To make a long story short, here's the short version: H and I divorced almost 2 years. I was the WAS, but lately we've been doing many things together..have a long range plan to Disney with our s. I've been getting more attached to him, the more we do together..and told him so, yet he still tells me he has no interest romantically and doesn't know if he ever will. He was surprised when I told him I was developing an attachment to him (this after I expressed to him months ago that I'd like to reconcile). It's been difficult lately, for me to go on as just friends when I feel like his actions show more than that. (he took the family out for my birthday, halloween, a couple days we went to farms for fritters and corn mazes, we have holiday parties to go to, all with our s..and more)..So, what I ended up doing out of reaction to hurt, was cancelling all further plans we had and thought that we should live more like many divorced people with kids do and just be cordial during pick ups and drop offs. Do birthdays, but we don't have to do Holidays and pretend for our s's sake that things are fine and wonderful. Our s wants us back together and I feel like that gets his hopes up too, and maybe that's not so good for him either? It's very difficult to have such mixed emotions on my part when he verbalizes he has none. tonight we're supposed to go to a reception party, I think he's still coming to that since we RSVP's a few weeks ago and it's a big party. Not really sure how to act...like everything is fine? Do my own thing at the party? or stand with him as my date? Ugh...any ideas?
Hi Mar. I do not know your stitch at all but I would like to offer some advice on your evening.
1. Do not read his mind. Read only your own. 2. Call him and ask if he still wants to go to this party with you as your looking forward to it. 3. Be upbeat in the call. Keep it short. 4. Then do what any beautiful woman would do. Pamper yourself and get ready for a nice evening out at the reception party. 5. Then enjoy your evening with someone you are attracted to. You can flirt and keep the conversation light and be a complete pleasure to be around. No R talk. Just have date talk. If you get to a point where you know one of you are going to start into R talk. Go to the ladies room to freshen up. Come back sit and smile. You are a beautiful person who is very interesting. Enjoy your evening. 6. Next day call and say thank you for a great evening. Keep it short or plan on the call when you know it will go to the machine.
He was surprised when I told him I was developing an attachment to him (this after I expressed to him months ago that I'd like to reconcile).
If you feel this way, then stop showing attraction, affection. Look great but non-committal. He'll want what he can't have. Read DR. Everything you must do will be counter-intuitive to what you think you should do. have.
Originally Posted By: mar1713
Our s wants us back together and I feel like that gets his hopes up too, and maybe that's not so good for him either?
OVERdoing it (as you describe)? Very confusing to s. False hope, mixed signals, disappointment.
Originally Posted By: mar1713
tonight we're supposed to go to a reception party, I think he's still coming to that since we RSVP's a few weeks ago and it's a big party. Not really sure how to act...like everything is fine? Do my own thing at the party? or stand with him as my date? Ugh...any ideas?
Look fabulously gorgeous. Do your own thing. Walk in with him then go mingle and have a blast! He'll be watching. my $.02, fwiw.
I'll stand back now and let wiser men - and the ladies - give ya some really good advice
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
First, congratulations. Coming to this decision likely required some soul-searching that wasn't easy.
Advice in general: start small. At this point you may want to treat him like any other guy you have an interest in. Show interest in his life and interests. But have your own life and interests as well. Don't always be there for him, either. You don't want to seem desperate.
Don't bring up old R issues, but keep them in mind. Keep it simple and don't put pressure on him or become obsessive. His guard will be up if you do. He knows your feelings. But he's been hurt by you once and it will take more than a declaration of your love to open back up to you. He's had to heal and move on without you.
I wish my W would get to your point. I just hope she doesn't take two years to get there. Forgiveness might be hard by then, so go slow and be honest (with him, S, and yourself).
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Hey all, it went pretty good...even got him up dancing a little bit..Sometimes I mingled on my own and sometimes I sat at our table with him. At the end of the night he dropped me off, I waved goodbye..he doesn't hug me, as proved awkward last week when he took the family out for my bday dinner..I got the one armed buddy hug : (
Actually it sounds like you had a good evening. Good company, Good food, and good conversation. Plus who kisses on their first date? Right!!!
And you know what? You did not know if he wanted to go with you? But he picked you up and dropped you off. So next time you see him. And each time you want to hold him or kiss him. Smile at him. Give him smiles. If he brushes you. Just smile. Enjoy the moment. If he pulls away. Smile. No R talk.
Let him come to you. If he wants to he will. He needs to rebuild trust within himself. And there is nothing you will be able to do to speed that along.
: ) yup it did! We're back on for Thanksgiving too..! I'm going to do my best to keep my emotions under control and continue to try and take things one day at a time. Some days are easier than others to do that however...
Mar I did the elastic band on the wrist. Everytime I thought of WAS I snapped it. And then said the following words in my mind. STOP DOES NOT MATTER STOP
got reversed there.