Going Dark

[Katie]

So I have been going dark for the last month or so and it seems to be driving him away more. He always tells me I never talk to him and ignore him at home etc... What am I suppose to do? I am confused because he says he doesn't feel anything for me and he hasn't been 100% happy our whole marriage of 8 years. So what should my next step be I can't keep living like this.
Thanks

[TrentC]

So I have been going dark for the last month or so and it seems to be driving him away more. He always tells me I never talk to him and ignore him at home etc... What am I suppose to do?

Are you going dark, or are you just GALing?

If he wants to talk about the R, do so; just don't get sucked into pointless arguments or throwing blame around.

I am confused because he says he doesn't feel anything for me and he hasn't been 100% happy our whole marriage of 8 years.

It's not possible to be 100% happy all of the time. It's an unreasonable expectation of any relationship.

Besides, he says he "feels nothing" but he's unhappy that you are apparently ignoring him? Seems like a disconnect. So what happens if you give him a little bit of quality time? Does his mood improve?

[Katie]

I guess he does, we went to a movie on Sat and we didn't fight we just had light conversation and it was a nice change but I don't know if I would say his mood improved. He has asked me at least 2 times over the past few weeks if I am going to start the divorce process or should he? I have no idea what that means, because to me if I wanted so bad to get out I would do it myself and not even worry about asking the other person who should file, doesn't make sense to me. He is hard to figure out his mood changes daily. I can't take it much longer honestly.

[praying_in_GA]

As always, Trent is right. I found that GAL was the key. Be civil and happy around him, let him know life goes on without him, if he wants to talk then talk but be the one to end it. My H also said he wasn't happy and he didn't love me the whole marriage. I found that the harder I pushed and chased, the more negative and expansive his comments became.

Get out there and make yourself happy.

[TrentC]

He has asked me at least 2 times over the past few weeks if I am going to start the divorce process or should he?

Hell, no. It's his decision, let him do all the work.

Your response should be "I agree that this relationship is not working. However, I am willing to work on it to make it better. If you want to file for divorce, go ahead."

I have no idea what that means, because to me if I wanted so bad to get out I would do it myself and not even worry about asking the other person who should file, doesn't make sense to me.

Because he's not sure what he wants. As you said, if he wants out so badly, he would have filed already; so he's not 100% committed to leaving, which gives you space to work.

He is hard to figure out his mood changes daily.

You can't. It's a waste of time. He doesn't know how he feels, so there's no way for you to figure it out. If he's nice, take it for the small comfort that it is and no more. If he's unhappy, don't let it get to you.

I can't take it much longer honestly.

If you really want to save your marriage, you don't have much of a choice. And I say that as a person for whom patience is a huge stumbling block.

The important thing is to get enough changes in your life going to get him to seriously reconsider the divorce. Once that happens, you work on sorting out your feelings and getting counseling.