For the most part, friends tell you what you want to hear. Largely, H's friends are doing that. If he wants to hear that he screwed up and that you'll be lucky to get him back, then that's what he'll hear. So, just because he is hearing things from friends that you don't like, the same is probably true of you. Do you really think the WASs like hearing about the LBSs' friends talking crap about them and how they should stand for their Ms? I don't think so.
H's friends are people with their own weaknesses who want to make H feel good. Very standard stuff. What did people say to you when you left H?
The idea that you have "decided to just let him go out tonight" is pretty odd. Again, you aren't his parent. You don't control that. Quit thinking you can or should.
Now for the good stuff:
GREAT JOB telling H what bothered you. Now, how about, "H, what's up with jerking me around over weekend plans? That doesn't work for me."
AND WHAT'S UP with the no babysitter crap. You have a babysitter just as much as H does. There are TWO parents. AND WHAT'S UP with turning down H's invite due to the babysitter. How about "Sounds great, thanks for the invite. As my dashing host, you are on the babysitter, yes? Then perhaps I can get on you later."
Now, all that being said -- I suspected that you felt that H's friends were pulling him away from you. That is not a "lack of substance." Hanging out with a bunch of air-heads isn't very risky. And, neither should hanging out with men who act like a bunch of moral-less, chick-using, 16 year olds. But, I grant that it is surely (1) scary to see H hang with them and (2) RISKY behavior for H and (3) inappropriate for a GOOD reason that you haven't mentioned.
With respect to (1):
-- Fear is this case is authentic, and though perhaps overblown, not misguided. But don't go into mother mode to "protect him" from bad friends. He is a big boy. And it is really you and your R that you want to protect.
With respect to (2):
-- Quite matter of factly, even if you two wind up in heaven R-wise, it will be a bumpy road. You will BOTH be swinging wildly in how you feel and what you want. Your lives are CRAZY like teenagers. This is normal. Your lives are ungrounded. We flail. The problem is, when H is feeling low about the R, he is likely to act like a teenager, just like you did. (And, just like you will if this heads to D.) A crazy teenage male out to get some and screw over his girlfriend (but who in fact wants to stay with her) doesn't need to go out with his drinking buddies, get trashed, lose the remnants of his judgment, and wind up exactly where he doesn't want to go. I think it is fine to say: "H, our R is delicate, let's be gentle with it. We are both all over the place, so I think we need to be very protective until we are each on steadier ground. The last think either of us needs is a reactive night of acting out while partying that ends with the walk of shame and super-dread over what we've risked. This matters. If we are going to try, let's be good to our R."
With respect to (3):
Perhaps the most straightforward... It really is not OK for H to hang with those guys UNLESS he radically shifts the dynamic. H and I have a very simple rule: WE ARE NOT FRIENDS WITH PEEPS WHO AREN'T FRIENDS TO OUR M. Our M is too important. So, like I said, H's friends are to a decent extent just telling him what he wants to hear. How much they would push him toward anti-M views is truly VERY unclear. Look, if they are behaving badly themselves, then they already KNOW it sucks to live that way. Going along with H's debaucherie might help them feel better in some ways, but they also know better in some ways. ANYWAY, my point is that right now you can't see if they are really anti-your-M. BUT, given their behavior, the burden of proof is on H and THEM to prove that they are FRIENDS OF YOUR M. H could set some clear boundaries and clearly communicate his own views about his screw-up. He could quite simply ASK them to be FRIENDS to your M because a healthy M with you is the best way his life, his love, his family can go. He can make it clear that As and Gina-bashing are NOT-OK. And then, it is up to them to show that they are FRIENDS to the M. The burden of proof is on them. But, they are H's friends, so give them a fair chance. FINALLY, this is not a YOU telling H thing. You should really both agree to this principle and work together to see it implemented. If H isn't on board, it isn't necessarily wrong, but it does show you that his priorities are different from yours.
