She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Then I said, that what ever happened, things would have to be very different. It's not acceptable to me for you to put the kids in the middle by talking about me to D17, or having the kids move your stuff out of the room. She protested, and I said D17 told me she told you it wasn't cool.

So, you told her it wasn't acceptable to put your daughter in the middle, by telling her that your daughter told you that it wasn't cool? (thereby putting her in the middle) ????

Other than pointing that out, Awoken, I'm in complete agreement with what Karen posted. Your wife seems to be calling all the shots here, which is NEVER a healthy balance of power in a relationship, but considering all of her serious issues right now, is triply troubling to me. When my wife threatened me with divorce for the one-too-many'th time, I went ahead and filed myself, first, which dramatically changed the dynamic.

Puppy

[Awoken]

So, you told her it wasn't acceptable to put your daughter in the middle, by telling her that your daughter told you that it wasn't cool? (thereby putting her in the middle) ????

wow; thanks for this 2x4. I really needed it. I made a big mistake, and it's why I need to stop really get a grip and limit all conversation with my W.

Other than pointing that out, Awoken, I'm in complete agreement with what Karen posted. Your wife seems to be calling all the shots here, which is NEVER a healthy balance of power in a relationship, but considering all of her serious issues right now, is triply troubling to me. When my wife threatened me with divorce for the one-too-many'th time, I went ahead and filed myself, first, which dramatically changed the dynamic.
Puppy

I do feel powerless. Although she is ticked off that I moved back into the master bedroom, that I separated our finances, that I've been making changes (too late she says). Most of these were at your urging, so thanks yet again. I read every word you type me; many times over.

[Awoken]

I'm off this morning for IC with MC, then hopefully talk to my lawyer. Last night after everyone was asleep, I counted the cash W returned. Looks like a little over $1000 is still missing; just as well. W snapped at S13 last night, and he threw a small fit throwing some things in his room but quickly calmed down and started facebooking. I checked my facebook just to see how he listed his status (he knows we check). I hardly use FB, and use it mainly for kids. I discovered that I am no longer "married" to W on FB. sigh, of course she's long gone. Little things keep surprising me.

The more I think about it, she only told me she had seen a lawyer, but not when. I think it's very possible she went weeks ago, and she still might serve me today.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm off this morning for IC with MC, then hopefully talk to my lawyer. Last night after everyone was asleep, I counted the cash W returned. Looks like a little over $1000 is still missing; just as well. W snapped at S13 last night, and he threw a small fit throwing some things in his room but quickly calmed down and started facebooking. I checked my facebook just to see how he listed his status (he knows we check). I hardly use FB, and use it mainly for kids. I discovered that I am no longer "married" to W on FB. sigh, of course she's long gone. Little things keep surprising me.

The more I think about it, she only told me she had seen a lawyer, but not when. I think it's very possible she went weeks ago, and she still might serve me today.

"Just as well"???

Awoken,

You may want to remind your wife thusly:

"Wife, I counted the cash that you returned, and it would appear that there is $1,000 unaccounted for. You DO realize that every dollar of our lives is going to have to be fully disclosed in a detailed financial affadavit as part of any legal proceeding, right?"

I think your efforts might be better focused on protecting your family's assets, than on checking the two lovebirds' Facebook pages.

Just sayin'.

Puppy

[Awoken]

"Just as well"???

Awoken,

You may want to remind your wife thusly:

"Wife, I counted the cash that you returned, and it would appear that there is $1,000 unaccounted for. You DO realize that every dollar of our lives is going to have to be fully disclosed in a detailed financial affadavit as part of any legal proceeding, right?"

Puppy

ok; she knows I can't prove the amount of cash. But I need to stop acting out of fear. I should have just checked it right when she told me she had returned it. I am acting powerless like you said. She'll be home this evening and I can revisit it.

I think your efforts might be better focused on protecting your family's assets, than on checking the two lovebirds' Facebook pages.

Just sayin'.
Puppy

I get you. I haven't looked at W's page in a while or even this time, and have just put it out of my mind. This was just my page and S13. I assume by lovebirds you mean OM. I don't even know if OM is on facebook.

Honestly my mind IS all over the place, and I have been journaling some of this stuff here just to try to get my problem thoughts OUT of the way. I'm trying to detach. Maybe even posting it is distracting me? I took two days away from the boards and had the worse days. That could be coincidence.

[karen43]

You need to do no actions out of fear. Just do the right thing in each case as you've generally been doing. I agree with everything Puppy has said to you. Think tough love, in fact I read a book Love must be tough which I kind of liked, the theories behind it and 90% of it, but only recommend that if you are religious as it is very much so.

You need to focus on yourself and your kids. Support here is good and I think you should keep up the alanon, esp. if you can find a good meeting where you like the people. IC is a good thing if you have a good counselor.

Detaching. There are many good posts on that here in this section. There is a wonderful post on detachment which may be a couple pages back, but has tons of good advice on it. The things which have helped me most are: time, focusing on me and the kids & not worrying about the reactions or actions of the WAS, and GALing. What kind of GALing are you doing?

I know you are worried about getting served, and it's not a good thing to go through, but things get better after that. Divorces do not happen instantly, mine is going to be about 18 months, so you have time. I also think things are not going to go well for your W if she continues this. Reality will be a good thing for her.

[CityGirl]

So you get served today. Its part of the process which I will admit (at least for me) is humiliating and was a bit scary. I had some GIANT man banging on my door at 8:30am who I did not even recognize. It was like something out of a movie - he asked me my name and since I had no clue these papers were coming and I didn't know this man I was scared. He was at least four times my size and then shouted in my face "consider yourself served". But he was just doing his job although I am not sure why he had to be so jerky about it. Once you get those papers though do your research and use the position of power you are in when you find out who you are up against.

I know all states differ but a divorce doesn't happen overnight. I know some states have a more rapid process than others but I doubt *any* state has a "24 hour divorce service". Plus, with Thanksgiving being this week attnys/the courts wont be working a full week.

If it happens, it happens. Feel what you need to feel then move on to a plan that is good for YOU.

[Awoken]

Karen,
thank you so much for another detailed reply;

I'll get the book on tough love. I am religious, but W has become very anti-religion over the past 6 years. I've been thinking about returning to church as part of GAL, and fearful it would quicken D. I now see that's the wrong way to think of it. I'll look up the book. When this all started, D13 started going to school early to participate in a christian athletes group, and has expressed some interest so I can take him with me.

I've been to three alanon meetings so far. two were good, one was me and four women! The men's group on sat was overwhelming with 50+ men, but it's the best schedule for me. All I've done is listen so far. I need to connect with a sponsor. My MC is serving as IC, and I like her.

What kind of GALing are you doing?

I think I've been spending too much time on the "problems" on not on GAL. Still here's what I've done so far. I'm thinking this is more self-work than GAL.
1) I started putting all kids stuff before work. I had been working all the time, in my mind to meet W's needs. Now I don't see the point and I want to be at more of kids events. Costs us money, but doesn't matter to me now.
2) Changed diet: no more eating out; make my own breakfast and lunch.
3) Stopped drinking Coke (been wanting to do this for a while), drinking one glass of coke zero in the morning to help with the caffeine withdrawal.
4) started walking everyday. I've lost 20 pounds.
5) stared reading again instead of watching tv. used to read eveynight.
6) I've been disconnected with my own family. I reconnected with my closest sister. It's a shame it's over this crisis, but she is a rock. I'm having the entire family over for thanksgiving.
7) I've been trying to go out on weekends with friends, but this one is hard. I end up going out by myself, as all of my friends are working on weekend nights.

I'm a musician, all of my friends are musicians. I think I need to find some non-musician friends! Usually I would gig on weekends. The irony is a couple of years ago, I stopped doing most weekend gigs so that I could spend even more time with family, and that's when W started distancing more.

[Awoken]

So you get served today.
...
If it happens, it happens. Feel what you need to feel then move on to a plan that is good for YOU.

Thanks CG, hearing what you went through actually helps a lot. I can handle this if I just stay calm and don't act with fear.

[Awoken]

Just returned from meeting with MC/IC. She had some useful things to say. I told her about feeling awful about me putting D17 in the middle in my conversation with W. She agreed it was a big mistake, and suggested explain and apologize to D17. It was good advice. I just talked to D17. I told her that I had mentioned her to mom, that I had made a mistake and it wouldn't happen again. She was really appreciative, and said that she thought something had happened because mom had already come to her and apologized herself. So hopefully this one thing didn't turn out awful.

Another thing, MC thinks the BPD is a tentative factor, the alcohol the most serious. She wants me and W to meet with her after thanksgiving to try to come to some terms about our direction (presumably D), since that seems where W is headed. This is because W canceled her appointment today and specifically requested we all meet together. I said I needed to see my lawyer first, and she agreed whole-heatedly. She also thinks I have a better chance of staying in the house, if W files instead of me. I know she's not a lawyer.

I have not been able to reach my lawyer today, and I'm assuming she is out for the holidays.