Changing Man

[Gardener]

Gypsy,

Hey G-Man..

It was great watching your son perform. What a voice.. amazing. Please let me know whenever he's performing. The only thing better than his voice is how he interacts with you. You can tell there's a lot of love and caring there. He truly is a remarkable guy.

It was also nice to be watching the play with the proud Papa, seeing the joy radiate in your face as you told of his abilities as a child.

All in all, a very good night. Thanks for letting me be part of it.

*hugs*

Thanks for all the above and thank you for being a part of it.

[Gardener]

Thanks for both, Bunny.
Know what I did tonight? Took my brother out as a belated birthday present.
Guess where I took him?

Two nights, two performances

Only wish I had been able to see all 7 performances

[Gardener]

Vegged out day. Planned it that way. And a funny start to the day!
After son's show last night, I drove my brother home, and I got home around 1:00 am and stayed on this board too long (2:30 or so?) Decided to sleep in and have a nothing day. Wake up at 1:00PM.
Learned a valuable lesson: when you are going to sleep in, veg out and you're selling your house, you should at least turn on your phone and check email when you wake up!
In sweats, lounging in bed, 1:30 pm. Reading Dan Brown's new novel. I hear the front door lock click, door open and the sounds of many feet in my living room! Realtor and 3 customers!
I go out, just looking like all hell: "Hello!" "Didn't you know we were coming?" Laughs all around. They agree to give me ten minutes to change clothes, make the bed, and leave. (fortunately I keep every room spotless constantly now that its on the market).
Had they shown up 30 minutes earlier, it would've been a real hoot: nothing wakes me up when I'm having a good, long sleep in!

And, yep, I later heard my broker's 10:00 am voicemail and read his 10:02 e-mail!

[Gardener]

Journaling,
Well, my much-needed veg-out day was great in spite (because?) of hilarious start to it all, detailed above.

Two thoughts stand out in an otherwise perfectly-executed nothing day.

1) 17 years ago, we wrote our own vows. They started with a preamble of sorts that included, "those of us who are closest to G and W know that they have already married in the deepest sense, for they have entered into a covenent of companionship. Today they publicly avow that covenant; today we publicly celebrate it." Like many, we were deeply married long before the ceremony that June day.

So, I guess these last few weeks of detaching more, caring less, practicing and living The Four Agreements, etc. have been a time of my inward self (finally) acknowledging that "we have already divorced in the deepest sense." and on a Day in December we will simply publicly acknowledge it.

And this:
2)

Stepson is not calling me back. As I've journaled before, while in Chicago, I butted in and told STBXW that my S is kinda hurt that after 17 yrs. Stepson/StepMother, she's hanging with StepSon's WAS, lunching, meeting, etc. yet never once called him to see how he's doing. I presented this briefly and gingerly (almost - almost- nervously since when I speak, STBXW hears Demon Talk.) STBXW said at mediator's last week that it came out snotty and curt & stepson felt the same and is angry at me? WTF? Left him VM saying, "I understand you've taken issue with a brief, rather benign exchange Mom & I had in Chicago, Call me. Let's talk." No reply in 5 days.

is now 10 days. Actually it is longer more since I had l left him a message asking him to stop by and help me move a piece of furniture a few days before STBXW even gave me this "report".

I've commented "great photo" and one other quick comment on his FB wall, that ended with "how are you?" Nothing.

So I am comfortable for now in not pursuing further. He has basically 4 messages from me. And he will re-establish contact when he's ready, which I hope is not much longer.

The Four Agreements:
I was impeccable with my words - I think - in the succinct, sincere message I left him.
I'm not taking it personally since I have no idea what it is (aside from one of his mother's usually less-than-truthful reports)
I'm not making any assumptions. Even the fact that we seemed to have a typically fun day that day and he asked to come along when StepD's partner drove me to the train (with typical, big hug & ILY) is an observation, not an assumption.
Always do your best Trying. Trying.

Well off to bed. House is being shown @ 10:00 and I don't need a repeat of today's showing!

[Gardener]

Okay, Gnosis, I'm back. Later than promised, but back. I'm going to refrain from quoting lest this post become a Gardener-quoting-Gnosis-quoting-Gardener-quoting-brknheart post

1) I did not word this correctly. Correct version: My STBXW is clearly not ever coming back and I will be better off without her. I'll admit to once or twice acknowledging the curious (to me) fact that there is a Divorced But Not Done Forum, though.

2)My believing that she will one day awaken to the fact that what she did (bail) was wrong and that she destroyed a lot blended-family-wise does not mean I am "clinging to the hope of reconciliation."

3)Actually, I have changed my mind on this. Originally, I had planned that after I signed the 2nd (last) document -D or House sale - I would walk out get into my truck and go. Probably to S,33 in Colorado for a bit and then move to the Northwest. I now plan to rent an apt. or cottage and give myself a year to heal because a) I don't need the additional stressor of pulling up stakes so soon after this year's ordeals, and b) it began to feel a bit like running away. Our plan had been to do just that in '11 or '12 because we were sick of the NorthEast. It is my plan still. And in the original "move immediately" plan, I admit there was an element, the consideration, of "bumping into her" as in, "who needs that?"

4)Sorry, but I do have compassion for her. Period. And since that word is (justifiably and charitably) used a lot on this forum, I do sometimes temper it by adding its actual, dictionary definition: "Sympathetic pity". Also, Gnosis, I don't "torture" myself by having that compassion.

5)Describing my opinion of her current state and issues (confused, distraught, in pain, scared, has FOO issues) for me, comes under the heading of "and I cannot help her with these". Your "And the correct way to feel about this is: "No longer my problem" is not me. There's "detachment" and there's "heartless".

6)As far as suing MC goes, no. But I am taking other steps. Interesting that you brought this up, because I read a D strategy (I forget where and the reason for this) that advised one to announce, at first legal meeting that you are going to sue. Back at first mediator's session I announced that I was going to sue her IC, our MC and the organization that trained and certified MC in their
"philosophy" and my STBXW freaked out. Not going to go into that further, here.

7 and final) Re: my doing "the one thing she has repeatedly asked of me since February; "Just leave me alone". This I do. Your response/advice to "Leave her alone including in your thoughts." This I do as well. More and more each day. With neither effort nor even attempt to do so. Like the old bumper sticker said "Sh+t Happens," - Detachment Happens.

I misworded much in my response to brkheart. Regarding your resulting numerous caring questions and comments, what I've just written (phew!) is where I am.

Today, anyway.

[TrentC]

I'll admit to once or twice acknowledging the curious (to me) fact that there is a Divorced But Not Done Forum, though.

My parents were divorced for 10 months, and remarried. It's not unheard of.

[Gardener]

Trent,

I'll admit to once or twice acknowledging the curious (to me) fact that there is a Divorced But Not Done Forum, though.

My parents were divorced for 10 months, and remarried. It's not unheard of.

Oh, I know. I kind of put that in cautiously because as dire as a sitch can get (in mine the fat lady's warming up backstage), if you mention (futile) thoughts of reconciliation, no matter how far along in the process you are, someone's bound to come along and say with all good intention: "You're not detaaaached!"

[TrentC]

Oh, I know. I kind of put that in cautiously because as dire as a sitch can get (in mine the fat lady's warming up backstage), if you mention (futile) thoughts of reconciliation, no matter how far along in the process you are, someone's bound to come along and say with all good intention: "You're not detaaaached!"

Well, they were done. My father left my mother for another woman, and she had been moving on. But my father's little fantasy crumbled once it hit reality -- gee, that sounds familiar -- and he was lucky that my mother was willing to even speak to him again, let alone agree to start seeing him.

There was no DB'ing going on here, just a kindness of fate.

[givingitmyall]

Gardener,

I'm glad you brought this up. Present company (including Trent) excluded, I think this points out the fundamental misunderstanding a lot of folks here have with detachment. They incorrectly think detachment means indifference towards their spouse or a state of no emotions. And that's NOT detachment.

Detachment means you have gone to the worst case scenario in your mind, lived it, embraced it, smelled it and realized that you WILL be ok.

Detachment has very little to do with the state of one's emotions. I believe it is more a mental toughness from facing the cold, hard facts and never, ever giving up. Sound familiar? If not, look up the Stockdale paradox.

[rockedworld]

Detachment means you have gone to the worst case scenario in your mind, lived it, embraced it, smelled it and realized that you WILL be ok.

Thanks for this clarification GIMA...
Great way to put it!