Still in the tunnel with hubby

[Walking]

Hi KJ

I've been reading along and I'm sorry you're back to this dodgy place with your H.

There is nothing wrong with enforcing boundaries that are in place to demonstrate mutual respect.

When your H came home you guys agreed to do some things to rebuild trust. You've done those things, H stopped doing them when he changed his password. He is disrespecting you and that's not OK.

Who knows if the relationship with FB/HS friend is appropriate or not. It doesn't matter. What matters is that he has disrespected a boundary you guys put in place so you could start to rebuild your relationship and trust.

There is some good stuff over on newcomers about making and maintaing boundaries. I really recommend you have a look at those posts by Puppy Dog Tails and others. It's OK to enforce your boundaries. It's healthy to enforce your boundaries.

As far as going out with her family and your family - I wouldn't be going there either.

Take care, you are a strong woman and you deserve your Hs respect and love. Keep reminding yourself of that.

Take care, V

[kjensen]

Thanks Virginia and D,

Last night things fell apart more. I asked H to dinner and during dinner he was just looking at me and I asked what he was thinking. He said he was thinking about passwords..that shifted in conversation to how I felt about the "test". I asked H why he couldn't have just asked me if I was checking his email and he said "because I wouldn't KNOW."..

He said he did it on a whim.

Long night. Not going well. More later.

[kjensen]

I'm lost at this point.

H says I'm manipulative,invalidating, unsupportive and oppressive. He's tired of fighting. Per H I don't understand him, I don't hear him and he is constantly invalidated...thses are all things I could say about him. I don't understand how he can perceive me this way when I go out of my way to consciously validate and support him. I try daily to "hear" him, but that honestly that doesn't always happen.

I feel criticized for how I talk and communicate-always a negative critique. I do get defensive and need to stop, but I feel I've suppressed so many feelings and I'm constantly found lacking its hard not to defend myself sometimes. So I'm very careful of what I say and say much less than what is on my mind. I choke back so much.

I don't see how I can succeed with this perception of me. There's a wall up-can't get through it. Do I just go dark? How do I do that while living with him?

I don't know what else I can do. I'm so very sad and disheartened right now. I'm failing at DBing.

[drewnole]

KJ,

You are not failing. You had a setback. I don't think it was a good idea that you checked his email. I could see why he would get upset.

Now, get back up and dust yourself off. Let him process his issues and work on yourself.

As for his accusations, that sounds like projection to me.

Take care...

[D Money]

H says I'm manipulative,invalidating, unsupportive and oppressive. He's tired of fighting. Per H I don't understand him, I don't hear him and he is constantly invalidated...thses are all things I could say about him. I don't understand how he can perceive me this way when I go out of my way to consciously validate and support him. I try daily to "hear" him, but that honestly that doesn't always happen.

I feel criticized for how I talk and communicate-always a negative critique. I do get defensive and need to stop, but I feel I've suppressed so many feelings and I'm constantly found lacking its hard not to defend myself sometimes. So I'm very careful of what I say and say much less than what is on my mind. I choke back so much.

K,
This is projection at it's finest. What he feels about himself he is projecting on to you. That is why you can't take what he says personally. I know easier said than done.

You are doing really well. Now is not the time to give up.

[trustingfaith]

((KJ))

So sorry about all the projection. And, yes, it does absolutely seem like that is what it is. I know it is so hard, sometimes feels almost impossible, but I think detaching as much as you can is key to your sanity. He is going to do what he is going to do. Unfortunately, we can't sway these MLCers to do the right thing until they are/if they are ever ready. Just keep doing what you can for yourself and your girls.

[D Money]

It is just so eerie that you, TF, and I all seem to be in the same spot with our spouses. It makes it so difficult when you think they are finally coming around and then they do things to tell you they're not quite done yet.

On a lighter note, how the hell are we supposed to abbreviate your new screen name? I don't really want to call you HO.

[trustingfaith]

It is just so eerie that you, TF, and I all seem to be in the same spot with our spouses. It makes it so difficult when you think they are finally coming around and then they do things to tell you they're not quite done yet.

Exactly!! My consolation is that he is in there somewhere and may emerge at some point. Dmoney, I need to go reread your thread (I have followed just don't have such a great memory) - is your MLCer still at home?

On a lighter note, how the hell are we supposed to abbreviate your new screen name? I don't really want to call you HO.

Whose new name?

[kjensen]

LOL-
I should change it back...I got a little paranoid this morning b/c H came downstirs where I was on the computer on this forum and saw the tab "still in the tunnel with hubby" and asked about it...I told him I was reading some of the things online...I was scared (and unrealistically paranoid) that H would snoop a bit and read all my postings and that would be the last straw..

When I tried to change it I thought an administrator would have to...didn't know it took...I'll go back to KJ if I can. HO-that made me laugh D!

H and I had a stressful talk this morning. We took a time out and had a much better conversation this afternoon..I think H isn't sure about a separation or D- he knows he doesn't do well alone..he's just miserable (as am I)...

If things improve...then things improve. If not, then separation...I did well DBing this afternoon...did better at being clear and nondefensive in my communication. He hugged me goodbye. So thats a bit better.

He feels I'm clingy and needy- he can't give me examples of this, a description that I don't think would describe me..He said his therapist perceived me that way...I've been GALing quite well, mentally detaching more(except yesterday ) not really getting into things too much with H, not asking much(I pay for everything, clean, cook, organize schedules, laundry...you name it-its me doing it) so not sure how needy I am..Don't say ILY..this just puzzles me.

For every low there is a creeping movement upward....

[trustingfaith]

I guess I didn't notice your screen name changed. Now that makes sense.

Again, do you think the part about clinginess could be projection on his part? Do you sense that from him at all? He obviously sounds pretty confused.

Try to keep your PMA up (this is the choir speaking here - LOL). This is tough.