Long Journey .......... advice please

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

I am so sorry for so many of us here.....(((((Hugs))))).

Our STBXH's will one day realize the destruction that our D's have caused to the entire family. I do believe this and at some point they all will have time to reflect and feel the pain of their actions. I agree, most will be too proud to reverse their choice.

For us it's important right now to take the high road...be graceful and strong and rise above this madness and pain so that one day we can be whole again and live life happy. Let's consider our D's as new-found freedom. Freedom from the baggage our H's have brought upon us in recent years. Freedom from living under the control of our H's limbo. We are certainly very tired right now, but that too shall pass along with the pain.

YES, we will love our H's forever, but it will be a healthier love. It will be a love for who they were as they meant the world to us. The time for them to be with us has passed, the purpose of them in our lives has been fulfilled. It will be a love for our children they gave us and the joy they bring us everyday. We will be grateful for the time we had with our H's for many reasons. Time will heal us.

Cas, my opinion about your MIL's 70th birthday party is this:

I would not go to her 70th birthday. I understand the kids wanting you there, it is inappropriate to go given the certainty of a D from their son. Also you have been separated for a very long time, regardless of emotions....it will be awkward and uncomfortable for many. AND, you and H do not appear to be in a place where anything goes right now. Where seeing each other does not make either of you uncomfortable in some way.

I would make sure to contact her and wish her well and tell her you love her. I would send a gift along, but not with the kids. You said she lives interstate and from what I read it would not be convenient to deliver it in person. I would mail her gift in advance of her special day. She will understand and be appreciative you thought of her in a loving way.

I would have a chat with your S and D and explain that due to the impending D it would be best if you did not go and that they still need to be there for their grammie and father and family.

This is one of the hardest things to have to accept. I find it very difficult here being invited or left out. In the 4+ years of my separation, I have attended 2 in-law events, one Christmas and one 4th of July...both were within the first year of separation. I have declined as many invites as I have not received invites. I do not think of them as my family anymore.

We have Thanksgiving this Thursday, I am very sad, it is my 5th alone and S and I will spend the day at home in quiet. I am sure all the in-laws are gathering. It is sooooo hard.....

Take care Cas, my thoughts are with you everyday.....

Sanderika