Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

I don't think I'll get any special credit from her for doing it, but then I don't really expect to. She watches them by herself when I go out of town - for work, or for example when I went backpacking last summer. I expect to do the same if she needs to go out of town. No big deal.

[Gardener]

Thinker,

Not much happening in this sitch. W is away with MIL, returning tomorrow. Boys and I had a great (and very busy) weekend - family party friday pm, Hiking on saturday, followed by a birthday party, church followed by a cub scout hike, then basketball today.

Whew!

I read IOK/YOK years ago and will probably put that one the old list, too*
Sounds like "a bit on edge" would be an expected feeling this evening.

Have a good week
*Whoever came up with that tee shirt that says "So Many Books, So Little Time"
must have been a DBer.

[orangedog]

So many books...I've got a unread stack but I keep going to the bookstore. Sigh...

I read "Games People Play" a long time ago. Oldies but goodies.

Caution! I can see that Thinker engineering brain at work...If A then B... I think it holds true for many men too. Remember all these are just models for understanding. It's tempting to view these and think, "Eureka! Now I'll understand everything from now on!". Remember we're all so much more complex than these models can ever hope to explain completely. Love, listening, patience, understanding, compassion...you can't go wrong.


While you're browsing in the psy section...

"Thoughts without a thinker" by Mark Epstein (an East meets West thing - both my psys are into Zen thus I was recommended this twice). I thought I'd also mention because it has your name in the title.

K. Dabrowski's theory of Positive Disintegration is also a very interesting view on personality development, the normalcy of anxiety, and getting stuck in life. Sadly, his publications are way out of print. About the best you can do is read some summaries on wikipedia and other sites.

Stay strong.

[Thinker]

I finished IOKYOK.

I skimmed the last half, which was really superfluous to the point.

He introduces 4 key points during the first half:

• the concept of the basic life positions (I'm not OK, You're OK - vs - I'm OK, You're OK)
• the concept of the 3 conflicting parts of a persons personality (Parent, Adult, Child)
• the concept of analyzing transactions between people in terms of which part of each personality is interacting with which part of the other persons personality.
• the concept of "Games" - repeated self re-enforcing transactions which prevent real growth or intimacy.

unfortunately, after introducing them, he goes into the myriad of ways that the concepts can be used (from helping individuals, to helping parents, to helping understand world politics ) rather than getting into useful levels of detail.

I think the most useful part is that it provides a language for understanding how it is that your parent (rigid, judgmental, better than others) or your child (hurt, emotional, insecure) can get inappropriately hooked and pulled into an interaction - causing problems through "crossed transactions"

My recommendation: worthwhile read, understand the basics, skip/skim the 2nd half of the book.

[Thinker]

Love, listening, patience, understanding, compassion...you can't go wrong.

The trick is in using the books as a model for understanding yourself, while refraining from using them as a way to diagnose (and therefore condemn) others.

[Gardener]

O'D,

Caution! I can see that Thinker engineering brain at work...If A then B... I think it holds true for many men too. Remember all these are just models for understanding. It's tempting to view these and think, "Eureka! Now I'll understand everything from now on!".

I hear you. My approach to books, seminars, etc., has always been, "well, if I pick up one or two applicable "nuggets" from this, it'll be worth it."

Remember we're all so much more complex than these models can ever hope to explain completely. Love, listening, patience, understanding, compassion...you can't go wrong.

Amen.

[d1adsl5a]

Believe me coach, I saw all the red flags. I have confronted her 6 times over regarding an affair. It was deny, deny, deny. I would be in shock if she truly did have a physical affair. Why? Then I never really knew her all these years. I stopped snooping for the most part. I just find that when I do, that burning sensation in your stomach lasts for at least a week until it subsides. I suppose I feel if she did, then there is nothing I can do about it. I do know that she had an emotional affair and she has admitted that. I guess I will never know if she took it all the way. I guess it is better maybe that I don't know. She is the one that has to deal with all that guilt, not me.

I can go to my grave with a clean conscience. I can handle it coach. I do look forward to the days when I can find someone to share my life with again. That will come in time.

I just still hate her for the pain my sons will go through and how they will hurt for years. I hate her for never really trying after the bomb dropped. Or for never really talking about her feelings years ago. I have called her a coward and she agress that she was a coward by not speaking up.

Thinker has more patience than me. I just want to get this done so I can start over again with my sons. I am looking into buying her out of our house. Could be an expensive plan, but I may be able to do it. Having a plan does make things better for me.

[Thinker]

An EA [b]is[/] an A. It has the same impact on your R - just without some of the physical ramifications.

A wayward spouse will ALWAYS deny an A. When confronted with evidence, he/she will admit to only the level of involvement that is expressly implicated by the evidence.

D1, it is not patience. Believe me, I have been in a similar state as you seem to be at several points during my sitch, and may be again in the future.

[Thinker]

So Mrs. T is back at home and GRUMPY,

I realize that she is miserable about the situation with her mom, although she doesn't talk about it.

I also know that she is not happy with our MR, although she doesn't talk about that either.

We didn't interact all that much last night, but this morning she was in a FUNK, lashing out at everyone - angry because we didn't have any bread, lashing out at the boys because they hadn't gotten themselves dressed, snapping at me because the waffles she was cooking burned, etc. I finally pulled her aside and said "Knock it off! Seriously!". She calmed down a bit, after that but is still not a happy camper.

I trying to walk a difficult line between being understanding and realizing that she is in pain from her mom's sitch, and maintaining my distance and the boundaries I have up due to our M sitch.

Her being home enables me to focus on my work a bit (which was really suffering over the past 6 days), but the home was definitely more relaxed when it was just me.

[givingitmyall]

Hang in there. With Thanksgiving, as well as your MIL's health, I doubt that this is going to get much better. You are going to have to be strong. And,I know you will, but keep those boundaries in place. Good job calling her on snapping at everyone.