Hey can I join the party? The one year anniversary for bomb #1 for me will be on Thanksgiving. It's funny how things are alike. I see how my wife keeps cycling.
You ladies are an inspiration. It's hard enough with my wife and I separated. I don't know how I would be able to handle if she was living at home.
Sometimes it is okay having my H around, sometimes it is difficult because it is so hard to detach from the crazy. I think it has been okay for the kids here, though, because he has gotten to the point (after months of not) where he does interact with them a decent amount so it is at least somewhat "normal" for them.
But some days it is so difficult. I had a total meltdown earlier this afternoon but I guess I needed to because I feel better now.
Okay, so I have decided I need to go dimmer. As I have mentioned, I see some "normal" these days, but it is still always mixed with obvious crazy that I know that it is not yet "real," if that makes any sense. Not that he is not being genuine in his actions or words (I believe he is), but he is not himself by any means. It is throwing me into a tailspin. I ache for the normal when I see the glimpses and it has been so emotionally rough on me.
I have not been "pursuing" I don't think, but have decided I need to tone things down even further. Not be rude or aloof, but maybe just not act so interested in his day, etc., esp asking him questions or whatever. It seems so awful, but I feel like I need to do it to detach as much as I can and make sure my expectations are at zero. I need to do this for me, not for how he might react.
TF, I know what you mean about seeing the "normal". It keeps drawing me in. I have to do a better job of not being so available. You sound like you have a good handle on things.
I think we need to get to a place where they need to come to us and not the other way around.
You are absolutely right - being in a place that they need to come to us. I am finding I need to do that as I do get drawn in also as you say.
Last night, I chose not to be in the room with H and the kids which must have surprised him (my D asked me to join them and I said I would, then after a few minutes changed my mind - felt strange to be there). He actually came to me a couple of minutes later to make sure everything was okay. Strange. BUT need to remember my detaching is for me not to see what he does.
Yes that is the key doing for you and not as a trick to see how they will respond.
I have gone back and forth about Thanksgiving. My inlaws invited me to come. I want to go but don't want to go, if that makes any sense at all. Ultimately I decided I'm not going because it will be too hard for me. If it also happens to give her an idea what it's like to spend a holiday without me then fine but that's not why I'm not going.
I remember when I told her a couple weeks ago that I may not be there, she started giving me excuses as to why I should go. She couldn't just come out say "I want you there" because then she would have to admit feelings for me. Even this past week I texted her to let her know I wasn't going. No response. I texted her later to ask if she got my first text. No response.
To answer your question from KJ's thread. No, my wife does not live at home. She moved out in February.
I am having Thanksgiving issues, too. It will be at my parents' and my H is invited, they really want him to come, but I am sure he won't. It will make me sad, but at the same time maybe him sitting at home and being miserable by himself is a good thing. It will suck for the kids because they will know it is not right that he is not there. Of course, I am just assuming (and we know what that does) that he won't come but he has avoided my family like the plague since the bomb. Doesn't seem to see that other people can have grace.
