Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

You are going to take something you heard from a 3rd party (gossip), that you don't even know is true,

I've not made myself clear. I haven't taken anything from a third party. What I do know is that W and OM worked at the same company and for the same Union. That is a fact.

What I said was that a third party told me that maybe he was going for a job where my W works (which was the company he last worked for anyway just a different location). That doesn't alter the fact that the A was work related and Union related. That is a fact.

It can't look like anything BUT being petty and vindictive. Which it is.

It was advice on here earlier to inform the W's employer if it was a work based A, which this is. That's all I was getting back to. I think it was PDT who said it (although if he didn't I apologise).

So it was two workplace based affairs - they were both Union reps (workplace) and they both worked for the same place (workplace). That was it.

Where you such drama queen in your M? Could this be one of the issues your W had with you?

I'm sorry you see me as a drama queen. I'm in a tough place just now emotionally for all sorts of reasons and I'm scrambling around again because my emotions are getting the better of me. The only place I am venting these emotions, ideas or suggestions is here. I haven't texted, called or contacted W in any way. So I see this as a safe place.

If my letters succeed in OM not getting a job then great. Maybe he'll get lost a lot quicker and I can try and patch up my M. I don't see them not giving somebody a job because they were having an A - most people seem to think it's regular part of life nowadays (and every second person seems to have one). I see it as informing her work and her Union of the situation that was created. As I said, it was advice given here earlier.

I also know little about the issues the W had with the marriage. She's yet to tell me.

What I'm not going to do is apologise for having a bad day. I would rather post here and get some advice, get a 2x4 to the head, and think about it, than go ahead and just do it. Drama queen or no drama queen.

I am going back to re-read http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/ - you are right, I do need to detach more. While physically I have detached from her, the mental attachment is getting stronger, not weaker.

[P17]

Arwen_In_NJ: I just want to say thanks for your post. Even in the hour or so it's been posted and replied to I actually feel better.

Re-reading the article on detachment has helped to. I think I will need to read this a lot more often.

Anyway, thanks.

[newmama]

I agree with Arwen except the "drama queen" statement.
My Q is this--why would HR care if they are having an affair?
They would care if he is doing drugs.

[P17]

I agree with Arwen except the "drama queen" statement.
My Q is this--why would HR care if they are having an affair?
They would care if he is doing drugs.

I don't know why they would care, I only know why I would care if it was me.

An A in the workplace isn't great for them and I don't think it would be a good idea to employ two people are having that A. A's are all about lies, deceit, etc. and I don't see that as somebody who would make a good employee. However, as I said that is just me.

Then it is about exposure in the workplace of the A.

In the Union side of things I think the fact that they met on one of their training courses may be of interest. Again it's not great publicity for them if they are seen to be part of the reason an M broke up.

I can't prove the drugs so I wouldn't mention that. I get the impression that he is involved with drugs. But his comment under his picture on Facebook, which said 'me in classic pot head pose' has been changed now anyway (that wasn't the only bit of info though).

Again, I'm soliciting advice on whether to do this. I haven't actually done it. The advice before was expose but I didn't do it.

After reading the advice, maybe it's not such a great idea after all. That is why I asked!

[Tostada]

I too have gone through these thoughts of exposing affairs. These affairs flourish in secrecy. Thus, exposing them creates a whole new dynamic and pressure for those in the A. They need to realize the consequences of their actions. Leaving it a secret allows them to flourish.

It changes everything about their existence. They now avoid people at the grocery store, are very protective at social events, etc. They don't know who nows. Its humiliating to them, even though they won't act like it. It creates certain pressures on them if its exposed.

As for exposing at work. I have not done this but would really like to. In my situation xw is a vendor of OM. Thus, OM hired her and her company to do work for OM company. I believe OM was also using company expense money to help fuel their affair as well as other unethical issues. To me, his company would be very interested in this behavior as its completely unethical. I'm pretty sure I could expose it and get this joker fired as well as hurt my xw company. Om knows I'm holding this card. I think his actions threw me into a tailspin that cost me my job. Why shouldn't it cost him his? However, the reason I have not done this as it would hurt OMW and potentially my kids. OMW needs OM to have a job to support her. She is sick and needs him to be making money. That's what a quality guy OM is, left his sick wife. So, if he pisses me off, I may send a letter after he has a legal settlement with his W. That would really create challenges for him. Then would XW be forced to write checks to his xw? How entertaining.

My point is that exposing at work probably doesn't help your situation much, its really more or less revenge in my opinion. In the end, I'm sure people at work will figure it out anyways with or without your help.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am generally in favor of exposing affairs in the workplace to the employer. Most companies have policies against such things, and they should be made aware, esp. if some of the encounters are happening on company property.

Puppy

[newmama]

Just wondering, what are the cons involved if you did out them?
What would happen if your W lost her job?
I am just asking.

[ssmguy]

Just a dumb question here. How can you prove, beyond your own speculation, that someone is having an affair? Don't you have to be in the motel room with them to see them actually having sex? I can't imagine but that I'd be extremely reluctant to report that someone was having an affair, because all I could say is that "it looked like it", not that it is a fact. And you could be made a fool of.

For that matter, my wife and I are not having sex, and nobody seems to have picked up on that. So I don't know how you'd know if somebody was having sex or not.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Just a dumb question here. How can you prove, beyond your own speculation, that someone is having an affair? Don't you have to be in the motel room with them to see them actually having sex? I can't imagine but that I'd be extremely reluctant to report that someone was having an affair, because all I could say is that "it looked like it", not that it is a fact. And you could be made a fool of.

Oh please. "Proponderance of the evidence," same as anything else.

- hundreds of text messages between the two individuals
- content of text messages ("I love you"; "you really do it for me like no one else ever has"; "last nite was incredible" -- those are all pretty good indications);
- a spouse's car parked in the OM's driveway for hours, when he/she said she was going to the bookstore;
- a spouse's car leaves their place of employment, where OM also works, they each take separate routes to go to a department store parking lot, where they both get into ONE ;car, and drive to OM's house where they remain for two hours;
- soiled underwear left stuffed in the bottom of the dirty clothes hamper;
- voice recordings of the two of them having sex, and making plans for their next rendezvous, including what lies to tell the OW's husband so that she can get away;
- computer keylogger keystrokes which spell out "older woman/younger man" "attracting younger men" "sexual positions", etc.;
- sudden change in appearance (new haircolor/style, new way of dressing, etc.);
- sudden change in musical tastes;
- sudden change in TV viewing habits, from hours and hours (even when reading), to ZERO.
- sudden change in religious conviction
- "ILYBINILWY" speech

Those are just a few, taken from a case with which I'm pretty familar. ALL of them are very much "script," and are common to many -- if not most -- affairs.

Those that claim to "not have enough proof" usually aren't looking hard enough, or are ignoring the proof that's staring them in the face.

Puppy

P.S. No one's probably picked up on the face that your wife and you are not having sex, because (I assume) there is no other party vested with interest in the situation.

[ssmguy]

Oh, sorry, Puppy Dog Tails, I haven't read this whole thread so my comment might be out of context. I would not expect a coworker to know the things you list about someone at the workplace. You seem to be talking only about a spouse having an affair at the workplace.

And maybe I'm out of context again, but in that case I think the issue is between you and your spouse, regardless of the policy at the workplace. But that's just my personal opinion, and if somebody can get their spouse back by first blowing up the workplace situation, then who am I to disagree?