Is this the end of my marriage?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You lost me, SSMguy. You said:

How can you prove, beyond your own speculation, that someone is having an affair? Don't you have to be in the motel room with them to see them actually having sex? I can't imagine but that I'd be extremely reluctant to report that someone was having an affair, because all I could say is that "it looked like it", not that it is a fact. And you could be made a fool of.

so I was trying to address those specific points:

1. How one can prove an affair beyond mere speculation;

2. It's still valid to expose a workplace affair, if one has sufficient proof.

If you're trying to make a different point, I apologize, cuz I'm a little confused here.

Puppy

[P17]

Just wondering, what are the cons involved if you did out them?

Pro would be that it would put more pressure on the A.

What would happen if your W lost her job?
I am just asking.

Not sure what would happen, although I don't think that would be an option for the company.

[P17]

Just a dumb question here. How can you prove, beyond your own speculation, that someone is having an affair?

If you think your W is having an affair, she probably is. Trust your gut.

Proving it is more difficult though. PDT gave some good advice.

[P17]

And maybe I'm out of context again, but in that case I think the issue is between you and your spouse, regardless of the policy at the workplace.

It is between you and your spouse. However when the spouse is having an A, your first job is to break / stop the A. Whatever tools you have to use you should.

[newmama]

How are you doing, P? I read that you had to cut your daughter's visit short and return her because you were having an emotional meltdown. Are you feeling better today?

[P17]

A bit better today but haven't been sleeping or eating at all.

Things are very tough. I'm very sad that I will never see or hear from W again. Especially considering how much I still love her. The NC has brought those feelings back again. I wish I didn't love her. I wish I hated her as this would be easier.

Also very upset at her couldn't care less attitude towards my mum. That woman who is living around the corner from here with her OM is not the woman I married. I think back to the time when her gran died and how supportive I was and how I was always there for her.

I know I will feel better but I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

Off to see her friend this afternoon. Don't think this is the best day but I would like to get it out of the way.

Also trying to find out more info on the OM (such as where he used to live). Not sure what to do with it but was considering seeing if I could contact his ex-girlfriend / ex-wife to find out a bit more about him. Not sure. Maybe there is a current wife / current girlfriend.

[P17]

Just been to see one of W's friends.

Wasn't actually aware but they don't have as great a friendship as I thought. Without going through the long and short of it, I think it's time for me to give up and move on.

W is in a place just now where she can't be reached. She has changed and everybody seems to have noticed it - more abrupt, blunt and headstrong. OM is looking for a job here still.

However, mentally W seems to have moved on. I need to now do the same.

The A looks like it's very strong, although her friend and I pondered how strong it could actually be given the financial pressure they are under.

Anyway, nothing more for me to do here I don't think.

[newmama]

P17,
I seriously doubt you will never see your W again. Please reread success stories on this forum as well as other forums. Why is NC this time so much harder than last time? Or is it?Is it because of the letter?

But you are entitled to feel down in the dumps for a little while. Then start planning one (at least) fun thing to do each week. Keep working on your goals. Even if you decide to D (which you are entitled to do), or SHE does, you are young and even if you weren't you would be able to go on with your life.



I have 2 e-books; one is called "Break Free From the Affair" and the other is called "The Magic of Making Up" but they both have much of the same advice as DivorceBusters and Divorce Remedy (READ THOSE BOOKS AGAIN).
Main points include:

GAL -renew hobbies
stop chasing
repeat to yourself "I will be okay no matter what" or other mantra with similar meaning
exercise and look good (men should update wardrobe)

This is how to get past the pain from "Magic of Making Up"

Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a way to “fast forward” past the pain? Just press a button and speed up time to a point where we feel more balanced and rational. While I don’t have a magical button for you to press, I do have The Fast Forward Technique. The Fast Forward Technique has many uses, but one of the best is for getting over the pain of loss. If you commit to performing this three times a day at least, you will be amazed.

STEP 1: Feel whatever it is you are feeling and notice how and where you feel it. For example many people feel emotional hurt in their chest or heart (that is why it is called heart break). But, that may or may not be true for you. Now just focus on your feeling and ask yourself silently or aloud the following:
Can I allow this feeling?
Or…
Can I welcome this feeling?
And then answer. It doesn’t matter if it is a Yes or No.
STEP 2: Ask “Could I let this feeling go?” Again, a Yes or No is acceptable.
STEP 3 Ask “Would I let this feeling go?”
STEP 4 Ask “When?”
STEP 5 Now examine the feeling again. Does it feel different? Did you feel a shift? The shift is different for everyone, but is a sign of small healing. You want to feel how your feeling has changed and repeat steps 1 thru 5. The Fast Forward Technique should not be a struggle. In fact, it will usually feel quite warm and soothing. You will want to do 2 or 3 sessions a day. One session may be 5 or 6 repetitions or more through the 5 steps. Also, let me let you in on a little secret. I have used The Fast Forward Technique for many things including

Managing my feelings about:
 Quitting smoking
 Dealing with “snack attacks”
 Writers Block
 Getting over my father’s death
 Sticking with my workout program
 Major arguments with my wife
The Fast Forward Technique and I are old friends and I hope that by introducing you to each other, you will reap a lifetime of benefits as well.

This is straight from "Break Free from the Affair:"
1) Act Happy. Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your spouse. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor/actress if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it until you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive. (It really is, you know!)

2) Get a life. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. Think about what you really liked doing when you were 6 years old. Start doing that. (One coaching client “gave up dancing,” which was a passion, for her family and husband. Once she discovered his affair, she took it up again. She loved it. It was therapeutic. But, boy did he have a problem with it!).

3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be, plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT! This becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to sleep with it. Tell; convey in every which way to your spouse that you WILL MAKE IT.
Say, “I will make it! I prefer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want), but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it.” State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.

4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your spouse brief and to the point. Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail if he/she wants to “hook” you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.

5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernel of truth in what your spouse is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. He/she says, “I don’t love you anymore.” You say, “It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.”
He/she says, “I’m not sure what I want.” You say, “Yes, it must be confusing for you.” He/she says, “I’m thinking of moving out.” You say, “Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activities.”

6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX. Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with someone.
I’m not talking about dating. I’m talking about being friends and learning about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.

7) Get sexy – in a healthy way. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise. Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body. Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy.

[P17]

A very quick update as my D is here.

I just picked D up from her mum's. W had arranged to be here. And, lo and behold, she was here.

I asked her if she got my letter and she said she did but didn't understand it and we had already arranged today.

I just explained it to her in the street - that I was sorry but that I couldn't do it anymore. She has destroyed and torn apart our family (I shouldn't have said that but I was winging it and it just came out) and that I would no longer accept her affair and what she was doing. I told her I only wanted contact with her under two circumstances - to fix the marriage or to end it. I also said that she has chosen a path for herself and that D and I needed to move on with her lives too. I couldn't be there for her anymore.

She did look a little shaken when I told her but what else was I supposed to do. I just looked at her and walked away. I heard her see 'see you later' as she got into her car and drove off.

When we arrived she was sitting in her car laughing away while on the phone. At least now she realises that she can't have her cake and eat it too.

My D did a Goodbye card for her and I drove her around to W's house and we put it through the door. OM's car wasn't there so I assume he is working now.

It's finally done. I actually feel better doing it in person as I saw her reaction and I know she was upset, inside at least. However nasty that may seem, it makes me feel better to know that she still cares.

[chatterbug]

P17 So far this is not a very good go at no contact.

Reread your letter. And only do the actions outlined in your letter.

No more.

Anything more is fence sitting.