IMO (which means jack to other since its just mine, lol!) it is very easy to confuse the marriage problems prior to the bomb, one spouse leaving to what happens AFTER that.

All in all during our 10 year marriage my H was a good guy. We had tons in common and a ton of fun together. He always treated me well... brought me flowers once a week for ten years, was very sweet and romantic and generally just a "good dude". Lots of things happened to us in a very short time (illness, death, pay cuts) and he sort of fell apart and shut down but never let me know he was falling apart as he kept being the same "good dude" he always was.

Now I will stand up in Tiger Stadium in front of 100K plus people and openly admit every single mistake I made in the marriage. Because lets face it, we all made mistakes in our marriage that hurt the union even if we didn't mean to. We all had/have communication issues or past baggage to deal with that has nothing to do with our spouses.

BUT (and this is a big but) I think what makes things so terribly difficult is how cruel, underhanded and entitled the WAS becomes after the bomb. I mean, if you want out then make your choice but the cruelty is not necessary. And some of us have dealt with different levels of cruelty be it verbal, emotional, physical or any other terrible thing.

The confusion (I suppose on both ends) is overwhelming. One day my H is sending me flowers TWICE in a day and writing me a love letter telling me things that any woman would swoon from after 10 years of marriage and three days later he is telling me that I am ugly, not good enough, I don't look like I did when I was 24 (newsflash pal, neither do you) and other very mean things.

I know in the early stages of the bomb its hard to process all of this but after one, two or three years of it eventually you just have to say "shut the f*ck up". I am NOT ugly, I AM good enough and I look just fine at age 34 and if you don't think so then poo on you.

The WAS wants out then GET OUT but the prolonged meanness I will never understand. My H and I are legally separated, most of our administrative business is done and since I have family coming in from out of town this week for T-day we both agreed we will finish up the following week. All very calm and civil and things are going smoothly as far as getting things done. We had a few e-mail exchanges this morning about business matters (again, all calm and civil and polite) and despite being legally separated and me not giving him the time of day unless I have to he is still telling me "I can't be married anymore". Yes, all clear, 10-4 over and out. I have been hearing "I can't be married anymore" in EVERY exchange we have had, be it via the written word or verbal for 21 months. Frankly it gets old.

Maybe I am just different but some WAS are far more mean and cruel than other ones. And when you are on the receiving end of being told how stupid, ugly, worthless, not good enough for two years eventually you sort of snap inside and just say "leave me the f*uck alone if I am so repugnant to you". Then in the next breath he is wanting to come over to bring me MY house keys instead of just dropping them in the mail as I requested.

I am tired of being jerked around and I *thought* this legal separation agreement would end the jerking. But for now I have to deal with him as we take care of administrative stuff so I tolerate and ignore. It doesn't mean though that these continued jabs, cruelty and blame don't hurt because IMO they are wholly unnecessary. I just smile and act fabulous and on the rare occasion I do have to see him strut my stuff like I am a Victoria's Secret model but still... cruelty takes a toll and no matter how many boundaries you set and are honored jabs still do hurt. And what is the point of adding more hurt? I will never understand it. Ever.

And after all that he ends the messages with "have a good day!" like nothing was said. I sometimes wonder if I am the crazy one. I mean I know I am part crazy (I am from the South after all smile but I know I can't be *that* crazy. Right?