Not sure what to do

[Deep]

Stu, I'm not that familiar with all of your sitch and am just responding mainly to this page.

Detach, mate, DETACH. You are choosing to be in reactionary mode. Yes, it's painful, but the suffering is an option you are signing up for.

Her choices, her decisions, her right. Respect that.

Your boundaries, your choices, your right. Do this.

Don't "give impressions" to your W. LIVE it. and live it for YOU.

[TrentC]

I wish I could make peace, but my mind gets the better of me. I've been reading DR which has been good, but I get caught up with what W has said to me and that it looks like our marriage was worth nothing to her. She shows no regret or emotion in telling me she wants out.

This is why we (and the book) say to not believe anything they say.

They are confused; they are hurting as well. They're trying to make themselves feel better about their decision. They're trying to make you feel better about their decision.

One person said to treat them like an addict that's going through withdrawal. Another, slightly less charitable, way to look at it would be as a tantrum thrown by a teenager -- you know how they say "I HATE YOU!" when you ground them for skipping school? Same mentality.

[Lll54]

"Switching off" is difficult. It took me a long time. I've only been in this for 7 weeks, but probaby 5-6 of them I was totally "switched on". Its only been bout the last week or two that I can actually focus on my life and other things other than my H. It takes a while. It is a CHOICE though. I believe that. When you are ready to detach and make the CHOICE to go about doing things for you, you will... and if your S wants to join you one day then its just icing on the cake. But hey, who said cake wasn't good without icing?

[stu321]

It's very difficult, but I find it alot harder when I have my son. Not sure why. Maybe it's because I know he has to go home, or cause I realise what I've missed over the last few days or cause I see we are not a family (the 3 of us I mean) ? Not sure.

I've got him enrolled into karate as well and he loves it, so I'm gonna ask w if I can pick him up from school when he trains so I can take him. I'll take him home afterwards. He trains on the nights she has him. He'll be home probably about the same time as her, if she isn't her mum will be home.

[stu321]

Hi All,

I need to ask a question. I have a fun filled weekend planned with my son. I'm taking him to the movies and bowling tomorrow, and then we're off to a water fun park on Sunday.

I wanted to put together a photo collage of the weekend for my son and give it to him early next week, but I have a concern.
We've all been so busy lately with everything thats been happeninig that I'm worried W will see the collage and think that my son and I have had quality time together that we havn't had for a while. She will obviously see it as a positive, but she may also look at as it wouldn't of happened if W and I were still together. She may see the seperation as a good thing for my relationship with our son and that divorce is a smaller price to pay for a good father/son relationship. She is very keen to ensure that we both have good relationships with our son.

Has any-one ever come across this? If not, I'd apprecaite some feedback on people's thoughts.

Thanks in advance.

[bluerain]

Honestly Stu, if you think that your son will enjoy it, and it will be something nice for him to look at when hes not with you then do it.

That said- Dont mind read! Who knows what your W will think of it, until its done, you wont ever know, why waste your energy worrying about it? All Im sure of is that your son will miss out an a pretty neat gift from his dad if you choose not to do it.

[stu321]

Hi Bluerain,

Your right, and I thought of this after I submitted the post. I had already decided to do it. I plan on giving it to him during the week. I know he will love it.

We had an awesome time. He pretty much spent the whole 7 hours in the water. Going on all different rides, in the pools etc. my W took him present shopping, but he picked everything out. Got a nice watch and a new wallet. W even brought me a present which I was surprised at. Her mum tried calling me 6 times yesterday, but my phone was in a locker. She sent me a text wishing me happy birthday, and she signed it off as "mum". She got me a present as well which she gave to me when I dropped off my son.

When I dropped him off, she sang happy birthday to me, gave me a kiss on the cheek and then gave me my present. While it's not much, it meant alot to me, but I'm not getting excited.

There's been no talk of divorce, settling on properties and she hasn't given me the rest of my stuff yet (which she was going to do over a week ago). She may of packed, I don't know.

At the end of the day, my son said he didn't want to go home, I said I wished he could stay with me. He asked my why I don't just move back home. I got teary again.

[Lost Rabbit]

Sorry I havent stopped by this week much Stu, started a new job and life has got a bit hectic, good to see others have popped in. The collage sounds fab and Im glad you decided to do it for you son regardless of what your W thinks! Thats the important bit from now on you have to do things for your son and you, if by chance your W benefits so be it, but if she doesnt or makes something negative out of it thats her problem. Dont believe all that she says, its funny I sent what seemed a normal msn conversation with my H to a friend who also does DB well you would think it was two conversations, when she pointed out all the times he either made it my fault, not his fault, or stuck to his script, it was subtle so much it was hard to see until I reread it. But thats just it so often it is subtle, so its best not to bother trying to interpret things at all, unless she says the ultimate words "I want to work on this marriage" then anything else except your sons welfare just goes over the top of your head until she starts coming out of her fog! You seem to be doing well mate, keep at it and keep smiling if you can.

[stu321]

I also realised something yesterday. My W and I have always wanted to "get ahead in life". We both worked hard to set ourselves up for the future and to enjoy some of the nicer things in life now. What we failed to do though was to enjoy ourselves at the same time. We got so caught up with work and every day activities, that we failed to take time out and spend it as a family just having fun.

Yesterday was bitter sweet for me. It was something I had always wanted to do, and I did it, but what I really wanted was to do it with my son and my w. We had such a fun time, we laughed, we relaxed, we made fun of each other etc, but at the same time, it was stuff that I wished my W could of been part of. I know she would of loved it as well. My son wants to go again, and I will take him, but I'll also ask my w to join us. My son and I would really enjoy it. I don't plan on asking any time soon though as she'll just see it as me trying to win her back.

If she does change her mind in the future, I won't be making the same mistakes we have made in the past. I'll be making sure we have fun as a family and enjoying "right now". I always thought I knew what my W wanted, but I was wrong and I see that now. I should of asked her rather than assuming I knew.

I guess it comes from my upbringing. My parents always worked hard, but we didn't really have quality time together. We didn't go for drives, our out to the beach etc, where her family did alot of that. To be completely honest with myself, I would rather the quality time rather than materialistic things. Materialistic things mean nothing unless you have the people you love around you to share them with you. Maybe it's too late now, but if we get another chance, things will be different.

[Lost Rabbit]

Its never too late to learn that lesson Stu its what you do with it in the future that counts!