I understand where you're coming from as the hurt party, but testing your ex, as mine, I think was testing me, has only made me feel as if I was losing my dignity.
Yeah, and as I've admitted and attempted to enlighten you on the vast of the male ego, his restoring dignity is telling him to watch his backside.
Also, and to answer your question as to why I'd personally be testing my XW: she has always thru out the whole A, S, D and now seems to think I will always be there to be her 'plan B' of sorts. I have told her numerous times I am not and will not, you made your bed, sleep in it. But, again, that is for my own personal situation which was definatley far more brutal than your XH's.
Hang in there, and keep strong. I have a good feeling for your situation so long asyou don't get needy, don't set expectations and let him do his thing when he wants and make yourself the kind of person he fell for once already.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Here's what I think, although I'm certainly no expert. Most men have very fragile emotions, and are hurt easily. So, we put on armor to protect ourselves. When we take that armor off for another person, as he did with you, it's because of trust the you won't hurt him. Hurt him, and the armor is going to slam back into place. And stay there for a long time. He's going to have to trust you again, and I think yes, he probably is testing you to find out just how far he feels he can trust you to not hurt him again.
I know that sounds simplistic, but there it is. You will have to prove yourself to him over and over. That being said, I do think from your posts that you are making progress along those lines. Just don't push for too much too soon; he's setting the pace here and you will need to live with that pace. Like dday said, don't set expectations and don't get needy or pushy. Just let it happen. You're heading in the right direction; don't let yourself get diverted.
Ron
M: 47 W: 50 D: 19 S: 16 Grandson: 21 months (now officially our son) Married: 10/2/89 Divorced: 7/31/09 XW moved back home 11/12 Re-married 5/25/10
Thank you both..I really look forward to your posts..They keep me going in the right direction. So.., do either of you have suggestions on what to do to stay on track during those "not so good days"? when my emotions get out of hand, I need to do something to keep myself from making set backs...I think if I just didn't talk with him that day, It might have passed and I wouldn't have opened my big mouth and inserted the foot! I didn't expect to talk with him that day and he just called about something related to our s..next thing you know..I'm telling him how i feel! ugh..
First off, on those "bad days", you're going to have to find a way to either curb those emotions all together (best case but not easy), or more practically, catch yourself before you get yourself in too deep. The last few time XW tried to push me and bait me, I started to go down that road with her, and then caught myself mid thought and said "hey, that's all in the past and is done and over with, no sense in going there anymore". Find your own technique, heck if you have to, spend time in front of the mirror or something and rehearse what to say or do. You'll find your own way on how to deal with it if you want things to continue to progress.
As far my sitch' goes: "the talk" never happened. So, whatever that is/was all about, not my concern. My concern right now is getting through the holidays as best as possible. And since I have the kids on Thursday and christmas day, it won't be anything to out of the ordinary, much like last year, so I already know what to expect and how to get through. I highly doubt my XW and I will be having any talk any time soon. She's in numerous violations of our parenting agreement and now marital settlement agreement and playing games with income taxes that were already settled IN COURT, so she's not the brightest bulb in the box and that's unfortunate, but if XW wants to play games like that, that's fine by me, I have my rear covered in every legal aspect. Otherwise, Xw and OM are apparently not getting along so well ever much these days, probably spurring the notion for this 'talk'. As sai, I'm not plan B.
But again, not my problem. I've been getting out and having fun and dabbling my feet inthe water now and then, even have a "date" on Saturday and am looking forward to having a blast, it's a concert by mine and XW's favorite local band and I've already seen them quite a few times and have gotten over the sting that XW made her choice not to enjoy these good times with me anymore. Too bad, somebody will.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Well, yes, practicing in front of the mirror sounds okay..it's not so much that we talk about the past, its that my emotional attachment to him is real and when he says he doesn't have one for me (and his actions say otherwise), I then feel I can't go on..and that's what gets me wondering how to keep going when he says it's one-sided emotion. Yet it feels like we're dating minus all the lovey dovey stuff.
It's nice to have the kids to focus on when we're without the other parent isn't it..and then you have a date Sat : ) That's great! I love to see bands, I'm a huge music fan! I know how music can strike an emotional cord sometimes, so I'm totally happy that you'll be moving on with someone that could appreciate and share that fun time with you : ) I also think it must be hard to go through a divorce that sounds like it's not over, with a lot of unsettled biz and nitpicking? going on..it must be difficult to even like the ex through all that! So good for you, enjoy the Holiday, Enjoy the meal (you cooking?) and then exercise your brains out for a week to shed all those excess calories ; ) ..Have fun on Sat!
its that my emotional attachment to him is real and when he says he doesn't have one for me (and his actions say otherwise),
This just solidifies why I tell you, the roles are reversed now, and he is in turn doing what you did to him, and probably for a variety of reasons. Seriously, take it for what it's worth, enjoy the good feelings you get and I guess it's time I start to remind you of the LBS motife (s/p): believe nothing they (WAS) says. Got it?
anyway, the "date" is nothing serious. I expect nothing out of it but some good socializing, maybe a little flirting after a few beers (as usual on both accords) but that's about where it stops. Neither of us are in any type of situation for anything binding, so, it's just all in good fun. For me, it's nice because I've been dealing with a on and off feeling of rejection lately and need to get over that.
Unsettled nitpicking? That's an understatement. Now it looks as if my darling XW is going to go so far as to flat out deny me my holiday visitation, yup, she's that petty and all I have done is bend over backwards to keep the peace with her. I simply don't understand her angst and anger so much to go and violate the rules and place herself in contemp of court, but, hey, that's not my problem to solve. And thus:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change......
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I can't add anything to what dday says. It's good advice; pretty easy to follow really just hard to remember when you NEED to follow it. If you spend enough time here on this site that may help to keep this stuff in the forefront of your thoughts, so the advice pops up when you need it.
And dday, sounds like if nothing else you have YOUR act together and maybe have a bit of the serenity you mentioned...
As for me, My XW has moved back home. We are in the process of adopting our grandson. We share a room. We are becoming more intimate but it hasn't "gone all the way" yet. We are taking cake decorating classes together. Basically we are starting to rebuild our relationship from the bottom up, trying to get a good foundation going. We're falling in love again! We've mentioned getting re-married but I think that will be a few months before I propose. Bottom line, life is good!
Wishing you both a Happy Thanksgiving; I got my bird soaking in the brine now, tonight I make the pies, and I can't wait for tomorrow!
Ron
M: 47 W: 50 D: 19 S: 16 Grandson: 21 months (now officially our son) Married: 10/2/89 Divorced: 7/31/09 XW moved back home 11/12 Re-married 5/25/10
Thank You RonD, : ) I will remember what you both have said and if I start to slip, maybe I should check in here before doing Anything stupid! I'm impressed Mr RonD...You make pies too? Awsome! I just made sausage stuffing, pumpkin pies, broccoli rabe, and cranberry tart sauce to take with us to the TG feast tommorow, they told us to bring our holiday traditions, so I did. Besides, cooking is relaxing.. Hope you both have a Fantastic, Memorable, Exciting Thanksgiving!!
