Why can't I just do it!?

[Trixi]

The reason I would want to let him know is that back in July we had discussed not seeing each other for 3 or 4 months so that he could have space to 'figure things out' and at the time, my IC had basically had us agree that during that time apart, we weren't to be fooling around with other people. Of course, we only didn't see each other for a couple/few weeks and the same cycle started up again. But I guess that is why I think that he is "owed" the heads up. I'm guessing that he does not share that opinion, but that is neither here nor there.

If he told me not to date, I would be shocked. He has more than once said that "maybe he needs to know what it feels like to not have me".

....

Oh, I guess it doesn't matter. As much as it makes me sad, I think it would be better to just kill it once and for all. He said that if we got back together he was "afraid he might turn away from the marriage again down the road." That sounds like code for just not being a man of integrity. Since he can't take personal responsibility for his own actions and choices, and since he won't seek counseling, I just see a whole lot of heartache in the future.

I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I've spent the past 2 years feeling like I was *almost* there; like we were 'this-close' to reconciling if only __fill-in-the-blank__. It's cruel, really, what he's done. Waving the carrot, taking it away, waving it, taking it away.