One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."
Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.
Puppy
That is the brutal reality.
Absolutely true. Many LBSers think making the WAS "mad" is a bad thing that MUST be avoided at all costs. It's conflict avoidance on the part of the LBSer that ends up often bringing about the very thing the LBSer fears the most; i.e., the WAS leaving and staying gone. And fwiw, the Boundaries book isn't only for Christians but I particularly suggest it for those who use their faith as a tool to justify inaction or "not hurting the WAS" with their conflict avoidance. If you want "permission" to set and enforce boundaries, (leaving that issue itself alone for now...) then definitely read the book.
Boundaries are healthy & mandatory. I read somewhere that "Disclipine is a form of love" and it clearly applied to raising children. Sometimes boundaries are the same thing for adults. Seems ironic but setting and enforcing boundaries requires discipline on the part of the one setting them, and it's not for the lazy or the cowardly. But it is for the successful DBers around here. Every one of us who has managed to reconcile AND stay m, has had to set and enforce a boundary that was not easy or comfortable. Boundaries & some form of healthy detachment from results, are what we have in common. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
