You need to do no actions out of fear. Just do the right thing in each case as you've generally been doing. I agree with everything Puppy has said to you. Think tough love, in fact I read a book Love must be tough which I kind of liked, the theories behind it and 90% of it, but only recommend that if you are religious as it is very much so.
You need to focus on yourself and your kids. Support here is good and I think you should keep up the alanon, esp. if you can find a good meeting where you like the people. IC is a good thing if you have a good counselor.
Detaching. There are many good posts on that here in this section. There is a wonderful post on detachment which may be a couple pages back, but has tons of good advice on it. The things which have helped me most are: time, focusing on me and the kids & not worrying about the reactions or actions of the WAS, and GALing. What kind of GALing are you doing?
I know you are worried about getting served, and it's not a good thing to go through, but things get better after that. Divorces do not happen instantly, mine is going to be about 18 months, so you have time. I also think things are not going to go well for your W if she continues this. Reality will be a good thing for her.
