Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Coach]

2) Your w is not doing this to hurt you. She is doing this because she is in pain and she does not know what else to do. She does not think she has a choice.

Almost always true. And tough to keep in mind through our own hurt and anger.

Keeping this in my thoughts "My dear friend is 'extremely confused and in a tremendous amount of pain,'"(her sister's words to me early on), helped me cope and stay focused.

Hurting people say hurtful things - it's a defense/coping mechanism. Hurting people do whatever they can to stop the pain. IMO it's counterproductive to "believe nothing of what they say" because a lot of answers can be found if you really listen with compassion. The reason your WAS is in a "fog" or spouting "script" is because they are hurting, confused, and looking for relief. Their actions in dealing with the pain are not the healthiest choices but they do work in the short run.

The first step in reconciliation is reducing the negative emotions. That has to start with you the DBer. I agree that you can't just arrive there without going thru the process. Once you reach the acknowledgement phase then you can start thinking. Once you start thinking then you can really make progress. But until you acknowledge that your marriage is over (you are already dead) then you are just reacting. Strong medicine that Detachtiva with rough side effects. For you PM fans detachment is differentiation. It is a journey so keep moving forward. Handle it.

Cheers

[Thinker]

Went out to a local pick-up bar tonight. Primary reason is that one year ago, Mrs. T and I went there as a couple, and that is where (and when) she began to drop the bomb. I wanted to see if I could go there and remain detached. I walked in and ran into a guy friend of mine from the gym., It rapidly deteriorated into a night of drinking and talking about women (oh yeah, and Football on TV).

It was a great night. Haven't had one of those in a long time. (Now home alone, no harm done...)

Should be interesting to see what happens tomorrow. To have the night out, I left the boys with a babysitter - and left the sitter with instructions to call W and have the boys say goodnight. - So W knows I have been out, but has no idea where.

See you all tomorrow....

[d1adsl5a]

Heading to the Marriage Counselor in about 10 minutes. I hear what you are saying on the anger bit. I wouldn't ever act on anything. It is just the fact that yes, she is still doing this to me and to our sons. We can make all the excuses in the world for them--MLC, they don't know how to get through this phase without doing this, they hurting too and this is how they express it....depressed whatever.

The fact is, they are the ones pulling the strings and making these decisions as we sit by trying to work on us, dbing..I just question how long? Thinker it has been a year for you. Sounds like you are starting to drive this closure with setting up the mediator appointment.

I know we all hate the fact of the situation we are in. I know why most of us are here--to prepare us for post divorce. Some are lucky and they work it out. Most never get to that point. I really never imagined I nor my sons would ever be in this position. I realize this sounds alot like "Why me"

I am in the anger phase where I can't look her in the eye. I am sure that will subside sooner or later. It is exausting and I can't keep it up forever. The only way we heal is by eventually living in separate households. Neither of us are going to leave our house. I hate coming home and eating dinner as a family with her. I hate that we are spending the holiday's apart. I hate that she never gave us a chance. I hate that she never spoke up to say how she was feeling years ago. I hate that the women I loved for 19 years is gone even though we are living in the same house.

It is easy for her to act happy--she is the one doing this. It is harder for us because we are the rejected, hurt ones. Sometimes I am a master of acting like I am happy, othertimes, I can't carry on the charade...

I am rambling at this point. On my way to the Marriage Counselor to talk custody...

[Coach]

I realize this sounds alot like "Why me"

Yes, it does. Stop being a victim, very unattractive. A victim has things done to them out of their control. A leader sees the situation, makes a plan, and moves forward. Choose your own path, considering the brutal reality of where you are. You have choices in how you handle things. The anger stems from feeling out of control. Reread your post, you give her control over you.

[d1adsl5a]

Coach:

I here you. Believe me I do. Sometimes I do have the ability and strength to lead. Sometimes I do play the victim. Unattractive as it may seem, it is just hard to play that role always. You are like the kid sometimes that someone says they don't like you, and your ego says wait a minute, I am not a bad guy. How can you say that. How can you throw the entire thing away without ever trying.

The counselor did say that he cannot see this changing for the better with both of us in the same house. I would have to agree. You have to get to the indifference phase, which means love is gone, hope is gone, to act like you don't care. Unfortunately, I am not to the indifference phase, she is. As I said earlier, somedays I can act the part other days I cannot. The days I cannot, I am not going to pretend anymore. My emotions are my emotions. Trying to squester them doesn't work for me.

This somewhat played out today with our conselor. I just get fed up with us in limbo land. I asked her what is her plan. You wanted this to be done, they do something vs. just playing out a charade every day.

So we did come out with a plan re: getting our house appraised, talking about custody which we agreed to in theory of me getting 3 days per week and her getting 4 days per week.

Look coach I do know how to lead. I run a $150M business unit in a fortune 50 company. This thing has shook me to the core. All my busniess teachings seem to go out the window when my heart comes into play. This has opened me up deeper than I ever though something could. Had no idea hurt, stress like this could come on like this. It has been 7 months of her wanting out. So I am to the point of fine, just do what your going to do so the healing can begin for me.

I do admire what Thinker is able to do. My only question to thinker would be isn't this whole thing with the mystery just a cat and mouse game. Do you ever get to the point of just end it if you are going to end it? After a year, if she was going to comeback wouldn't there have been some signs by now?

I guess I just don't have the patience that you have.

I am sure this also comes off as the victim, however, that is what I am feeling. The real victim(s) in this whole thing is our sons. We failed them as parents.

[Coach]

d1, Nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, it's how you respond that counts. I looked up your original thread. Your W is a piece of work. You need to read up on boundaries, detachment and validating. I would also look for solid evidence of a affair, lots of red flags in your posts.

I would recommend starting a thread in Newcomers, more traffic here. I would go back and re-read what Sandi and 25 posted to you - it was solid advice. Lastly, I found that my business, military, sports and coaching experiences all helped me DB. You can handle it.

Cheers
Coach

[Thinker]

d1,

You and I AND our sitches have a lot in common. So similar that I cam imagine a lot of what you are going through. I'm just farther along in the process.

I'm happy to help. Feel free to post youir questions here, or let me know where you'll be.

As to patience and "the cat and mouse game" - I, much like you, found it was impossible until I had detached. Until then, I just couldn't pull it off. How did I detach? Not easily. I had to go through the phases.

Read some of by earlier threads - no detachment there.

[Thinker]

I would also look for solid evidence of a affair, lots of red flags in your posts.

I agree with Coach on this one. I saw many of the same red flags in my own sitch, and ignored them for a a while. The A was there, I was in denial.

Although there is some discussion about it, I am pro-snoop, pro knowing about the A, and pro exposure. If there is an A, you deserve to know about it. You deserve to have the freedom to make informed choices and act with the knowledge of what is (or is not) going on, rather than what might be or might not be going on.

[Thinker]

Journaling:

Not much happening in this sitch. W is away with MIL, returning tomorrow. Boys and I had a great (and very busy) weekend - family party friday pm, Hiking on saturday, followed by a birthday party, church followed by a cub scout hike, then basketball today.

I'm not doing much worrying right now - just living life. I've actually been enjoying the increased space recently. W has been calling multiple times per day to check in and talk to the boys, but I mostly just pass her off so she can talk to them. She misses the boys and they miss her a lot.

I've been using my spare time to read "I'm OK, You're OK." I had never looked as this book because the title put me off. It sounds like it is going to be all new age feel good, but actually provides a very good framework for understanding yourself, others, and the ways we interact - "Transactional Analysis". I recommend it as another piece in the self improvement jigsaw puzzle. I was cracking up reading the section on "Games" and seeing what it described map so well to everyday life and life in a MR. I think I may have to pick up "Games People Play" next.

I'm a bit on edge for W's return tomorrow - no reason other than anticipation of the unknown. I am not expecting anything other than a return to our new "normal" - going our separate ways and sleeping separately. It IS more stressful when she is here than when she is gone.

I know she is under a ton of personal and psychological stress from her mom's sickness, so am trying to be supportive without pursuing or violating my own newly set boundaries.

[Lotus]

I read that book in college, and got a lot out of it too. I'm glad to hear that it is still pretty applicable. I hope she will recognize how great you've been in taking care of the boys while she's away.