So.... by all accounts.... DBing is making progress in my sitch... bit by bit... but still progress....
any theories then about why I am feeling so down? LIke, seriously, seriously down?
Because you miss your spouse. You miss being able to hug them, or kiss them, or snuggle with them, or make love to them the way it was when things were better.
Because you want it to be better now. You want to enjoy the relationship that you had before the bomb (or better).
Been there, done that.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Because you miss your spouse. You miss being able to hug them, or kiss them, or snuggle with them, or make love to them the way it was when things were better.
Because you want it to be better now. You want to enjoy the relationship that you had before the bomb (or better).
Been there, done that.
Trent... you hit the nail on the head. That's it. Exactly. Wow... I really, really miss him. So much it physically hurts. Sometimes the loneliness.... well, I'm sure everyone who is here on these boards understands...
So, I need to give myself permission to feel that. It is valid, it is real. I just have to not get stuck in it. Shake it off by the time H gets home and get back to DBing. Man, it's hard work isn't it? We should all get some kind of award for this...
Amazing what someone validating your feelings can do to lift your spirits. Thanks Trent!
That comes when we're able to join Coach in the DB'ing Hall of Fame.
Originally Posted By: rockedworld
Amazing what someone validating your feelings can do to lift your spirits. Thanks Trent!
Like I said: been there, done that. And you're right -- the solution is to give yourself permission to feel those feelings, then be done with them before you see your spouse again.
In my journal (the paper one I carry with me, not the summary I post in my thread) I make note of positive developments. So if I need to, I can go back and see how far things have come.
And as my friend told me today when I was feeling frustrated, "Remember 4 or 5 weeks ago? You said that you would give anything to be able to kiss your wife or snuggle with her the way you used to. And now you can, to a degree. You have a long way to go, but you are farther than you thought you ever could be."
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Thanks for the reminder of journaling.... I was keeping a solution journal (as Michele suggests in DB) earlier in my sitch, but when I wasn't seeing much progress back then I gave up. NOw is the time I should be keeping it, and looking back in it to remind myself there IS progress happening, and as slow as it is it is still happening.
-Wow... I really, really miss him. So much it physically hurts. Sometimes the loneliness.... well, I'm sure everyone who is here on these boards understands... -So, I need to give myself permission to feel that. It is valid, it is real. - I just have to not get stuck in it. Shake it off by the time H gets home and get back to DBing. -Man, it's hard work isn't it?
-Yes. -Yes. -Yes -Yes. Long, too.
Keep going, girl.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
So.... by all accounts.... DBing is making progress in my sitch... bit by bit... but still progress....
any theories then about why I am feeling so down? LIke, seriously, seriously down?
Because you miss your spouse. You miss being able to hug them, or kiss them, or snuggle with them, or make love to them the way it was when things were better.
Because you want it to be better now. You want to enjoy the relationship that you had before the bomb (or better).
Been there, done that.
OK, I posted before I read this. Sounds like we're saying the same thing.
Hey rocked. I'll just add, it'll be a surprise if you did not feel down. I mean, it's draining. That's why places like this board is so helpful - the support. What we are all going / have gone / about to go through is immensely draining and wearisome. And that's the good part if you can control the pain by cutting out the option of suffering.
You just gotta keep picking yourself up and keeping yourself up.
And umm, I'm not sure at all if it will have any relevance to your sitch, but I faced parallel decisions / milestones in mine. It certainly is not a good idea to generalize, and I'm not saying for a minute our spouses have the same dynamics in their As, but here's a few heads up in my humblest opinion:
Be very mindful of validating and / or encouraging H's mood swings towards OW. Be mindful too of your own state of mind and "DB integrity" or you can eat yourself alive, or rather the self-doubt can, not to mention dealing with the seeming insanity should the sitch go south.
W had also spoken to me at length about OM and their R. About the closeness, the connection, why it happened. There's a VERY fine line between hearing out the WAS, and helping them justify in their own minds why it happened. And this is important because I feel at some point, without being vindictive on the part of the LBS, both spouses have to come to terms with what had been going wrong in the M, and each have to OWN the responsibility for the decisions they made. You can't fully move forward without confronting this demon.
W also spoke to me of the negatives in the A. How OM was rich, but cheap. How she knew it was never going to go anywhere. When I was serving military reserve for 3 weeks a few days after discovery, she texted me regularly, including "I miss you"s. Met me for lunch one day and out of nowhere "Deep, see that grass there? It's always greener on the other side, until you step in it and it's full of sh*t" - and that's a direct quote.
Oh, but a couple of weeks later, it was the Alien again. "I have no connection with you"; "I care so much for you, I guess this is just the way Ms will go, I just am not in love with you"; "the A is over, we're just friends now. Why can't we be friends Deep? Why can't you be adult about this?; "What I did was morally, ethically wrong, in the eyes of society, but I did it for me, and it was not wrong for me".
You get the drift. It was maddening to detach, cautiously think about reconnecting, get slapped, rinse and repeat.
And yes the contact was intact in my sitch too, OM was her client. We needed the $ too (ok to be brutally honest, it could have been more of want than need), her career meant the world to her, and I was weak or understanding, depending on your point of view.
It's conventional wisdom that WAS need to mourn the loss of the A, suffer the withdrawal, come to terms with the devastation of giving up their emotional focal point. Put yourself in their shoes, and give them the benefit of having some honor and integrity in wanting to come back to the M - still, how are they going to do this while facing OP?
Difficult would be your most positive situation. How strong is your H, and what kind of person is OW? (yes, that's partly rhetorical). OM was definitely a predator and he very insidiously tugged at my W. It was a most unreal and painful experience watching my personal hellish version of "Alien Vs Predator", heck it took a LONG time before it was even "versus". And my W is simply one of the strongest, smartest persons I have ever known. The contact certainly did not help.
Exposure? I never went all the way. But once earlier in the sitch, OM texted her "by mistake" he later claimed. W replied asking him to respect her wish to be left alone. I completely lost it then, called his home, asked for OMW, and politely left a message that I needed to talk to her about an A her H was having. His reaction was classic - he called W the next day saying I had broken a boundary by calling his home and that "they had an agreement they would leave the kids and family out of it". But I think that shook his little world just a little.
Keep doing good
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
We should all get some kind of award for this... 
