can pursuing a WAS be a 180?

[avermont]

Detaching is about me, not him, hmmm? Will work on this.

At this point I am still so wrapped in the mix of pain, anxiety, yes and too much alcohol, that I am lacking the discipline to stay focused and read and learn.

I hope this Tgiving week, with my dad and sister around, that we will make some time for AV to sit--and be quiet--and read--and reflect. Learn.

RE: texting to ask about the bar. It isn't to let him know where I am, but to try and feel safe about where he is. I know, that's splitting hairs. But I'm still operating out of the fear of "what if??"

Reflected today on the "I'm already dead. the worst has happened. So, really, what is there to lose?" It is tough, but it is an accurate representation of reality. I have lost him to OW; next steps are to rebuild my life. Right?

Since he never answered my text, and never got in touch re: paying the joint household bills, it seems we are in full NC mode. And that feels hard. At least before we had some contact around the house stuff.

And again--if NC--and I do all these great 180's which I understand intellectually, ast least, to be about ME and not about him--how do I ever show him that the reserved, holding back, not expressing feelings AV has changed? Without seeing how wonderful I am becoming, why would he ever think about leaving OW and re-trying with me?

I know these questions have been asked a million times by a million newbies...I continue to search the threads for answers.