You got caught up in the moment....you have to work hard at reducing that. I do agree with your wife though, as much as you think you are focused on yourself....I don't really see it yet. You have made some positive steps and with time you will make all the necessary ones....keep your chin up.
Now is the time for the 2X4...stop talking about the situation with her family, her friends, her neighbors, even your kids. We have told you time and time again that it will come back to bite you. This weekend it bit you. If you have one good guy friend who isn't a mutual friend with your wife...confide in him. Everybody else gets the "I would rather not talk about this"...and that includes the kids. It is ok to listen to their thoughts on the matter, but you have to listen and not insert your own opinion.
Friends don't make battle lines, divorcing spouses create them. If you keep your mouth shut and don't mention the situation it works 100% for you. They don't report to her that you are talking about her and focused on the situation. They report that "Ayk didn't mention it at all and we talked about all kinds of different stuff, boy he is in a pretty good place". The choice is yours to make.
Next 2X4...stop telling her she needs help and a counselor...completely unproductive and damaging. Until she decides that she has a problem and seeks help.....every time you mention it only makes matters worse. That includes mentioning it to the children. Much like AA, the first step is an individual accepting there is a problem. Until then, anybody (not just you...anybody) mentioning that she should see a counselor is being hostile from her perspective.
