I'm new wondering if this works...

[Gardener]

Hope,

I am not a guru by any stretch of the imagination. I have learned a ew things, but only after paying attention to many others here who know much more than me.

Alright, first, read this article:

Developing Detachment

Many of us (myself included) were co-dependent upon our spouses. We relied on them to make us happy, fulfill us and make us "feel whole." The truth is, the only person responsible for my happiness, fulfilment, wholeness is....ME. A relationship built on the belief that my spouse is supposed to make me happy is destined to fail. And, it's just unhealthy.

So, we all have to embrace the fact that we, and we alone, determine if we will be happy. You have to like yourself and have respect for yourself in order for you to be happy. That means respecting yourself enough not to be treated badly (being insulted, yelled at, run down by another). If you are treated badly, you played a part in LETTING it happen. Either you put up with it, or you simply accepted it as normal (maybe you thought you deserved it). So, like yourself enough to be treated well.

Once you understand, and accept, that you alone are responsible for your happiness, you stop putting your moods, emotions and feelings in someone else's hands. That doesn't mean you don't open yourself up to a relationship. It means that if spouse is having a bad day or is in a bad mood, it does not make you have a bad day/mood. And that's b/c your happiness does not depend upon SPOUSE's mood.

Now, detachment, I believe, means you know you will be ok no matter what. I know you don't want to be D'd, he!!, none of us really want to be D'd. But those are the cards we were dealt (and, quite frankly, dealt ourselves). So, you have to deal with it.

One of two things is going to happen - divorce or reconciliation. Obviously, reconciliation, if done for the right reasons, is what we want. But, our spouses are in the fog. And, maybe for the first time we have had to come to grips with the reality that we DO NOT CONTROL them. So, let that go.

That leaves D. Something none/few of us thought we would be dealing with, right? Well consider being D'd for a moment. Do you believe you will be lonely the rest of your life on this Earth if you were D'd? Do you honestly believe you could never find another person to share your life with? Notice I didn't say a person to "make you happy" b/c that's YOUR job. And the answer to the question is NO. Of course you will be happy. And, yes, there are many other people out there with whom you could be happy - and, dare you consider it - HAPPIER than you have EVER been?

The point is to reach the realization that if you end up D'd, it is NOT the end of the world. It seems like it now, but, really, it's not. You still have your children. You still have a long, full life ahead of you (IF you choose to make it so).

So, accept that you are ALREADY D'd (you are). Now, set about improving yourself for your NEXT R. You want that to be with your H, but it may not be. In either case, make the decision to be happy. More importantly, realize you WILL be fine no matter what.

And realizing the truth that is you WILL be fine no matter what IS detachment. And it leads to a better frame of mind and a healthier place. When I alone am responsible for my happiness, then I have no excuse being unhappy. NO EXCUSES.

So work on getting to detachment. Then, there is more work to be done. But, you can't do it until you get there first.

This is one the finest Gima posts ever (and there have been many). The next time you or anyone else give the link to that great livestrong.com detachment article, a link to this post should be included.