Are you an idiot for loving your W no matter how much she hurts you? No.....but you may be if you tolerate bad treatment from her. That is what we might be able to help you with.
You said you were shocked and that the two of you could have at least "talked". Are you like some H who the W tried to tell him how unhappy she was....but he didn't hear her? After nothing happen and she got quiet about it then you thought everything was fine again, but the truth was that she had made up her mind the M was done. Think about it. Do you remember her trying to tell you before?
It could be due to a lot of stress. It is horrible how young W/mothers are put through so much stress that their number one death is caused by heart attacks. Before womens lib hit the society pages, you never heard of it. Best change the subject before some young woman comes to chop my ears off about that....thinking I'm not in favor of "equal rights".
I think it is great that you have laid the bottle down. I think that it's great you are helping out with the house. This may be a couple of ways that could give her some signs of encouragement.....if she was looking for some. However, she has given you the ILYBNILWY speech....so I don't think she's looking for changes, promises or anything else except "out". Tell me, has she asked you to stop drinking before.....and did you always promise her you would? I hope you will....but if you are doing it to keep your W from leaving, I'm afraid that alone will not cut the mustard this time.
I have a feeling that she's lost any attraction for you and also respect...and that's why she feels no love in her heart. If you can give us some more details about your R then that will help us.
The first thing you need to tackle is self-respect and getting that bottle put up is the best place to start. That will probably be your toughest, also. Take a day at a time....and take what you can deal with at the pace you can handle. Make yourself a list of things that you could do that would cause you to feel better about yourself.
The reason I'm saying this is b/c if your self-esteem is hurting, there is a good chance her respect for you is very low, if not completely shot. You have to have her respect before anything else will develop. For a woman, the most important thing is to respect her H...then, she will feel attracted and strat feeling that love in her heart.
The reason you were told not to leave your home or marital bed is b/c you must maintain your position as the man of the home/family. If you leave, most courts look down on the man leaving his family. If you leave your marital bed, that is as if you are the guilty party. If she doesn't want to sleep with you, let her get another bed...that's her problem. If she wants a S, let her leave, that's her problem. Listen carefully here....in the past her problems were your problems b/c you were her H and that's just how it is in a MR. However, at this point you allow her problems to be hers and not your....okay? That's very important, and you will come to understand why more and more as we go along.
Remember to be the head of your home, be the leader, and don't take her "stuff" when she starts slinging. Don't be a bully, and if there are issues of any type of abuse.....stop it now or kiss her goodbye. You will find that the more honest you are with board members, the better we all can help you. Thanks for telling us about the drinking. You will find a lot of support here on the board. Read other threads and reach out to them to help build up your support group. Come back as often as possible b/c that helps to keep people interested and updated in your stitch.
Take care of yourself. That is so important!
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
