb, but I am in control in how I heal.
