Hope and heartache

[awest1217]

Since you have the girls every Wednesday and W has time to herself, maybe she is going to a gym, maybe counseling (especially given the time frame), maybe she is meeting friends, maybe it is the worst case scenario. I am not going to say you shouldn't think about it. I am just saying with the worst case scenario also think about other possible positive scenarios so it can help keep your mood up.

My sitch is getting more confusing, but thinking of a few positives helps keep me strong and going.

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks for the thoughts Awest. I just hate it when one small comment pulls me back down the roller coaster. Overall, the week is going well and I'm finally up and running when it comes to weekends. Going out with friends Friday night and then meeting a different group Saturday for a hockey game. Sunday, I have D7 for a few hours, a housewarming party and the start of my winter men's basketball league.

Smalllllllllllll baby step. If it even is one. W called about D10 losing her part in the play because she missed dress rehearsal. She emailed director in the morning and checked at night and never received a response. Apparently, D10 said director was mad about the email -- W just lacks tact when emailing.

So she was wondering if she should call the principal. I just listened and didn't argue against it. She asked if I wanted to call and I told her no, she can.

When I hung up, I reviewed the call in my head and thought my tone was too cold. So I texted her that she'll do fine on the phone.

You see, she tends to fly off the handle when upset and I come in and smooth the waters. Problem is she didn't like it when I smoothed things. She thought I wasn't supporting her.

She texted back, "ok no face to face :)"

I responded, "yes. good idea."

It was light-hearted. I didn't want her to think I was sitting here thinking she'd burn more bridges -- although I am worried about that.

She texted later reminding me D10 has rehearsal in the morning.

Back to the original thing. What could she be doing on a Wednesday? Yes, any one of those things. She's been quick to tell me when she's going out -- probably because I know a ton of people and she figures it would get back to me anyway -- so being circumspect about what she's doing has me playing the LBS game of assuming the worst-case scenario.

I should look at the positive. We are four days away from it being a month since she mentioned the D word at all.

[ClingingToHope]

Well, there may be an EA or at least a guy looking for an EA. Facebook message this morning from guy who I know has gone out with W since I moved out. He was asking why she hadn't responded to his text the other day about the "Nazi interrogators" at work and now he's "gonna cry."

It's the kind of jokey, ingratiating message I'd send someone I was trying to "get to know better." Also, it means the day she had the really rough day at work and called me -- which gave me confidence that at least I'm still in her heart when it comes to work stress -- she also either called him or texted him.

So she's not just sitting at home. Of course, since she didn't respond to his text from a couple of weeks ago, it's unlikely she was with him last night. Maybe it's already fizzling or fizzled since she's been googling the dream ex-boyfriend.

She hadn't read the message so I deleted it. Of course, that could turn out to be dumb.

I know one of the DB rules is to not spy or snoop and that's one I'm struggling with. I guess I'd rather know what I'm up against rather than wonder if she's sitting home pining for me -- obviously she's not.

Having that knowledge changed how I handled this morning. D10's play is Monday and she lost her speaking roles for skipping dress rehearsal. We're really not sure why D10 skipped and understand why she lost the speaking parts. But the director running the show has changed schedules several times, been slow to tell the parents and generally been tough to deal with.

W has been growing increasingly frustrated. I've been listening on the phone but not really validating. One of our problems is that she feels I don't trust her to deal with these situations and don't back her up.

When I got off the phone I wasn't happy with my tone and after discovering the Facebook message, I sent her a text.

"You are handling play situation fine. I am behind you."

From my marriage rebuilders class, I'm guessing Words of Affirmation are one of her love languages and she hasn't felt that I was truly proud of her in a long time.

I feel I need to tread the fine line of not pursuing and taking the opportunities to show her love and support.

[awest1217]

There is nothing wrong with supporting your W during this, especially if that is something you feel you need to work on anyway. Don't feel bad that you are initiating contact or anything. You are being a good spouse and ultimately that is the point. I think some times we think of these strategies and forget to watch for progress. If the strategy is not working, it says to try something else. Maybe instead of complete LRT you should work on "cheer-leading". If I remember right that is one of the strategies. Praising, praising, praising. Looking for positives and always excentuating them. It is just a thought.

It sounds like you have a nice full weekend! Enjoy it.

[ClingingToHope]

Yesterday was really a down day for me. I don't know why. I have a full weekend so there isn't going to be too much time to sulk or worry about W.

This morning brought a twinge of pain. Yearly benefit enrollment wrapped up. My W works for an insurance company so this is always very easy. I've never been on my company plan and again this year I just had to turn in the form with "No change" on it.

A month ago W asked me to look into getting on my company plan. She estimated it would save her $80 per month if I got off her plan. She said I'd be kicked off it anyway when the divorce was final "mid-year."

She said she'd be filing soon.

Well she hasn't. I went to HR and instead of asking how much it would cost me to get on now I instead asked if I could join mid-year if I got divorced. They said yes, it's a qualifying event like getting married or having a baby -- good things.

So I sent W an email three weeks ago saying that I could join my insurance when we get divorced and I wasn't going to voluntarily get off of her plan (apparently she can't kick me off) because I can't afford to go on my own plan right now.

And I haven't heard anything about it since.

I'm still praying I won't ever get divorced. Last night, on the way home from a basketball game -- I'm keeping the scorebook for a local high school as a winter second job -- I totally broke down -- crying, why me, the whole bit. That was the first time in a couple of months. As soon as I got home I took a sleeping pill because I didn't want to toss and turn all night.

[ClingingToHope]

Wrapping up at work and have really scheduled myself a full weekend. May have overscheduled really. I'm actually going to break away and go shopping. I have some serious financial issues, but I'm going out the next two nights, including to a hockey game where I know some of W's co-workers may see me, so I want to look my best.

I've spent almost nothing on myself for the past five years because I always was saving so W could spend on clothes. It was important to her and what did I care, I'm married. Eventually, she'd pick stuff up for me.

Of course, maybe that was one small tiny part of the problem.

We'll see how I do buying for myself. I'm going to try to stick to the colors she likes on me.

Thanks everyone for sticking with me this week.

My goals: Be a great listener. Learn to underreact. Don't give advice unless asked. And be loving and confident when I am around W on Sunday.

[ClingingToHope]

Interesting time last night. Went out with former co-worker, female, and another co-worker met up with us.

The female friend said I needed to tone down the flirting with another friend that we share. I'll admit there has been a little flirting, but mostly we've been meeting at church and exchanging messages through FaceBook.

We did go out as a group two weeks ago to see a folk band play, but then we left early because she wanted to see the Michael Jackson movie and I was the only one who would go with.

The movie was good and I had a lot of fun.

It was also safe because I thought she was in a relationship with a guy who lives 90 minutes away.

Well my ex-coworker friend said that relationship is on the outs and she doesn't want me going any further until things with W are settled.

I definitely agreed, but the fact that this lady may be available gave me something different to think about.

She's 180 degrees different than W. Outgoing, talkative, social butterfly, driven to succeed. She wouldn't "need" me at all other than just to be the significant other.

We are going to a hockey game together tonight with two other friends. Again, safe times.

This whole thing is such a fine line. GALing means getting out and doing new things and meeting new people. But I told the ex-coworker I do want my M back -- but not the one of the last three years -- the one from five years ago. And W, the last time we had that R talk five weeks ago told me not to live in limboland, go out and find someone else.

I know she meant it, but she doesn't really mean it. You know what I mean.

So tonight, the likelihood is high that someone from W's work will see me and it may get back to W that I was at the game and it wouldn't be a bad thing for me to be seen with a pretty woman. Or it may be a terrible thing.

So am I truly interested or just interested in somehow making W jealous. It's probably a little bit of both.

[gucci loafer]

So tonight, the likelihood is high that someone from W's work will see me and it may get back to W that I was at the game and it wouldn't be a bad thing for me to be seen with a pretty woman. Or it may be a terrible thing.

Nah.. Won't be a bad thing at all. She told you to see other people and you are abiding by her wishes.. Go have some fun. Life is short. Women respond better when you aren't waiting around for them.

[Lucky11too]

Yeah, that's definitely a fine line. You don't want to cross the line where it would be impossible to get back with W, which is still your goal. Definitely go out and have a fun time in a safe setting, but like I said before, if you feel anything changing about any of these female relationships, you need to take a step back and figure out exactly what you want. I don't have a lot of experience in the reverse of me making H jealous, but I know it does work. That's how H got me in the first place. Haha. I was still iffy on him, but then he started talking to this ugly girl, so it got me over there talking to him real quick. But, on the other hand, DON'T do it just for the point of making W jealous. Do what's best for you and if that's a side effect, then you take it for what it is and and take responsibility for the reaction. Hope you are having a great weekend! I'm off to see New Moon with my girlfriends. Yay! =)

[ClingingToHope]

Had a good time at the hockey game. There were four of us and two sat in between the -- I don't know what to call her -- possible new interest.

We really only talked in between periods other than getting in on four-way conversations. She asked if W and were talking at all and I said no. I asked her how long it took her to get over her own failed marriage attempt.

She moved here nine years ago with a fiance then helped him get his business off the ground and then they bought a house together. Then he broke off the wedding.

She's rebounded well. Starting a PR company that has 10 employees and offices in three cities.

She said it took her 10 months to a year to get over it.

I told her that's pretty impressive, that I've talked to people who said it took four years for them to feel normal.

She said it's different for every person and I'm the type who seems to be pretty strong.

After, she didn't want to go out for drinks and so we went our separate ways.

Today, I have D7 for the day because W had a baby shower. Weird mix of thoughts all day. Seeing W and then being out with D7 and noticing all of the happy families has me down. I was thinking about Coach's story a lot. I think he said it was about 16 months before his wife made steps back towards him. I'd like to believe in that but I see no love or affection in W's face when she sees me.

I'm starting to fear the filing. I don't know how I'll handle it.

I'm trying to keep my focus on my positive momentum.

* I've been out of the house six months now.
* I have a steady set of weekend options.
* I've got my projects at work.
* I should be OK financially while in limboland.
* I have my second job for the winter.
* It's been six weeks since an R talk and it was a month ago that W last mentioned D.
* I have a new friend that, if free to pursue, might actually be a great person to be around. But she's been hurt before and I'd hate for me to just go after her on a rebound.

I'm thinking about calling a counselor this week -- not a DB counselor -- but someone to get me through the holidays. Work pays for the first three sessions.