WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

I am trying to stay positive and optimistic. I know realistically I've only been out of work 10 days and with this holiday season not much will happen before the new year.

I got an email response from her relative to the custody. She never called so she came back with the same crap she asked for back when she moved out. I responded that sending emails back and forth is not productive and if she wants to try and work out an agreement we will need to talk and it will require movement on by both parties. She didn't respond

When she picked up the boys tonite, I asked why she didn't call to discuss like she said she would. She said that she didn't see the point because we were so far apart. I told her that's why we need to talk. Then she said that we haven't been able to before so why should it be different now. Then we got into a whole thing of how it was all my fault and that what I did drove her to cheat on me. That's when the conversation got worse.....

I stopped probably 10 minutes too late buri ended it with she has been acting selfishly through all her actions and I don't know why I thought she wouldn't in this case

So it was a waste of my time and breathe....

I did buckle up the boys in her car and gave them both big hugs and kisses ad said I would talk with them tonite

So goes another day

Forward motion...

[antlers]

Then we got into a whole thing of how it was all my fault and that what I did drove her to cheat on me.

You are responsible for the things that you have shouldered and talked about on your threads, and you did everything you could to make amends for those things, including changing...but you are NOT responsible for her decision to cheat on you. She is 100% responsible for THAT, regardless of what she says or how she feels!

Ludicrous, despicable, and disgusting!

[mindfull]

CIPA -

How far apart are you on the custody discussions? (If I may...) My D18 is actually my H's step-daughter. I was married for a short period of time right out of college. I can give you some advice... The kids do better if they're not bounced back and forth a bunch of times a week, and if their schedule is consistent, not cyclical. I know your boys are young, but they need constant blocks of time, and they shouldn't have to get a calendar out to figure out whose house they'll be at in two weeks on a Tuesday. It should be easy, and chunked into blocks of time.

Just my two cents!!!

[confusedinpa]

I have picked them up Fri after school and she picked them up from me on Sun at 7:30 PM since I started working in NY

Prior to that I had them on Thurs after school, Fri, Sat and she picked them up on Sun at 8:30 am. We would alternate Weds.

So pretty much she has had every Fri & Sat nite free since she moved out

She has said that we need to go back to what we had done now that I'm back in Pa. I told her BS as I want to see them as much as possible and now that I know the truth, I will not give her every weekend off again

So the options on the "table" are:

1) Alternate weeks. Not a fan to that as I don't want to not see my boys for 7 days

2) 2/2/3 - MT with one parent, WTh with the other and alternate FSaSu. Not a fan as it seems disruptive to have the boys move evey 2 days

3) 3/3/1 - SuMT with one parent, WThF with the other, alternate Sat (pickup at 7:30 pm) so both parents will have at least one weekend day with the children. I prefer the SuMT as I've been taking the boys I church with me. Something she never did even before she left.

Curious to any feedback on the 3 options

[MrBond]

hey guy,

just checking to see how everything's going.

how was your holidays?

[confusedinpa]

hey guy,

just checking to see how everything's going.

how was your holidays?

Stuck,

Things are going....

She dropped the kids back off on Thurs at 7:30PM. Still no further discussion on custody. I've been waiting for her to call, not sure if I should just call her....

Anyway, I took the kids up to CT to see my buddy and his family. They really enjoy playing with my buddy's kids. His oldest is in cub scouts so we let him practice making a fire each nite so we could roast marshmellows. Very cool - I never did that before and neither did my boys. She never called the boys on Friday but I don't think my boys even noticed as they are used to her not calling.

On Sat we went out on a hike that his troop had cleared a path in. It was suppose to be 30 minute hike, but we got lost and it turned into a 1.5 hour hike. We were getting a little nervous as we didn't bring flash lights and the sun was setting. Fortunately, my phone gps worked so we just made a bee line to the nearest street. It wasn't too bad even though my 3 year old wound up sitting on shoulders after the first 30 minutes. My 7 year old really had a lot of fun. We capped off that nite with a fire in my buddies outdoor fireplace again roasting marshmellows.

I had the boys try to call their mother. They didn't want to but they did. I was sorry again for making them call when I saw how sad they looked when it went to voice mail.

On Sunday, we wound up playing football and then baseball with the kids (there was 5 of them). Before we left, we started a fire to cook hotdogs and filet mignon (ran out of hot dogs) for lunch. Overall the boys had a blast.

She was suppose to pick them up Sun nite and then bring them back Mon morning, but my 7 year old called her to ask if they could just sleep at home so they aren't bouncing back and forth so much. She was ok with it. Then he surprised me by asking her to answer the phone when they call as it made him sad when she doesn't answer. She said she didn't know that was happening.

She picked up the boys on Monday nite. I talked to them before they went to bed, like I usually do, and they really sounded tired. I did get to have a one on one day with my 3 year old as we moved him to part time day care with my job loss (he goes Tues and Thurs). We both really enjoyed that as it was only our second one.

She was suppose to drop our 7 year old off today so I could take him to school, but she was running 45 minutes late. I text her to find out what was going on and she blamed our 3 year old. Figures, she never accepts responsibilities for anything. I just told her that at this rate, she should just take our 7 year old right to school as he will be late.

She sent me an email on custody saying that since I'm watching them during the day during the week, she could take them each nite and we could alternate weekends. I responded saying that seemed like a lot of transitions (daily) for the kids to deal with. I again urged her that this was too important to try and discuss via email/text and asked her to pick an evening for us to discuss.

She responded with an email saying she didn't see how that was too much transitions.

I just responded with a we need to discuss this response and left it at that.

It's like talking with a child. What's even more funny is her best friend de-friended me from facebook.... I would cry if I didn't think it was sooooo high school.....

Now that all her friends de-friended me from facebook I thought about posting all the crap I have on her, but realized that would make me no better than her.... wishful thinking though.....

My boys did have a meltdown once though about how mommy isn't coming back and how they wished we could all just stay together again. I just hugged them and told them it is ok to cry and be sad, but the reality is that she is not coming back. I told them it was a grown up thing but I will tell them what happened if they want to know when they are older.

What really surprised me is that my 3 year old said mommy told him that she was cheating. I asked my 7 year old if he heard the same thing his brother just said. Unfortunately, he said he didn't hear what his brother just said. I asked my 3 year old to repeat it, but he wouldn't and asked me to tell his brother. I didn't want to say it to him for it come out saying he heard it from me so I just dropped it.

So, only 1 month left of 2009, can't wait till 2010.

I'm back in full swing today of sending out resumes, calling leads and recruiters. I did call a lawyer about potentially buying the bar/resturant that I want. Hopefully he gets back to me.

FIDO!

[confusedinpa]

One other thing, my buddy in CT and I talked about the custody thing. He asked if I think I would be the better parent for the boys to be with during the weekend. I thought I would as I am the one who usually takes them to do things (i.e. play baseball, soccer, bike riding, football, etc.). He then asked am I then punishing the kids by only seeing them every other weekend, knowing that she doesn't do those things......

Interesting question....

The other side of it is that it gets me annoyed with how she gets to live the weekends just the way she wants. But then again, it comes down to what's best for the kids isn't it????

What a connundrum.....

I know that I will ultimately need weekends for my own relationships, so maybe I'm being too short sighted. I don't know. Curious to other people's thoughts....

[Gnosis]

CiPa,

I don't think you're punishing the kids with the alternating weekend idea. They need their mother too and you're giving them what they need. What she chooses to do with the time she's given with them... is beyond your control. She'll reap the benefits of her interactions (or lack of) with the boys later on in life. What's best for the kids is the presence of both parents in their life.

Also, I agree with you, you're going to need that for your new relationships in the future. What's best for the kids is that Dad is happy and enjoying life. If Dad is alone and sad, how's he going to be able to demonstrate a healthy, well-balanced life to his sons?

Nah, IMHO, keep pushing on the custody you want. She's controlled you and had everything her way to this point. Fight for what you want and know is best for the kids. Never give up.

[MrBond]

Don't take them all the weekends unless you intend to go for full custody. And even then, you need to have a life.

Right now she's having her cake and eating it too. She feels no remorse as to how the sitch is affecting your kids. If she really did flat out tell your son that she's cheating, she is seriously messed up. I would sign them up for counseling. There's not telling how your kids are going to grow up with her behavior like that. I would have even called her out on in and document all that for your L. Make sure you log down all the times that she never took them to events.

If you want to press for the custody meeting, then give her a definite date. Tell her that you want to meet on a certain day and that if she does not comply, then you will talk to your L about it and have her foot the bill.

My guess is that she's going broke real fast from all her flings, so make sure you get a handle on the money issue asap. Be sure there's enough for you and your sons. It's what I said wayyy in the beginning of your sitch. She's looking to find someone else to hook on to and to hell with your kids.

[confusedinpa]

Gnosis & Stuck

Thanks for the quick replies

I don't think you're punishing the kids with the alternating weekend idea. They need their mother too and you're giving them what they need. What she chooses to do with the time she's given with them... is beyond your control. She'll reap the benefits of her interactions (or lack of) with the boys later on in life.

I do agree that the kids need both parents in their life, but I am concerned about the kids missing out on opportunities. Today, I had some one on one time with my 7 year old after school. I asked what he wanted to do. He said he wanted to play catch with a football. It was really nice and it really reminded me of what I missed when I was in NY. That's one thing that hurts, how my boys will miss that opportunity cuz she doesn't do that stuff with them. She just let them watch TV and stuff like that.

What's best for the kids is that Dad is happy and enjoying life. If Dad is alone and sad, how's he going to be able to demonstrate a healthy, well-balanced life to his sons?

I do agree that I need to be happy and enjoying life. I was able to do that in NY when I was coming back every weekend to see my boys so I'm not that worried about getting a life, with or without my weekends free. I just gotta get back into gear so I can do that now that I'm back in Pa.

Nah, IMHO, keep pushing on the custody you want. She's controlled you and had everything her way to this point. Fight for what you want and know is best for the kids. Never give up.

Ultimately what I want is for the kids full time, but with my lack of a job and the uncertainty of prospects, now is not a good time to push for it. So right now, I feel that the best thing for the kids, to minimize the transitions as I watch our 3 year old on Mon, Weds and Fri and my 7 year old before and after school every day. What I mean about transitions is where the kids (particularly the 3 year old) has to go from one parent to the other. What that schedule looks like I'm still trying to work through in my head as I want to make sure I still spend time with them at least every other weekend while offering as much stability as possible.

Just typing that all out gave me a headache....

She feels no remorse as to how the sitch is affecting your kids.

You're not kidding about that. Even last Monday she was on her soap box saying how she did nothing wrong as it was all my fault that made her do what she did. I called her out on it saying I wasn't the one who put another guy's c*ck in her mouth last year. She asked why I kept bringing that up. I nearly fell over but just said for the same reason why she spent all year lying about everything everytime we talked.

So with no remorse at all, there's not much left to do. I'm done waiting. I need to make sure I'm strong enough so that I can teach my boys how to survive this nightmare....

If you want to press for the custody meeting, then give her a definite date. Tell her that you want to meet on a certain day and that if she does not comply, then you will talk to your L about it and have her foot the bill.

There is a definite court date already - Dec 15th. She knows that it will happen if we don't reach agreement. That's a good idea though, as I've been asking her in my emails to pick a nite to talk. Maybe I should just ask her to talk Thurs nite and see how it goes...

So she's still driving the freight train off the cliff. No amount of reasoning or yelling is getting her to snap out of her lala land and see it (besides, I think she's found another guy again). I just gotta figure out how to get me and my boys off of it with the minimal amount of bumps and bruises......

FIDO....