my W doesn't regret her affair

[futureunknown]

Tough to find time to post when I've got the kids for the weekend!

I had to leave yesterday morning before any of the responses came in, so I was on my own. I tried to react with a friendly but distant demeanor. As usual, she did manage to disarm me somewhat.

Let me ask you a question and I want you to think about it seriously... really seriously. Are you happy chewing on whatever leftover bones she throws your way?

No. I am finding myself thinking much more about what I want and what I'll be satisfied with in the future. Even as I imagine possible reconciliation with my W, I am keeping in mind that I have other options. On the morning of my marathon, a bunch of my friends, including two women, set their alarms early so they could wake up and send me encouraging text messages before the race. I was nervously getting ready in my hotel room and my phone started going nuts with messages coming in. Really helped calm my nerves and fire me up to have a good race. I noticed one person conspicuously absent from that group, and that fact has stuck with me. However, when I finished the race, I checked my phone, and there was a message from her saying she was hoping my race was going well.

Here's what happened last night. Gnosis, although I understand why you're saying there's nothing to talk about, look back at what Puppy said a while back in response to Steve McQueen. My history with my W requires me to make myself clear. I am hamstrung a bit because I was so moody during my M. If my W sees me acting aloof or distant, it brings up old familiar reactions in her that do me no good. So I did want to talk to her tonight to state why I was insisting on completing the separation.

It didn't take long. We talked on the phone to arrange a time to meet, and ended up just doing it on the phone. She asked "What is it you want to talk about?" I said "When I agreed to delay our separation, I clearly stated what my expectation was." She sounded tired and defeated. She said "OM and I broke off all communication a few days ago, for good." She caught me off guard with her frank declaration. She said "I'm not dating anyone else, I don't want to date anyone else. If you want to date someone, that's up to you." I don't have any money or anything inside to deal with mediation. I'm facing two major holidays without my kids for much of the time. I said "Well, that's part of what was at issue here, what my position was going to be regarding how we handle the holidays." She said "I think we should handle them whatever way is best for the kids, regardless of what's going on between you and me." I said "If our marriage and family are over and done, then I think what would be best is for the kids to start accepting that."

She said "This doesn't change anything between you and me. The problems in our marriage are the same as they were a month ago. We're both a lot healthier now, which is good, but it's not like our marriage has new life or something. We're still separated and living separate lives." I said "Oh I know, absolutely, but this is topic number one. The alternative is ending our marriage and moving on, since I am not going to live under those conditions." She asked if I was going bring the kids to her Mom's place for Thanksgiving, where she will be. I said "I have another option, but I haven't decided yet. Given what we talked about here, I'm willing for us to do Thanksgiving together, so I'll tell your Mom we're coming."

That was about it. Our demeanor turned lighter then, and we joked that it only took about ten minutes to discuss this thing that's been hanging between us for a month. I told her I had to go, I had plans (which I did). She sincerely replied "Have a good time." She sounded so exhausted, I said "You get some sleep ok?"

I don't know how I did. My tone was very calm, but I tried to make it strong and decisive. I didn't talk about my feelings. I simply stated and stuck to my boundary, that unless she broke it off with OM then our M was over, I was moving on, and we wouldn't be doing any more things together as a family.

What I noticed is that her whole position was all about her, her, her. As CityGirl has discussed, it's so telling that they ignore what they've put us through. All she wanted was consideration for what she's going through. She did give me what I wanted, but I wish I had been able to think quicker on my feet and ask "Why?" when she said it was over with OM.

So, do I trust that she's truly ended it with OM? Do I ask her for tranparency? I can just imagine it now. I'll say "W, given how you lied to and deceived me last year, I can't just take you at your word when you say it's over. I'm going to need to be able to verify it on my own if I'm going to stay in this." She'll act annoyed and insulted and say "What do you want?" I'll say "I need all the passwords to your phone accounts and mail accounts, and I need to be able to go through your laptop to see that all messages and contacts are deleted." She'll either throw a fit and say no, in which case I have to enforce my boundary again, or she'll act all defeated and just say "Fine. I don't care any more." No way she'll actually give me consideration and say "I understand, this must have been so hard on you and I'm sorry. Although it makes me uncomfortable, I'm okay with you checking that way." In my dreams.

I'm not really sure where to go with DBing from here. If her A is over, then I guess my strategy has to change, but after all this, I need to pull back and live my life. We'll see how Thanksgiving goes.

What results have your words gotten you so far? Nothing.
You're being played. Wake up.

I bow down and admit defeat. Good luck future.

I know I probably could have got this better in my favor had I held a harder line for the last several months, but I didn't, and here's where I am. I hope you all don't give up on me now!