H calls me to see what's going on and then tells me he needs to go to the dr.s for his shoulder/chest. I said its probably from spraying, and he says to "its my chest, didn't you hear what I said" I need to go to the dr. I said, all im saying is maybe you pulled something... he says "Don't tell me what is wrong, its my chest area" (this all was yelling at me). I said stop yelling at me, im not going to deal with it. he says he's not yelling he's telling me... UGGGGGG.. I just hung up and shut my phone off.
God give me strength to to deal with his behavior..
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I get the impression that your H might be intimidated by you, and that his callous treatment of you, especially the condescension, is really his immature way of trying to elevate himself above his spouse -- to prove to himself and others he's "wearing the pants". From what you describe, I think he's got an inferiority complex and he feels it necessary to feel he's the king of his roost at least. It's that male respect thing again -- and unfortunately too many men don't handle that very well.
The birthday party thing is maddening, I agree -- it sounds so schizophrenic -- and yet it somehow dovetails with all his other behavior, oddly, and is thus not that surprising. Odd, but not that surprising. I suspect your H was acting somewhat passive-aggressively in that regard -- he wants to be of help to someone (his heart is in the right place), but he's (maybe) protesting something about you, either consciously or unconsciously?
There's some form of impasse here that I can't quite put my finger on.
I can say that, on so many levels, the both of you are struggling with proper boundaries in your MR. The friction and aggravation each of you feel toward each other obviously stem from this. (I recommend the book/series Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I only wish I had read this during my M instead of after it was too late.)
Hi yoyo....nc, your words are just about right on.
Wkend was good. H was home by late late Friday night. Sat. was S3's bday party. Everyone had a good time. H was more helpful, since I did say something to him to the effect that he is the father and should be helping out with his son's party as much as me. So he did help, thankfully.
Sunday we went down to see his grandmother who is very old and just had surgery. I took the boys to the beach there and they collected shells.. they had a good time...
Then H springs on me that he wants another baby! Yup, can you believe it. I said first of all, your not home enought, secondly we have our owns issues that haven't been resolved thirdly, most of the time I am like a single parent, and I think im too old.
To tell you the truth, I would set aside all of that, IF we had a better relationship. If we did then I would consider it, even though I know the responsibility would ultimately fall on my shoulders, but I have to go back and remember what he does to me and how he treats me when things aren't good, and it brings me the answer NO!
It blows my mind... I did also tell him that, you complain now that you don't get enough attention from me, what do you think another kid would do???
I don't get it.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I'd look at it as the glass is half full here, Irish.
You said yourself that he has felt he has gotten less attention with the two children you already have, so ask yourself, why would he want to introduce yet another competitor for your affections? Perhaps because he sees that as something you enjoy and that you value. It is obvious that you enjoy being a mother, embrace the job of motherhood -- so maybe he wants to offer something to make you happy?
I'm not saying he is thinking this through rationally, but that he is looking for something to put you at ease, something to encourage peace between the two of you. Maybe? I'd see it as a gesture (bone-headed as this particular attempt might be) to try to bring the two of you closer together. (Or at least that's what I would think, anyways.) Perhaps subconsciously he has decided he would rather trade yet a little more time taken away from you in exchange for more positive time with you when he does have you. KWIM?
He's obviously very awkward at these motions, isn't he?
Nc~ Now I know why you are such a great friend. You give such perspective on things, thoughtful ones.
I would have never looked at it this way. I don't know if its true, because he's has always wanted a girl.. mind you and keep reminding him there is no crystal ball saying that the baby would be a girl.. but anyways, my mind is pretty much made up that I just don't want to have any more kids.
Yes I have to admit that I go through periods of wanting a girl, someone who may look like me and someone I could be friends with when I got older... and I get sad about it. But that is no reason to have another child, its just a purely selfish reason.
Anyways, Happy Birthday to my boy who is now 4 today.. time goes so fast.. I wish they stayed smaller just a little longer!
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Heyyyy!!! Happy Birthday to (now) S4. Big coincidence there, my own S4 turns 5 today -- he's now S5!
(Yes, they do grow up too fast -- It seems only yesterday that xW and I were in the hospital awaiting the birth of our youngest. And he would arrive at 8:10 that evening. My, how things have changed!)
