Spinning in Circles

[Tostada]

Hi BlueRain...i have followed your sitch for quite awhile. You sound like a great person. Im sorry your H flipped out. I need to look into some fleece sheets.

I'm fully D'd and my W has shown little or no signs of coming back. Our D was messy, complicated by her poor attorney asking for the moon. I ended up ok I guess in it all, cost me a lot to defend myself. Only recently when I think she was dumped by OM did she look for support..'you dont care about me' was what I heard. I sensed a lot of insecurity in that, perhaps some regret. I think they are fully back together and are committed to each other now. Only when she gets dumped by him can she fully grieve the end of our marriage, which I dont think she ever did. She started an A, ended our M, and has been in fantasy land ever since. They have risked everything for each other so I think they will put much more effort into their relationship than they did in their marriages. If they lose each other, they can add that loss to loss of their reputations, friends, families, etc.

I'm not sure I'm hoping to revive my marriage. In fact I dont really think there is hope at all. I guess as someone posted above, I wouldnt be here if I didnt want to. But, I think what I'm doing here is just interacting with everyone with similar problems, learning how to deal with them. I love my W and miss her greatly. Im amazed I can write that after how much intentional pain she has caused me and our families. I think it would be nearly impossible for me to trust her, forgive her, and to let go in the back of my mind what happened, all the lies and betrayal.

I really dont think I'm ready for a 'relationship', but it would certainly be a boost to my ego if some chick found me interesting enough for a big 'hug'. Its been a long time.

[P17]

Only recently when I think she was dumped by OM did she look for support..'you dont care about me' was what I heard. I sensed a lot of insecurity in that, perhaps some regret.

... be prepared for her to do that again, and again and again until you tell her you 'dont care about her anymore' after all, she broke that tie when she D'd you.

I think they are fully back together and are committed to each other now. Only when she gets dumped by him can she fully grieve the end of our marriage, which I dont think she ever did. She started an A, ended our M, and has been in fantasy land ever since.

You weren't married to my W by any chance were you? The problem with people who do this, IMO, is that if the OM dumps her she will just find OM2, then OM3. The reason being is they simply can't cope with dealing with the pain that us LBS's have to deal with. They get over by getting somebody else and falling in love all over again. Those love drugs are waaaaay more powerful that the years they spent in the marriage. It's much easier to take a fix than deal with the reality of what you've actually done to yourself, your kids, your spouse and your wider family OR (in my W's case) to who she's actually become.

I'm not sure I'm hoping to revive my marriage. In fact I dont really think there is hope at all.

While you are both still alive, there is hope. It all depends on how much effort you want to put into making it work.

I read time and time again (not on here, elsewhere) that the R's started working again and fixed themselves when the people just
gave up on them.

I would have no more contact with your XW for your sake. She knows where you are.

[bluerain]

Well in that case! I saw that you said that you had put up a profile on one of the dating sites, thats a start! I think that alot of the DBing principles apply, look great, smell great, have a positive attitude, take care of yourself. Even if you arent ready to date, and I agree, you might not be, just looking good and feeling good will help you.

But keep in mind, if you go to a movie with someone, or dinner, or whatever, you arent bound to some kind of huge commitment. Your just meeting and having a nice time, you should allow yourself that much at least!

Im actually not sorry that my H lost it. Not anymore. After he left, I sort of realized, after I finished being sad (that was over pretty quickly), that hes kind of a creep! And I can do soooo much better!

And tostada, I think that EVERYONE needs fleece sheets!

[newmama]

Tostada, it sounds like you are moving on. From the sound of your first post, you were still wanting your ex wife.

When it comes to dating, believe me, the odds are unlikely that you would find a match for a relationship right away! Like one poster said, be careful not to lead the other person on, but you really could just tell them you are casually dating.

I had sooo much fun dating the 18 months or so that I used online dating sites. I had no intentions of finding anything serious, and didn't take it personal if the guy didn't call me back.I also had the experience of turning them down, too, so it wasn't damaging or anything. IMO when 2 people don't click, it just isn't a good fit, it doesn't have to do with whether or not you are desirable.

(ex: a mountain climbing white water rafting dude would probably not click with a downtown artsy chick)

Now if you aren't ready then don't do it! But it really helps to remind yourself that the opposite sex finds you fun and desirable so you don't NEED your exwife, you know?

[Tostada]

Well I ran into XW yesterday. She totally ignored me, wouldn't even make eye contact when we were close together. I noticed she had a new piece of jewelry on. A simple gold band on her right ring finger. I don't know what this means. I have a hunch though. She wouldn't even wear gold when with me. Any jewelry would have to have plenty of bling in it and be silver. Had to be flashy. She doesn't wear anything from me anymore. She used to up until recently so I think this band has something to do with OM.
It shouldn't bother me, but it did.

[bluerain]

I totally understand what your saying, its hard to turn off those feelings. I guess you are supposed to acknowledge them, and "let them go".

Try not to worry about why shes wearing gold, or who its from. Im sorry that she ignored you, thats pretty lame.

[Tostada]

well heres some entertaining info...omw called me tonight. i guess om went through a few week period recently where he couldnt figure out what he was doing. pretty sure it matches up with the period when i was getting the 'you dont care about me, leave me along, why do you want to ruin my life' texts from xw.

I was certain at the time xw put pressure on om to sh*t or get off the pot with OMW. Well, OMW tells me OM was rather physically interested her on her birthday. It was soon after that he filed. He was going to lose his W for sure and XW was laying down the hammer. Cant lose both, so file, make XW happy, and move on.

So...OM ticked off OMW pretty good recently. OM and XW (i know, rather confusing with all these letters) were recently on a vacation together, so OMW txt XW and lets her know about a bunch of wonderful details about her and OM recently. Nothing like calling him out on a few lies. She figured she'd throw a little wrench in their vacation. Must have...as she got a reply lickity split, but from OM. Were pretty sure this is where the creation the the 'ring' came from. OM had to show XW how committed he was to her. "i filed, she's gone, heres a ring, all is good'...

I cant stop thinking how what a wonderful relationship these two have. XW cant trust OM and OM has been pressured into this.

oh well..im doing fine tonight...knowing what a big mess xw has got herself into.

[dday101798]

...knowing what a big mess xw has got herself into.

And THAT, is the way you need to keep looking at it. Looking at it that way, why can't you forgive her? Why must you harbor all the negativity and continue to go up and down the emotional elevator? Forgive her, forgive her for chosing a life that will be nothing short of displeasing for herself until she decides to own up to her actions. And in doing so you shall set yourself free. After all, you couldn't control what she has done or will do.

So what if OM got her a little assurance bling. Call up a couple of buddies and start a pool on how long it will take before all the problems they (OM and your XW) thought they could just run away from take a bite out of their backsides.

[Tostada]

That's the challenge, forgiving. I don't think I'm capable of that until OM is gone and XW comes to me and says how screwed up she was. That's not likely to happen. I have a lot of anger to OM.

[dday101798]

I think you missed what I was trying to say:

Forgive her for making the decision to leave you for OM as life there will not be all sunny walks on the beach soon enough.