The gloaming

[Jimbo]

Hi gang,

I see that I haven't written anything in a good long while. Fact of the matter is, there really hasn't been anything to write regarding the sitch. And despite the fact that this has been the first time I have had to see my XW since the D was final, I probably wouldn't have even written anything about today's interaction if it weren't for one disturbing detail.....

For about a month now, my XW has been sending me emails, basically asking me for her half of the money from our retirement account. And I have to admit, when the only contact you have from someone that you love is only for her to ask when she's getting her money, it's depressing! I was sick of it. I made the call to my L to draw up the paperwork, and I arranged a time for him, my XW and I to meet at his office so that she could sign that she received her money, I could give her her freaking money, and frankly, get her on with her life. If the only thing she was willing to talk to me for was the money, then I was going to eliminate that crutch. I deserve better.

So today was the day. I showed up at my L's office, bag o' cash in hand. XW showed up about 5 minutes later. Paperwork was signed, cash was exchanged. Done. While XW and L were exchanging niceties, he says to her to make sure that that gets in the bank quickly, so she doesn't get knocked in the head for it somewhere. She comes back with, "Oh, I am! Today. In fact, I'm going to have him walk me out to the car.", gesturing to me. By now I'm thinking to myself, "OK, this will be quick."

Nope.

We make it down to the lobby, talking all the way. She walks over to the door of the building, looks out, and sees it raining. It's not a heavy downpour- something between a light rain and a sprinkling, yet she says, "Oh, it's raining. I'm going to stay in here until it lets up". I'm laughing to myself as I think, "Yeah, you might really get drenched in that little bit of moisture out there", and play her little game. We talk in the lobby for the rest of the hour about everything- what she's doing, what I'm doing, her family, my family, how she likes how I'm dressed....even about our freaking cat that she took with her that has a urinary tract infection. I consciously violated the DB rule of being the first to break off the interaction, just to see how long she would go.

She eventually looks at her watch and makes her excuse that she needs to get back because her lunch hour is nearly up. We step out the door and into the rain....to stand by the door and talk a little bit more. Another 5 minutes and she makes her excuses....

Now, the moment of truth. She has always hugged me at the end of our interactions. But our conversation this time around had had an almost clinical tone to it....like how you would talk to an old colleague, rather than an old lover. Just like she had backed away from everything else since this whole MLC started, I was fully prepared, and actually expecting her to just say goodbye, turn, and walk away. Sometime shortly before she hugged me, I heard myself ask her if she was doing okay. She responded that she was doing great, and that she was learning so much about who she was. I followed up with, "that's great to hear". Then, as she hugged me, she asked "How are you doing with all of this?"

I wasn't going to lie and tell her I was great. I wasn't. This $#!+ sucked. At the same time, I wasn't going to tell her that, either. My mind shot back to memories of happier times. Maybe she sensed my conflicted feelings, or it was the fact that I said nothing. I don't know. But mid-hug she looked up at me, as if waiting for my answer. All I could do was stare into her eyes as I remembered all the love I had...and still have...for her.

My eyes must have told her what I was trying so hard to avoid saying- "I still love you" -because she, all of a sudden, turned her head back down and hugged onto me much more firmly.

Was it guilt? Regret? Fear? Damn it. Why did she have to look up? Why did I have to look into her eyes! I so wanted to just take her in my arms and kiss her, but the vibe wasn't right. I knew it wouldn't fly. I just held her.

We walked toward the cars, which happened to be parked close to each other. (Did she do this by design? Who the hell knows. It doesn't really matter anymore, anyway.) Two sidewalks ran the same way with a median in between them- She went walking on one, I intentionally chose the other...best not to crowd her after that exchange. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable after what she saw in me.

We made our way to my car, and as I stopped at my car, she stopped just ahead of me as we said our final goodbyes. We talked a little bit more as I finally regained enough presence of mind to quip to myself, "Funny how she was so concerned about getting wet earlier- now she's standing there in the rain talking to me!" As she turned to leave, she said that she'd email me about how our cat was doing after her upcoming vet appointment.

She pulled out of the parking lot, and was gone. I waited a bit, so I could give her enough of a head start that she didn't feel like I was crowding her. Didn't matter. She was waiting at the stoplight for the building complex to make a left turn. I pulled up next to her to make my right turn. I couldn't help but wonder what went through her mind when she clung to me like that...whether it was guilt, or regret, or something else........or did she think she had let down her guard for that crucial split second to that place where the "I don't love you anymore" lie can't be told believably anymore?

I secretly watched to see if she would look over at my car as I stopped, and then turned.

She didn't.

An hour and a half later, I got an email from her on her work email telling me that she had made it to the bank okay, and that she'd let me know how the vet appointment went. Underneath her signature block was another signature block with info for her upcoming Christmas show with her singing group- the same kind of show that last year, she didn't want me anywhere near. Was this an add on to her sig block that goes to anybody she emails or an invite that she could convince herself that she didn't send? Who the hell knows.