Had my usual doctor appointment today (have been going weekly from jan-sep and now every 3 weeks) for my allergy injections. So I see my GP all the time. Well, today I finally caved and told him my troubles- same details as what I have written here ( it was a 50 min visit).
He figures H is depressed and that needs to be addressed first. We discussed H's family history (mental illness - mom, substance abuse -dad, depression - sis) and background, turning 40 in a couple of months and that H said he was depressed this summer. He is urging me to get H to see his own doctor about his depression. Basically he is saying that treating his depression, H will be more optimistic about MC and working on M?? (my doc is all for saving marriages if there is no abuse.) And said if he is depressed now, it will be nothing to what he will feel if we D.
So I am wondering how I should bring up the subject. Going to have to think about the best approach as I don't want to seem like I have been talking about him behind his back.
It will be easier if I just cut and paste my reply to KLC's similar sitch and concerns the other day. So, here it is, FWIW:
Originally Posted By: klc
I am concerned about his mental health because I do believe he has some depression issues.Anyone out there that can shed some light on the depression issue?
Originally Posted By: gardener
Talk to his physiician re: depression. Can be caused by a lot of things including at his age by the natural decrease in Testosterone production. See if you can get him to go for a physical (or have Dr. call him up and say he's overdue.)Hopefully Dr. will test for Free Testosterone (available in bloodstream) not just Total Testosterone, which proves nothing. Also, most Dr.s will look to see if a man falls within his age group's Normal Range. This is nonsense: If most men in my age group have low testosterone, why should I feel good about being in that range? My Dr. shoots for Optimal Levels (i.e., the levels one had when one was 25-30) and aims for that. Low Testosterone also controls strength of the heart muscles beating (contraction) which can also lead to weakness, lethargy, depression. There are good depression meds out there, too. Also have him check for low thyroid function which also == weak, slow heart rate, lethargy and depression. Topical, bio-identical Testosterone (optimal levels) (inexpensive), natural Thyroid medication (not synthetic pharmaceuticals; also inexpensive), and anti-depressants made a new, years-younger, vital happy man out of me quickly!
Also, check out the The UltraMind Solution book and see if you can get H to take the short, revealing quizzes in the beginning.I did and was amazed. Even more amazed when amino acid blood tests revealed these short quiz answers to be right on the money! Amino acids are over the counter, inexpensive and have worked so well for me my Dr is almost done weaning me off the pharmaveutical meds.
Disclaimer: the above is for information purposes only and is not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any condition. Consult with your healthcare provider blah, blah, blah...
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Well, today I finally caved and told him my troubles...He figures H is depressed and that needs to be addressed first.
No, you told your doctor about your H. Your troubles are not being able to sleep, weight loss, etc.
Quote:
So I am wondering how I should bring up the subject. Going to have to think about the best approach as I don't want to seem like I have been talking about him behind his back.
Anything you say or suggest will be disregarded out of hand because it came from you. Doesn't matter if it's true, doesn't matter if you're the world's leading expert on the subject--if it comes out of your mouth or from you somehow your WAH will blow it off.
I understand that you're concerned about H's mental health. But at the risk of sounding like a broken record, you cannot control him, his feelings or his actions. The only thing you can control is yourself.
Stop making this about H. Focus on yourself. That's what puts you in the driver's seat of your own life.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Anything you say or suggest will be disregarded out of hand because it came from you. Doesn't matter if it's true, doesn't matter if you're the world's leading expert on the subject--if it comes out of your mouth or from you somehow your WAH will blow it off.
I know what you are saying... I think I said pretty much the same thing to the doc. He has blown off my suggestions before saying " I am not going to do it on your agenda" and that was with regards to taking our daughter out for a bike ride. I can only imagine his response re: my convo about him at the doc office if he found out.
I know I need to work on me and get to the point where I can walk away from H. (Just like I did before in 2001.) I really have to work on my confidence and trust my abilities that I can take care of me and DDs. I look back in my mid 20's and think of how I travelled by myself, moved to England alone. Those were big steps for me especially for a person who is quiet and introverted. I reflect back and wonder where did the courage come from. So, its in me somewhere and I need to re-tap that resource.
Still have lots of questions but just holding off until I finish DR and then maybe some of them will get answered.
And thanks again for all the support from everyone.
You moved to England on your own?? You're my hero! I soooo want to live overseas but never made it happen. See, you can do great things.
Just want to give you my opinion on something:
DR will tell you to just wait out the OW by not discussing it and being the better option. While I agree with the second part, the first part just allows cake eating and I don't agree with that. For me, the strong stance of creating and enforcing boundaries is what worked. When I was just being nice and ignoring the elephant in the room it ruined my self esteem and allowed BF to continue his affair unemcumbered.
I bring this up again because I think you may be confused after reading the whole book. Just know that one of the basic ideas of DB is doing what works. You already have experience in what works for you and your H, don't ignore that just because the book says so.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
DR will tell you to just wait out the OW by not discussing it and being the better option. While I agree with the second part, the first part just allows cake eating and I don't agree with that. For me, the strong stance of creating and enforcing boundaries is what worked. When I was just being nice and ignoring the elephant in the room it ruined my self esteem and allowed BF to continue his affair unemcumbered.
I bring this up again because I think you may be confused after reading the whole book. Just know that one of the basic ideas of DB is doing what works. You already have experience in what works for you and your H, don't ignore that just because the book says so.
Pearl, there is no way I could wait out the OW. To me, it would feel like I condone his behavior/actions if I waited. I am all for exposure.
My problem now, is getting the details on what is actually happening. Still have not uncovered much... did search the email address in FB and her profile came up but did not give many details. Looks like its her and her DD (maybe about 7 yrs old). Relationship status was "its complicated". And I know she is looking for a new place to live.
Just wish H did not have his cell attached to his hip. He had it in his pj bottom pocket last night while he slept on the couch. His wallet was out this afternoon but nothing came out of that search. And there is no way I could figure out his hotmail email password. I guess I just have to wait for my break.
So I feel like I am going a little crazy. Too much thinking and analysis of my sitch. I guess I am in denial of OW. Maybe she truly is just a friend (I know that most EA/PA start this way - but then why have I never heard about her) and am I jumping to conclusions without any proof or hard evidence if I assume EA/PA. I am trying not to be consumed with how involved H is with OW but it is hard. But I really want to know (not the little details) whether it has developed into EA or PA.
Two of H's top complaints over the last few years 1. Not enough sex 2. Not appreciated for his hard work
So how to I fill his 'love tank/bank' at this stage without pursuing?
I have been trying to say little words of appreciation ie. saying thanks for taking out garbage, doing yardwork. I have been stepping up in the meal dept, trying to make nicer dinners, doing a little more baking, getting the kids to decorate lunch bags and put together his lunch/snack for work. I make sure I ask him about his day. (And I am just in awe that he does not ask what the kids and I do during the day. Does not even ask DD.)
So now I think "why am I doing AOS for him, making life at home more pleasant if he is having EA/PA?" OW meets his physical/emotional needs and I provide him with a great housekeeper/nanny service. Now he really has the best of both worlds. Or am I showing him what he would be missing if we S or D.
