Well, it sounds like your wife has a problem with everyone.
The good thing, I quess, is her "car pooling" college friend will eventually do something she doesn't like and she will begin to hate him also. So, the question becomes how do you survive in your situation until that point?
The main problem is YOUR WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR. It is going on right in front of your face and every boundary you set up she disregards and breaks. She disagres with whatever you say or do. She walks all over you with lame excuses of your behavior and that you remind her of her father. egads. And worse exactly as Rob pointed out "she projecting her feelings on to you and making it seem like you want the same thing so that she feels better about what she's doing" and you have probably gotten to the point you are believing them. She keeps you in toe and thats a hell of a place to be in.
Yet you are here asking for advice on how to build attraction. What for? to be her friend until the affair loses its luster? I dont believe you have become the WAS you think you have. You have been at this for what over 12 months? It is easy to not feel attachment towards your spouse at this stage. You probably havent had sex in as long as you can remember; you probably fight about everything and have no connection other than the arguments; she runs away from you an admits it to your face; you probably push eachother buttons in spite and resentment; and she spends her time with another man.
If there are other issues, physical abuse, sexual abuse, an affair of your own, drug or alcohol problems time to fess up so we dont lead you in the wrong direction. Because, your situation needs some serious changes. I doubt either one of you are truely happy and your kid(s) are affected by this unhappiness. You like Black Sabbath? I think this is from Vol. 4. Changes.
Originally Posted By: OZZY
I feel unhappy I feel so sad I've lost the best friend That I ever had
She was my woman I loved her so But it's too late now I've let her go
No abuse, drugs, or anything else. We were on the mend from May til July. Went to MC during this time and she gave up when we hit a bump in the road. There was no scholl at that time. School was agreed to before she gave up.
Now I take care of the kids at night while she goes to school. I also take care of everything else. We dont realy have agruments. When things start to get better she pulls the "I want out" crap. No affair on my side. Caught W with a long distance EA which started the whole thing in March.
Still stuck with out a clue right now other than the obvious items... Confirm affair, Get a lawyer, kill the marriage. I think 2 takes care of 3 it is 1 that I am not sure how to handle. I was here looking for advise on how to create a new R/M as the old one has died.
Projecting is dead on. When I told her I wanted to sell the house The color left her face. This was my answer to you can move out and I will stay here with the kids. I think that is what turned the conversation and the day south. She didn't like her plans all screwed up. I realize now that she pushed forward with the let's seperate stuff when she started feeling like she had the upper hand in the conversation.
The relationship talks always come from her when stress sets in and I am feeling good eg not paying any mind to her, her actions don't bother me, or I called her on something I didn't like.
Life is funny. I had been thinking I needed some relief from my sitch if even just for a brief day or 2. And boy did I get it. I can relate it to a joke I heard many moons ago. Abridged version. A man finds a genie lamp. He rubs it and the genie comes out and grants him 1 wish. The man ponders for a moment and says he wants his schlong to touch the ground. Poof... The man's legs were gone. You have to know exactly what you want when asking and know it and express it explicitly with no grey areas or fuzziness. It is also true to say it is all relative...one mans nightmare might be Good compared to anothers.
Did I do detachment wrong? I took a step back over the last few days and did a lot of thinking. I am not sure what to make of what I came up with. Have I become a WAS?
No......and the list you gave is the result of detaching "right"....if I did not misread your posts. When she reacts to you moving forward without her, that is good. She may try to bluff you out, but stick to your guns.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry need some more advise. Background Things have changed dramatically this last few days. I was told with relative certainty that I have Cancer. On the same day found out my dads cancer has gotten worse and that my uncle is in the hospital battling the same cancer. On Friday I found out a friend of mine lost her battle with cancer. Not a good week.
So a little journaling...I don’t want to go blow for blow so here is a summary. W was furious when she found out through friends i was going out on Friday and didn’t tell her. W says she is going out Sat night just so I know and the phone conversation ends. I really wasn’t going out but said I really could use a drink to a friend. Get home and W asks to speak to me. W says she was mad that I was telling a friend earlier in the week about additional details of my cancer possibility (Conversation was in our house with my W present). W said why didn’t I tell her first about those details? I said b/c she didn’t seem like she cared to know. She didn’t make time between when I learned of it and that evening. Reason for her being mad was she says she thought we would have Friday night to talk about my Dr stuff since we didn’t do it during the week. So she was surprised to learn I was going out. W said she didn’t want me going out this particular friend as he is spreading rumors that my wife is a run around. This other family is going through D along with us. Said she didn’t care if I went out just not with this person. Said in a lot of words that she worked hard for her reputation and it is being ruined by lies. W said she was trying to distance herself from that family. I went out Friday night and did meet this friend. W had my friends W over and their kids. Friend and kids stayed the night at the house with W and friend sleeping together. Very odd.
Sat rolls around and W tells me she is going to a women’s separation group at someones house to watch a movie and do pot luck. Goes with desert in hand dressed pretty nicely. Comes home at 2:30 AM. Seems to be my W magic pumpkin time as not matter what she is doing it ends up being 2AM or later. Kinda bizarre but usual for W of late. W opens up Sunday and tells me she has some real problems emotionally/mentally with her mom and her family and needs help. Her issues are many with her mom and she keeps reaching out for her help and nothing comes just more pain.
Monday I get results from DR on secondary test for Cancer and they say 1 more test to confirm it is not X is needed before a course of action can be made. I relate this to W on phone as she asked to know. I tell her and she say OK got to go. See her later before her school and she says nothing. See W next morning and she says she had a bad nite. Person she was with at school had to put her cat down in the last two weeks so it was a hard sad night for her. OMG. Hard night for her!!!!! A friggin cat! I knew I didn’t want to tell her anything about what I was going through as it would be just a real pain in the a$$. Sorry done with venting.
Here is where I can use advise…. I am hitting the wall with some emotions lately in trying to deal with all the crap. I know I will be fine b/c God will take care of me. But it is a lot of emotion on my plate. W seems to be hitting anxiety spells again and quite often. She is napping constantly. One minute nice to me and the next mean. We have hugged a few times when she was melting down when explaining issues with me about us or her family. She is sharing intimate details/issues with me and I am a good listener but do not provide answers. I am not sure what she is doing by telling me these things. Very odd. I have come to not expect anything and don’t wait for anything. I am just not sure if I should continue to be there for her. She said she has no one she trusts to share these things with. But I am not sure if I should be that person either. I am just confused and cant really think straight right now.
Wow! Saying you have a lot on your plate is an understatement! Bless your heart, I will pray that God will take care of your health, as well as your dad & uncle. It sounds as if you have faith in God where you health issues are concerned. I admire you for that.
It is horrible how your W is so self-centered! There is no excuse for that. Has she always been entirely focused on herself regardless of what is happening to her loved ones? I am certainly not suggesting that you file for D or anything, but I have always heard that the largest part of healing had to do with one's mental attitude and it is so important that you surround yourself with people who are loving & positive. She isn't. So, enough said there. If there was ever a time to put yourself first, now's the time.
That was more than odd what you said about the friends W & kids staying at your W's and the two women sleeping together. Maybe she has a reason for not wanting you to go out with your friend......you think? Maybe she is concerned he'll tell you too much.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi thanks. My W is a mental mess right now. Saying she is all over the place is an under statement. She invited my uncle to thanksgiving dinner. This is after she said no more family meals. So he is here now. She went to school and is now with her friend from school comforting her as she lost her mom a few months ago. So this will horrible of me but I knew she wouldn't come home tonight with the family waiting for her. There is always an excuse why she has to be out. Just tired of it. She is constantly letting the kids down. Tonight it is my daughter who is waiting for her to come home.
My wife was never this self centered. She goes back and forth. So many people think she is bi polar. It is just so tiring. I do not know how people do it when there is someone that has been diagnosed with real mental illness. So far I am just in a waiting game til July 22. That will be 1 yr of being physically seperated in the same house. It is a requirment in my state. I just don't know how anal going to last. It started in March the night before my D bday. It then ended/ began on July 21.
She just bounces back and forth. Had all day with the kids and she did nothing with them. She had her friend and her kids over. My kids are ticked. Yet she says she wants her time alone with the kids. She makes promises like going ice skating and then it doesn't happen. This is a constant. She had last Friday night and invited her friend over w kids and the kids went to the basement to play and watch TV. My kids were ticked. I am just not sure what 2 do any longer. I was trying to think of boundries etc but I hit a wall. I was told to let her continue to fail. The kids will soon catch on. I think they have. That is why I have a hard time leaving them to do things for me on the weekends. Well enough rambling. You helped we back in April. Explained 2 me about what my wife might be feeling do 2 her EA. We got to a point of recon and then hit a point where she couldn't continue with MC. So this is where I have ended up.
