You're getting great advice from good and wise people who share bond of suffering we are all going through.
Along with their advice and your own choices, remember to be patient with this. It took awhile for your sitch to get to this point and it will take awhile to resolve, no matter which way it goes.
Detaching is about me, not him, hmmm? Will work on this.
At this point I am still so wrapped in the mix of pain, anxiety, yes and too much alcohol, that I am lacking the discipline to stay focused and read and learn.
I hope this Tgiving week, with my dad and sister around, that we will make some time for AV to sit--and be quiet--and read--and reflect. Learn.
RE: texting to ask about the bar. It isn't to let him know where I am, but to try and feel safe about where he is. I know, that's splitting hairs. But I'm still operating out of the fear of "what if??"
Reflected today on the "I'm already dead. the worst has happened. So, really, what is there to lose?" It is tough, but it is an accurate representation of reality. I have lost him to OW; next steps are to rebuild my life. Right?
Since he never answered my text, and never got in touch re: paying the joint household bills, it seems we are in full NC mode. And that feels hard. At least before we had some contact around the house stuff.
And again--if NC--and I do all these great 180's which I understand intellectually, ast least, to be about ME and not about him--how do I ever show him that the reserved, holding back, not expressing feelings AV has changed? Without seeing how wonderful I am becoming, why would he ever think about leaving OW and re-trying with me?
I know these questions have been asked a million times by a million newbies...I continue to search the threads for answers.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
And again--if NC--and I do all these great 180's which I understand intellectually, ast least, to be about ME and not about him--how do I ever show him that the reserved, holding back, not expressing feelings AV has changed? Without seeing how wonderful I am becoming, why would he ever think about leaving OW and re-trying with me?
YOU don't show him anything. It is something HE has to see on his own. There will be opportunities where he will see you, and that's when you have to have your "A" game.
Keep working on detachment. It doesn't happen overnight. But, it will come. Probably when you aren't even trying.
Hang with your family over Thanksgiving.
Now, I'm NOT a holy roller on the drinking thing. Trust me, I enjoyed it all the way up to the bomb. At that point, I made a commitment to stop. Some b/c I thought I was drinking too much and some b/c I knew I needed clarity right now to deal with this challenge. And, it has given me the focus I needed. Again, I'm not preaching - just something to think about.
And again--if NC--and I do all these great 180's which I understand intellectually, ast least, to be about ME and not about him--how do I ever show him that the reserved, holding back, not expressing feelings AV has changed? Without seeing how wonderful I am becoming, why would he ever think about leaving OW and re-trying with me?
Why does everyone in these situations always discount the presence of third parties in your lives?
People hear stuff, AV -- especially when they have a vested interest in you. Put more simply? HE'LL KNOW. It will get back to him.
Why does everyone in these situations always discount the presence of third parties in your lives?
People hear stuff, AV -- especially when they have a vested interest in you. Put more simply? HE'LL KNOW. It will get back to him.
Puppy
And it will mean more to him if one of his male friends says "I ran into your wife yesterday, and she was looking pretty good! How are things working out between you two?" than anything you can "show" him.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Yes, it would be perfect if one of the male friends said exactly that.
But he is such a reserved, no talk about emotions guy--wow, hard to imagine one of the friends saying that.
I do think he is out of contact with the friends--much of our activity was sport-related, and as it isn't biking season or ski season yet, I "imagine" that he isn't seeing much of the gang. Most of the "hey,let's call so-and-so for a movie and dinner" was inititated by me (not unusual, I think). So I am not sure where/when he will get chatted to about me.
There are some male friends I could picture sending round to rough him up a bit, though...but talk about R and feelings??!
Puppy, I will trust your experience and wisdom that especially in a small town word gets around--I am trying to get out and about--will work on visualizing being strong if I see them together so I can handle that blow when it comes.
Otherwise I am hiding out too much. Have moved my post-office, bank, drug-store, food shopping errands to the town where I work. I am out with friends ALOT but it is in other towns.
Well, as I posted, I did go to "our" bar on Saturday and Sunday, so there's a couple of steps.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
Ay, but there's the rub. I am so strong, so independent--taking care to protect my heart from pain--so much so I created the situation I was trying to protect myself from.
I am working with the therapist on this, but you can see the conflict-- I need to be super strong, super independent, super taking care of myself right at the same time I want to develop, show, share, express, the vulnerable, open to love and possible hurt AV that I need to be, either in a new R with X or a new R at all.
So, trying to do all things at once: detach; open up; be strong; be willing to be vulnerable. Quite a mix!
Thanks for the cheering on!
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
I know Thanksgiving is a hard time for many of us. I have my Dad and sis here; we are painting the kitchen--it will brighten the place and more importantly, keep us busy.
But the panic and fear are notching up the past few days. No contact, nothing between us to shift or move--is this not a cheeseless tunnel? just more of the same--no email or contact since 11/9 when I sent a funny email story and he responded positively.
One big change--after the blow up paying the joint bills in October (When he finally expressed anger and said "you won!" re staying in house--is NC re paying the joint bills. Like he just checked out of doing that joint task that we had agreed would be part of our oh-so-agreeable separation. So I paid the bills alone in November. I find it frightening that he would leave the bills--and thus the house--to me. He is very particular about the bills--sort of an accountant at heart.
I don't take it that he trusts me to to do the bills---more that he either doesn't care, or can't bear the anger of having me in the house. More likely the latter.
Maybe building up a good head of anger about me staying in the house is a good thing? at least it would be an EMOTION towards me that he might eventually have to break down and talk about.
I'm sure the vacation time and winding down of work is adding to the panic-not sure how I will keep it together when I am on a long Xmas break.
Advice on cheeseless tunnels vs. going dark vs. keeping strong?
I hope everyone's turkey bastes perfectly and the gravy is lump-free!
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
[quote]Advice on cheeseless tunnels vs. going dark vs. keeping strong?/quote]
Cheeseless tunnel - thinking that protecting your heart from pain by being aloof, distant and reserved works. I know you are hurting now. Try something different.
Here is something I learned here. A true sign of strength is giving of yourself with no expectation. That's unconditional love, true giving and powerful. You can't give away won't you don't have. You have to temper that with healthy boundaries. Don't talk about being strong, live strong. You are a smart woman you can handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
