Question

[ClingingToHope]

It'll be interesting to see how things are on your anniversary. Mine is at the end of April. My birthday is at the start of it. I've already bought tickets to Fort Myers for the week of my birthday (it's spring break for their district) so I won't have to worry about what W is doing.

For the anniversary -- I guess it'll depend on where we are in this process. Will we be on the D train? Limboland? Reconciliation?

That's so far away.

I wish you the best.

[Lucky11too]

Yeah, our anniversary is in March...and we better have some direction by then! Last year's was a disaster - we decided to go out to dinner (not sure what we were celebrating - obviously wasn't our marriage), he was texting on his phone all night, OW called, it was just bad. But I had no clue about DBing, was still doing all the wrong thigs, so it really was a disaster waiting to happen! Blah.

But you still have a few weeks...take it one day at a time...see how Thanksgiving and the tubes go and just try to get a feel for his 'temperature'. I think it's going to be almost impossible to not expect anything out of him for your anniversary, but given the situation, it's always a possibility. Stay strong!

Hope you have a good weekend!

[awest1217]

Things keep getting better. I went to the doctor and H came with me "to take care of S", but I think he just wanted to be there. He offered to pay the copay, but I said it was no problem. The doctor put me on an antibiotic. Hopefully it works soon! We then went to Meijer to get the prescription. I said I also needed diapers for S, distilled water for his humidifier, tylenol for S, and new shoes for S. (this morning I put on S's shoes and he says "mommy my feet hurt" so I checked and his shoes were too small...ugh).

H paid for everything. We had driven separately due to doing everything right after work so H walked us to our car. He said how he has "no money" so I asked what happened to our savings and he said he is trying to do everything just on his salary. I said how I understood. I said just to give him a heads up that his car insurance bill would be coming in January so he can plan ahead. H said I plan on being home by then...THAT'S RIGHT A TIME!!!!! I said that would be great and I would love it. We talked some more about what I had learned and how great this week has been. A lot of thanking one another, very heart-felt. H acted like he didn't want to leave and I said we could go out to eat or eat at our house (he had asked if we had plans for dinner and I said possibly because my brother's birthday is Tuesday. I think it bothered him). He said no, but we did a lot of hugging and talked probably for 20 minutes.

H said he wanted to get home to finish reading the forgiveness book I talked about. He really seems like he wants to really make things work and is truly starting to act that way. Still being cautiously positive, but more and more small steps.

The only thing I am sad about is that I have plans this weekend. I mean this is the first weekend since H left again that I have plans, and it seems like H really wants to hang out, but who knows. He might never have called tomorrow and I do deserve to have fun. It makes him think.

My hope is starting to go up and up.

[awest1217]

The only thing I am still leary about is H has not talked about his feelings yet or really been very physically loving. I know that will come and I need to be patient. The only part I really want is to know what he is thinking and feeling. Tonight he said he has learned a lot this week. I just would like to know what...good/bad, about me, about him? I am excited for him to start being more open with me.

[Lucky11too]

Wow, there's not alot of suggestions I can give right now, but can only say congrats. Things are moving in the right direction! =) The fact that he is being there to support you physically and financially are just so awesome. And that he's preparing to move back in by January - YAY! One question, when he left last time, did you tell him he couldn't come back unless OW was out of the picture? I was just wondering what terms HE thinks he's coming back on. Obviously not a discussion for this point as you are in the rebuilding stage, just something to think about for the coming month.

Regarding the feelings and physical stage, I believe even DR said that that was the last stage you get to, so continue to be patient!

[awest1217]

I think I am out. I can't keep doing this...nothing has really changed, but although H said those things on Friday, today he is talking like he isn't planning on being here any time soon, and yes Lucky, I am pretty sure he thinks he is going to come home and still have her and that is not an option. I am going to get through this week, get through thanksgiving, and S's surgery...then I am DONE! I am tired of fighting. I have nothing left. He has won, I have lost and that is that. Has he made some good baby steps, sure, but are they real, I doubt it, and I am done being his "family". I am done!

[ClingingToHope]

Get a good night's sleep and get through the next week and see how you are feeling. It says on the boards that there are always steps forwards and backwards.

It seems he takes a couple small steps forward and then back.

[Lucky11too]

I know it's tough...all these ups and downs...the rollcoaster...I hate it. Like CTH said, just get some sleep and get thru the week and then see how you feel. And as hard as it is, just act "as if" all week b/c if you do decide to go forward, you wouldn't want to backtrack on the progress you've made. But after this week and after you get a chance to really think about it and if you still are truely done & only if you are truely done, then I'd say give him your ultimatrum and be prepared to follow thru on it (b/c that could be the real end of it). But also think that you are still making progress and that he is going to pull back when he starts to get close to you again (like he was last week). Or maybe since you are feeling this way (I'd say play it by ear though) and as it seems like he wants to make this work, maybe start to up the boundaries again (with OW) and see what the results are. Just think about your options out there...there are still a few more things to try, including patience, so don't give up yet...but ultimately the decision is up to you...there really is only so much each of us can withstand. Good luck on your decision.

[Lucky11too]

Is today any better for you?

[awest1217]

I still really feel done. I don't know and can't explain the feeling. IT might be my subconscience trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. I am really enjoying spending time with H and he keeps doing more and more. The Christmas lights don't work so he said he would buy new ones. We had to take S to the doctor and he went with us and then took us out to eat. We are really have fun together, getting along, etc, but I am having horrible days and just don't feel like getting hurt again. H is still with OW and I know he will never give that up. He hasn't for 9 years and honestly even if he says he is going to, I know it will just be lying. So I either keep up this getting closer and closer and get hurt, give him an ultimatum and set everything back, or just deal with the fact that I will never have the full love of my husband. Tough decision. He is being wonderful and even left me another "I'm thinking about you" note again yesterday, but I don't know if it is real or not. He wants to help decorate for Christmas and spend the night this week, but for what...so he can feel better. I guess each time he leaves I have a harder and harder time forgiving him and get more and more mad at OW.

On top of everything here is other stuff going wrong right now...
BUSY BUSY at work
phone line didn't work from Saturday to Sunday so I had to call the phone company
S colored all over the front door, refrigerator, and piano
S put 1/2 a box of Puffs down the toilet
S said "I want my daddy" when he got in trouble
I called H and let S tell him that he wanted daddy and H did nothing, which is why I started to break down
S isn't sleeping well due to being extremely stuffed up so not sleeping well Sunday to Monday was up from 2am until 4 am.
Today 2 hour delay which was great, but H's school calls me so I have to call him to tell him
S peed all over my queen comforter while I was changing his diaper so I had to wash the comforter
The washer overflowed because the comforter was too big
S still does not feel great and can't have tubes put in if still coughing
H wants to continue to help, but I am starting to back off more and more because I don't want to get hurt again

I just don't know what to do...I am at a point where I don't even know if I love H or just want the M to stay together for S. H talked about getting me a christmas present, but what about our anniversary?!?!? I am not mentioning it, but... Then last night he says something about his parents wanting us to stop by thanksgiving and he says he will just go by himself. Why? If he wants to be with me, then why not do it as a family? I just don't get it. I don't want to get hurt again, and putting up my defenses is what will help me, but at the same time I know that is going to drive H away again...I AM SO CONFUSED!