Rock the Freakin' Boat Already!

[courts0818]

Hi BobbiJo,

Wow! I just read your post and I have to say I'm very impressed with your outlook. I can relate to so much of what you wrote.

My H and I have been separated for 13 months. He's been out of the house that entire time. I often feel myself EXTREMELY sad and angry bc of everything, but it's the length of time that eats away at me. I fall into the victim trap - overwhelmed as to how he can do this to me and our DD. I'm often stressed about what he's doing and worried that he's never going to come home or work on our marriage.

Actually, I have good days - days where I'm focused on me and DD and I push the thoughts of him away. But, I still have way too many bad days where our R mess consumes me. It's like I do really well at 180s and GAL for a short time, then I fall back into the pit of sorrow, stress, worry, sadness and anger. I'm so tired of the bad days and the bad feelings. I want to make the choice to be happy and I really do try, but it's so hard to not fall into the trap of being overwhelmed. Know what I mean?

I feel like I could learn a lot from you. Would it be okay if I asked you some questions? I'm inspired that you've been going through this for 2 years, yet your attitude and outlook are positive.

I didn't stop myself from making plans bc I thought my H might want to spend time with me - he made it clear he wasn't interested. He told me he didn't want to do things together and "lead me on." BUT...I did find myself sitting around, right where he left me. Ugh! I guess I just didn't feel up to doing things and/or I didn't feel like explaining to friends/neighbors what was going on with us. I got tired of hearing, "Where's ____?" I have gotten much better about doing things though.

And when I look back on everything, we actually have had some good times through all of this. For example, this summer we participated in a golf outing together, we had fun times in our pool with our DD. It's crazy how I've gotten so wrapped up with everything, that I fail to see good things. But the truth is, there have been many more bad times, than good. So like you, I want to take back the reins! But I'm kinda stuck on how to do it.

Your "rock the boat/shake things up" attitude...how did you come to this? How did you push past the pain and choose this outlook? I can choose this outlook, but how do I stick with it?

And may I ask about the bounaries you set? What are they? How do you enforce them? Are they helping?

I often wonder how I look to my H. Do I look like a push over? Do I look pathetic? Uunattractive? Like a doormat? Too dependent? I just don't know. I've been leaving when he comes over to visit DD. I recently took a trip without him to NY to visit my BFF and I have been doing more things, but I had a bad weekend last weekend and acted a bit like a psycho - trying to make him jealous and stuff. Ugh again!

What was your H crying about? The fact that you filed? I found it interesting that your H said he didn't recognize you before he left. Hmmm...you know he was having an A that he kept denying, right? Well jeez how in the h*ll would anyone act?
BTW, how did you confirm the A? I've been suspicious of my H since he moved out, but he denies it. But, I've seen his cell bill with OW's number and I've seen her name in his email contacts. I need help getting horrible thoughts about OW out of my head.

Like you, I'm tired of being sad. I wonder if the way I carry myself also shows my H that I have no faith in myself to thrive without him. Yuck...that's not the way I want to be perceived.

And I totally relate to the stuff you said about filing. I don't want to do it bc I really don't want a divorce. He's the one that walked away so I feel like he should be the one to file. But you hit the nail on the head - he's too comfy living in his world - not married, not divorced, not feeling the ramifications of either. How do I finally rock his world? Enough is enough.

Did you file for a legal separation or a divorce?

It might sound corny, but I am proud of you for taking back the reins and working to become an even better you. I so want to do the same. I love the little traditions you've created - Tues. night - game night, Friday night - movie night. I'm going to follow that and do things like that with my DD. I'm a total planner and having things organzied and planned out like that will keep me on track - keeping me focused on good things.

I often fall into the trap of setting certain expectations and when they are not met, I'm totally disappointed. Gotta get over that too.

Personally, I don't think I feel right about dating. BUT...I agree with you. It would be more about feeling desirable again. Like WOW...someone out there would really want to be with me.

IDK...I just found your story and your attitude very uplifting. Best of luck with everything! : )

[BobbiJo]

Thanks for the compliments!

I am in the hotel business center winding up my first ever "girls' weekend" adventure. So not time to answer all your ??s.

I will say, I filed for D, not separation. We are already separated after all! I wasn't willing to drag it out with incremental steps. His affair and moving out (twice!) pretty much WAS him ending our M...

That is why I filed. I finally accepted the fact that he had ended our marriage by repeatedly sleeping with another woman for 2 1/2 years. That is not an "oops!" like a one-night stand or something. That is calculated and delilberate.

Every time he was alone with her it was a conscious decision to betray me, our marriage, and our family.

I mean, maybe at first it was an inappropriate friendship that turned into a PA, but once it happened, it happened. And to continue with it through separating, reuniting, and separating again?? That is not the actions of a man who loves his wife, even if he says he will always love me.

How did I get where I am now?

1)My pastor's guidance

2)My faith in God

3)Cymbalta I am sure it has helped some with overthinking everything. My neurologist gave it to me for occipital neuralgia (shooting head pains I was having), but it is also an anti-anxiety medication

4)My original personality is one of playfullness and optimism and I was really missing it...

5)Time--I repeat it a lot, but it is true. You are only ready when you are ready. I guess one day I woke up ready

6)Facebook--silly, maybe! But reconnecting the past few months with friends from college (male and female) reminded me that BBJ was a fun, happy girl with a ton of friends. And I kissed a lot of boys in college. Reminded me that I am desirable!

7)Match.com--still have only had one date and there are some frightening prospects on there! But just browsing, and getting emails and 'winks', is another PMA booster. That a lot of 'nice' guys would consider me a great catch!

8)DB--the support I have had here is indescribable. I have known about a dozen of these people for 2 years now! To have people 'get' what you are experiencing is so wonderful


OK gotta go now, people are waiting for computers! I will re-read and post more later.

[Tomato]

sis,

you are a sensational work of the Lord. your priorities are well lined up and you are an inspiration to me and a whole host of others. you exude your God-given strength at every turn and what He is allowing you to accomplish is truly amazing.

You are strengthening many on here.

I thank you for who you are and what you stand for.

Continued peace and prayers as always.

T

[Gardener]

sis,
you are a sensational work of the Lord. your priorities are well lined up and you are an inspiration to me and a whole host of others. you exude your God-given strength at every turn and what He is allowing you to accomplish is truly amazing. You are strengthening many on here.

True.

[bonnyh]

Hi

Thanks so much for this inspirational and positive thread.

It's helped immensely. I've looked at you sitch and it's made me realise that I've come a lot further than I thought.

Yah I'm with you, still got to file though.

Thanks once again

[BobbiJo]

You guys have no idea how much it means to me to hear your words of support and appreciation. It is so uplifting!

Just so you don't think I am suddenly all sunshine and roses, I will continue to share the reality of the situation...

Last night I got home from girls' weekend. My H had cleaned the house, esp. the messy toy room (he stayed at my house with the kids since he lives with his parents).

He had also hung all the Christmas lights on the roof. (H: I know you said you were going to hire someone, but I was here...)

Now, newbie BBJ would have thought, "He is doing things around the house! He must want to come home...he is speaking his love language, acts of service!"

And honestly that crossed my mind for about 10 seconds. Then new (original?) BBJ piped in. "He is feeling guilty b/c he doesn't want you anymore"...

Either way I thanked him and he went on his way.

Remember, I forwarded him the email about the lawyers wanting to serve him this week?

He texted (seriously, texted??--insert eye-rolling smiley here since they don't have one!) at 10:30:

Well you don't need to serve me. I found a notary and will get it done tomorrow. I wish I could get back what I need to, to make it work and it frustrates the sh!t out me but I'm scared to death to try anymore or of what may happen. I truly am happy so happy 'you' are back. Its better for you and everyone you know and nurture.

I replied a little later, "Thank you for your honesty. I want a marriage where the one I love, loves me back. I know I will have that again, it just won't be with you".

Truth? I cried. A lot. Death of a dream and all that. But only for 15 minutes or so.

Because I know something I didn't know before. I am going to be okay. Better than okay. Because, now I know. And that is freeing, too. I am free to let someone, someday, love me with a great love that H was incapable/unwilling (doesn't really matter which) to give.

And of all things, I credit the cheesiest book for helping me bounce back. "He's Just Not That Into You". Yep. Bought it this weekend since it is a pretty 'light' read.

But it helped me see it. If he was really 'into' (committed, dedicated, etc.) me, he wouldn't have to keep trying to convince himself to have feelings for me. And I don't want a husband who has to 'sell' himself on the idea of loving me. No thank you.
So even though it hurts, it hurt a little less. Because I spared myself the pain of trying to figure out why, or what happened, or dissecting his message to see if there was some hidden clue about how we were really going to get back together in there.

Bottom line, he is not 'all in'. Not even 'mostly in'. And so the details don't really matter.

Some lucky man out there just breathed a sigh of relief to know that when we finally do meet, I will be available.

OK, so back to last night. I was sad, but I accepted. I didn't 'rage against the dying of the light'. I just got in bed and prayed, "God, please hold me tonight because I need You." And I slept. Soundly.

[Trixi]

BBJ you are an inspiration. Sharing the ups and the downs of your journey takes great strength and I so appreciate it.
I understand how hard it is to drop the dream, because I finally had to do that with my H last night.

I felt a little bit irritated at Dan's text about "how happy he is for you". Must be the cynic in me coming out. Feels like someone just trying to be 'the good guy' and 'evolved' and frankly, he doesn't strike me as being all that 'evolved' at this point.

Anyway, thanks again for sharing; You WILL be loved whole heartedly by a man with integrity. Integrity appears to be the missing component for so many WAS. But it's probably the single most important thing to make a marriage work.
Blessings!

[hhh]

"Some lucky man out there just breathed a sigh of relief to know that when we finally do meet, I will be available."

BBJ - I love just this quote! I think a few of us LBS should make this our new mantra. Thank you again. So glad you had a wonderful weekend w your girlfriends...there is nothing like girlfriends (and I surprise myself by sometimes thinking 'who needs a man? friends are the best!)

Enjoy your holidays and your family...there is so much good in store for you ahead!
-hhh

[Tomato]

I just got in bed and prayed, "God, please hold me tonight because I need You." And I slept. Soundly.

Oh, the simplicity of the truest Love you will ever find. His model is exceeded by nothing. Keep living it sis!

[Gardener]

"Some lucky man out there just breathed a sigh of relief to know that when we finally do meet, I will be available."
BBJ - I love just this quote! I think a few of us LBS should make this our new mantra. Thank you again.

Ditto. Great quote.

Like I've posted more than once, these forums are filled with decent, loving men and women who believe in the institution, sanctity, and vows of marriage. We selflessly and sincerely do our level best to comfort and help complete strangers here. We work untiringly, against all odds, persevering to make ourselves better people and spouses and to create new, better, more honest and intimate relationships and marriages.
When those efforts fail - and we all know they can and do - well...
We should be dating each other!