You guys have no idea how much it means to me to hear your words of support and appreciation. It is so uplifting!
Just so you don't think I am suddenly all sunshine and roses, I will continue to share the reality of the situation...
Last night I got home from girls' weekend. My H had cleaned the house, esp. the messy toy room (he stayed at my house with the kids since he lives with his parents).
He had also hung all the Christmas lights on the roof. (H: I know you said you were going to hire someone, but I was here...)
Now, newbie BBJ would have thought, "He is doing things around the house! He must want to come home...he is speaking his love language, acts of service!"
And honestly that crossed my mind for about 10 seconds. Then new (original?) BBJ piped in. "He is feeling guilty b/c he doesn't want you anymore"...
Either way I thanked him and he went on his way.
Remember, I forwarded him the email about the lawyers wanting to serve him this week?
He texted (seriously, texted??--insert eye-rolling smiley here since they don't have one!) at 10:30:
Well you don't need to serve me. I found a notary and will get it done tomorrow. I wish I could get back what I need to, to make it work and it frustrates the sh!t out me but I'm scared to death to try anymore or of what may happen. I truly am happy so happy 'you' are back. Its better for you and everyone you know and nurture.
I replied a little later, "Thank you for your honesty. I want a marriage where the one I love, loves me back. I know I will have that again, it just won't be with you".
Truth? I cried. A lot. Death of a dream and all that. But only for 15 minutes or so.
Because I know something I didn't know before. I am going to be okay. Better than okay. Because, now I know. And that is freeing, too. I am free to let someone, someday, love me with a great love that H was incapable/unwilling (doesn't really matter which) to give.
And of all things, I credit the cheesiest book for helping me bounce back. "He's Just Not That Into You". Yep. Bought it this weekend since it is a pretty 'light' read.
But it helped me see it. If he was really 'into' (committed, dedicated, etc.) me, he wouldn't have to keep trying to convince himself to have feelings for me. And I don't want a husband who has to 'sell' himself on the idea of loving me. No thank you. So even though it hurts, it hurt a little less. Because I spared myself the pain of trying to figure out why, or what happened, or dissecting his message to see if there was some hidden clue about how we were really going to get back together in there.
Bottom line, he is not 'all in'. Not even 'mostly in'. And so the details don't really matter.
Some lucky man out there just breathed a sigh of relief to know that when we finally do meet, I will be available.
OK, so back to last night. I was sad, but I accepted. I didn't 'rage against the dying of the light'. I just got in bed and prayed, "God, please hold me tonight because I need You." And I slept. Soundly.
